


Without You I'm Lost

by dreaming_wide_awake



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Did I mention angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, Lots of Angst, Other tags may be added, eventual clexa, happy ending I promise, no one dies, other characters to be added - Freeform, plus a bit more angst, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 72,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreaming_wide_awake/pseuds/dreaming_wide_awake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt 'I need some angst in my life and I would love to read a fic ( or short) fic where we could see a heroin addicted Lexa and all the shit that involves that, including drug withdrawal etc, and of course Clarke would appear eventually'. </p><p>or</p><p>Lexa is the lead guitarist/vocalist in a rock band, she has a serious drug problem and all the issues that comes with that. </p><p>Angsty AF, you have been warned (eventual Clexa)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one comes from a prompt I received a while ago on Tumblr, it's been running around my head since last night, I literally haven't slept. It is literally angsty has fuck, I haven't written pure angst for a while, but this is what that is. It will be Clexa, no one is going to die. This has taken me a lot to write, and I would really appreciate any and all feedback that you have. Please read the tags, they are important.

Lexa’s life hadn’t turned out anything like she had planned, she remembered being told so many times as a child to follow her dreams, so she did, and now she wasn’t sure that she liked where her dreams had taken her. She’d joined a band in college, her sister and a few of her friends needed a new guitarist and singer. It was all supposed to be just a little bit of fun, something for Lexa to do in her spare time between her studies, but they were actually really good.

Not long into her second year at college a talent scout went along to one of their gigs, signing them up after their set. It hadn’t been the way that she had seen things going, but for the rest of the band it was everything they dreamed of. It had been something that Anya had dreamt of for as long as Lexa could remember, she’d even told Lexa when they were kids that she was going to be rich and famous one day, so Lexa had gone along with it.

Now, as the tour bus passed through yet another stretch of open country, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if she was following her dreams, or allowing others to live theirs. It had been three years since the band, Grounders, had been signed. They’d released three albums in those three years, during the first year they had done a tour of small venues around the US, picking up momentum and album sales as the gigs passed. After the release of the second album the venues for the tour were bigger, and included certain venues in Europe. When the third album came out things really exploded.

Lexa had wanted to take a break after the third album, just a few weeks where she could disappear. The others in the group seemed to love the limelight, they seemed to thrive as they had to fight their way through packs of photographers outside clubs they went to, Lexa hated it. She had found ways to escape, it started out with the odd joint during rehearsals with the band, that elevated to the odd line of cocaine before a gig, that soon elevated to dry heroin from time to time. More often than she would admit to anyone, though most people seemed to be completely blind to it. As long as she was on stage when she was supposed to be, nobody questioned anything.

It was the tour days when they were travelling which Lexa found hardest, her mind would wander, taking her back to times when she was actually happy and settled. She had left a lot behind when she left college, she left her friends and if she was being completely honest, she had left her heart. She’d been with Clarke since their sophomore year of high school, after Lexa had moved schools during junior year when her father got a new job.

Clarke had been nothing but encouraging when Lexa had joined the band, when Lexa had told her about the contract she had been happy for them, even though it meant that the two of them would be apart. They’d tried to do long distance for a few months, but when their phone conversations turned into constant arguments, they seemed to drift apart. Eventually it became quite clear to both of them that they would be better off apart. Lexa hadn’t wanted their relationship to end, she wanted to fight, but she also knew it wasn’t fair on Clarke as she was away a lot more often than she was home.

She hadn’t been home since her relationship with Clarke ended, even when they did get a few days off from touring, recording and press obligations. Anya had been home, but Lexa knew if she went back she would probably see the blonde, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Putting her headphones on, she rested her head against the back of the seat she had taken at the back of the tour bus, resting her legs on the table in front of her, she decided to watch the world pass by the window.

“Do you think she’s okay?” Echo asked, as she nudged Ontari and motioned to Lexa.

“She’s probably high.” Ontari mumbled.

“What did you just say?” Anya asked from where she was sitting across the aisle from the two.

“I was just saying she’s probably high.” Ontari said with a shrug, “I mean, come on, 99 times out of 100 she’s off her face.”

“That’s a bit harsh.” Echo said, looking at Ontari.

“Just saying it as I see it.” the other girl replied.

“The way I see it, if it wasn’t for her you’d still be playing in tiny little out of the way bars that nobody ever goes to,” Anya said, “watch your mouth, you can be replaced.”

“Whatever.” Ontari said, rolling her eyes.

Anya shook her head as she stood up and walked towards the back of the bus. Lexa didn’t even look at her as she sat down next to her.

“How you doing, kid?” Anya asked, nudging Lexa’s legs, causing the younger girl to slowly turn her head and look at her.

“Sorry, what?” Lexa asked, moving her headphones a little as she looked at Anya.

“I said, how are you doing.” Anya said with a small smile.

“Tired.” Lexa replied with a sigh.

“Not sleeping?” Anya asked.

“Can’t get my head to switch off,” Lexa said, “I still have no idea how you can sleep so easily on this bus.”

“Says the girl who actually has a proper bed.” Anya said with a laugh.

“I told you that you could take the bed.” Lexa replied, “doesn’t bother me where I end up because I hardly sleep anyway.”

“You’re the star of this show, kid,” Anya said with a small smile, “that means you get the bed.”

“Yeah…” Lexa said, rolling her eyes a little and shaking her head, “it’s all bullshit.”

“Talking of bullshit,” Anya said, getting her phone out of her pocket, “Titus said something about us needing to be more active on social media…”

“You mean Titus said something about me being more active on social media.” Lexa said.

“Gotta give the fans what they want, right,” Anya said, opening up the camera on her phone, “and the fans want your pretty face, so smile.”

Anya moved her face closer to Lexa’s and took a selfie of the two of them.

“I said smile.” Anya said, looking between Lexa and the photo on the phone.

“That’s as close to a smile as you’re going to get,” Lexa said, lifting her hand to her headphones again, “so suck it up.”

Anya posted the photo on her twitter account as Lexa pulled her headphones on again.

 **@AnyaWoods:** it’s gorgeous weather outside and I’m stuck on a bus with this one **@LexaWoods** #GroundersOnTour

Lexa’s phone beeped with a notification after Anya tweeted the picture. She shook her head a little, a small smile tugging at her lips as she opened her twitter account. Ignoring all the notifications she had she replied to Anya’s tweet.

 **@LexaWoods: @AnyaWoods** you got that hashtag wrong, it should say Grounders Always On Tour #blessed #apparently

“Sarcasm, Lex,” Anya said, laughing as she shook her head, “Titus is going to love that.”

“At least I tweeted something right.” Lexa replied with a smirk.

Anya shook her head again as Lexa went back to looking out of the window.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Octavia and Raven were sitting on the sofa when both of their phones beeped, both of them getting notifications. They looked at each other as they both reached for their phones. Raven sighed as Octavia shook her head.

“She looks sick…” Octavia said.

“She looks tired,” Raven replied, “I wouldn’t say she looks sick.”

“Her eyes are dull,” Octavia said, glancing at Raven, “she’s sick.”

“Who’s sick?” Clarke asked as she walked out of her bedroom, and over to the sofa, leaning over the back to see what Octavia and Raven were looking at, both girls moved their phones away pretty quickly so Clarke couldn’t see the picture, “that wasn’t suspicious much.”

“Just a girl that goes to the gym with me,” Octavia said, assuming that Clarke didn’t follow either Anya or Lexa on social media, “she just posted a picture and I think she looks sick.”

“And Raven was looking at the same picture but on her own phone?” Clarke asked, narrowing her eyes as she looked at her friends, “what’s going on guys?”

“Nothing,” Raven said, shaking her head a little, “don’t you have a date to be planning for?”

“I have nothing to wear,” Clarke replied, dropping herself down on the chair, “and I’m not sure it’s a good idea anyway.”

“Come on, Griff,” Raven said, “it’s been a while since you’ve been out on a date.”

“That’s because they all end up being complete disasters.” Clarke said.

“They wouldn’t if you stopped comparing everyone to…” Octavia started to say, stopping herself before she said Lexa’s name.

“What Octavia is trying to say…” Raven said, trying to calm the situation as she saw Clarke glaring at Octavia.

“I think it’s pretty clear what Octavia is trying to say.” Clarke said as she stood up and walked back towards her bedroom, before she stopped and turned around again, “and just for the record, don’t you think I tried? Don’t you think I tried to stop comparing everyone to… _her_.”

Octavia let out a sigh as Clarke went back into her room and slammed the door.

“Well, that went well.” Raven said, shaking her head as she stood up and walked towards Clarke’s room.

“Someone had to say it,” Octavia said, “we’ve all been dancing around this for the last three and a half years, Raven.”

“We’re her best friends, that’s what we do.” Raven said as she turned back and looked at Octavia, “that’s what we signed up for.”

“She isn’t the only one who lost out with all this shit,” Octavia replied, “when Anya’s home we have to lie to Clarke about where we’re going, Lincoln hasn’t been able to invite his best friend to his birthday parties for the last three years because he didn’t want to upset my best friend.”

“We all agreed…” Raven started to say.

“Well maybe I’m tired of that agreement.” Octavia said, “We’re all so worried about Clarke, who’s Lexa got, huh?”

Clarke was laying on her bed, listening to her best friends arguing in the living room. Picking up her phone she went onto her twitter account. She had two accounts, one that all her friends knew about, one that she used to promote her art and other random things, and one that she used to follow the Grounders accounts.

She saw that Anya had tweeted a picture of her and Lexa, she also knew that the picture had been the one that Octavia and Raven had been talking about. She sighed as she looked at the image of Lexa. The girl she had fallen in love with, the girl who had stolen her heart the moment they met, and she hardly recognized the eyes looking through the picture.

What Raven and Octavia didn’t know is that every now and again, around once a month, Clarke would get a call from Lexa. The brunette would say nothing more than ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I miss you’ before Gustus would take the phone from her and apologise to Clarke before hanging up. Clarke never said anything back, she had no idea what she should say. It was obvious to her that it was something that Lexa needed, but she was sure the brunette didn’t know how much each call hurt her, how every time she heard her voice and the brokenness in it, it destroyed her.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“We should be stopping for fuel soon.” Gustus said as he walked towards the back of the bus where Anya and Lexa were sitting.

“That mean we get food too?” Anya asked.

“The driver said he’ll stop at a place with a diner or something.” Gustus said with a nod.

Lexa looked away from the window and saw Gustus standing near-by. She hadn’t seen him walk over, that tended to happen when she was off in a world of her own.

“What’s up?” she asked, moving her headphones.

“Gus was just saying we’ll be stopping for fuel and food soon.” Anya said.

“Okay,” Lexa said with a nod, noticing that her hands were starting to shake as she sat up a little, “how long till we reach the hotel?”

“About 5 hours.” Gustus said, knowing why Lexa was asking.

“I’m going to go and try to get some sleep.” Lexa replied, nudging Anya to get her to stand up so she could move.

“Do you want me to wake you up when we stop for food?” Anya asked as Lexa walked towards the stairs which lead to the top level of the bus.

“I’ll get something once we get to the hotel.” Lexa replied before going upstairs.

Anya sat back down as she watched Gustus follow Lexa upstairs.

Lexa walked to the back of the bus, past the bunks where the others slept and into the room that had been set up for her. She sat down on the bed and opened the drawer in the chest of drawers that were next to the bed. Without looking she reached towards the back of the drawer and pulled out a small leather pouch that was there.

“Leave the door open.” Gustus said from where he was standing in the doorway.

Lexa nodded a little as she pulled a small hypodermic needle from the pouch, she always tried to have at least two hits ready to go when they were on the bus, she couldn’t cook up while everyone was there, the smell would permeate the entire bus. She knew that the band knew what she was doing, but she always tried to keep them out of her business as much as she possibly could. As she took the strap from the drawer she saw Gustus move away from the door. She knew he wouldn’t go too far.

She put her phone on the drawers next to the bed, rolling up her sleeve she wrapped the strap around the top of her arm, pulling it tight and holding it in her teeth. Holding up the needle she flicked it a little, so any small air bubbles would travel to the top, after resting the needle on her legs she slapped at the inside of her arm, bringing up the vein.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Ten minutes later Gustus walked into the room, finding Lexa laying on the bed. With a sigh he took the strap off her arm and put it back in the drawer along with the small leather pouch. After picking up the used needle and putting it into the sharps bin that Lexa kept in the small wardrobe, Gustus took her shoes off and moved her so she was more comfortable on the bed.

“You’re my favourite, Gustus.” Lexa mumbled, opening her eyes a little, blinking as she tried to get her vision to focus, a lopsided smile on her lips.

“Get some rest,” Gustus replied, “I’ll be outside.”

Gustus closed the door across slightly before sitting on the stool outside the door, and picking up the book which he kept there for moments just like this. It wasn’t long before some of the others came upstairs.

“Hey Gus,” Ontari said, seeing the man, “you going to join us to get food?”

“Not this time.” Gustus replied, not looking up from his book.

“I’ll pick you up something.” Anya said, “I’ll grab Lexa a milkshake as well while I’m there.”

Gustus looked at Anya and nodded his head a little.

“Why can’t Lexa get her own milkshake?” Ontari asked.

“She’s asleep.” Gustus said, looking back down at his book again.

“You mean she’s high.” Ontari replied.

“I meant exactly what I said.” Gustus said, finally looking at her.

“You know how much shit this is going to cause when it comes out, right?” Ontari asked, “when people find out how she can’t even get up on stage to perform without being completely smashed?”

“That happens and you’ll end up stacking shelves at Walmart,” Gustus said, causing Echo to bite back a laugh, “so you want to hope that doesn’t happen.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

When Lexa woke up again, she saw there was a milkshake next to her phone, while she was drinking it she picked up the phone and started looking through the images that she had on there. Memories from what seemed like another life. Pictures from the beach party that they’d had at the end of the first college semester. She let out a sigh as she looked at one particular picture, Clarke laughing with Raven and Octavia.

“Don’t do it.” Gustus said from the doorway.

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Lexa replied as Gustus walked into the room and sat at the bottom of the bed.

“So you’re not thinking about making a call?” Gustus said, making Lexa sigh again, “You told me to stop you next time.”

“I tell you to stop me every time.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “why hasn’t she changed her number, Gus. She’s moved, I know that much, but she’s kept the same number that she had in college, why would she do that?”

“How do you know she’s moved?” Gustus asked.

“Anya told me,” Lexa replied, putting her phone down and laying back down on the bed, looking at the ceiling, as she rested her hands under her head, “she still meets up with Raven and Octavia when she goes home. They all live together.”

“She’s going home again in a few weeks isn’t she?” the big man asked.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “it’s Lincoln’s birthday.”

“You’re not going?” he asked.

“Wasn’t invited.” Lexa replied.

“Since when has that stopped you doing anything.” Gustus said with a small smile, nudging Lexa’s foot.

“I can’t just turn up,” Lexa said with a sigh, “Clarke will be there, that’s why I’m not invited.”

A knock at the small door made Lexa sit up a little, she dropped back down onto the bed when she saw it was Anya.

“Back in the land of the living huh?” Anya asked as she walked into the room.

“Something like that.” Lexa replied.

“Just wanted to let you know that we’ll be at the hotel in about 20 minutes,” Anya said, “Titus messaged me and told me that there’ll be fans there when we get there.”

“I thought he was keeping the hotel location quiet.” Lexa groaned.

“He said he did,” Anya replied, “but somehow they found out.”

“Weird how that always happens.” Lexa said, shaking her head as she sat up.

As Lexa moved to stand up she nearly fell over, Gustus was up next to her quickly.

“I’m okay.” She said with a sigh.

“I’ll go and ask the driver if he can park around the back of the hotel.” Anya said.

“I’m okay,” Lexa repeated, “seriously, I’m fine.”

“Lexa…” Gustus said.

“I’m fine.” Lexa said, looking between them, “now do you both want to get the hell out of here, I should probably make myself look at least semi-presentable.”

“You remember I said 20 minutes, right,” Anya said with a smirk, “not 20 hours.”

“Get the hell out.” Lexa said, laughing a little as she threw a hoodie at Anya.

Anya and Gustus left the small bedroom, closing the door behind them.

“I’m worried about her, Gus.” Anya said, running her hand through her hair, “she’s getting worse.”

“That’s what addiction does,” Gustus replied, “her body is getting used to the drugs so she’s having to take more to get the same effect.”

“How long before this gets out?” Anya asked, “how long till she OD’s by accident and it’s all over the press?”

“I won’t let that happen, you know that.” Gustus said, putting his arm around Anya’s shoulder.

“I don’t know why Titus hasn’t said anything about it,” Anya replied with a sigh, “he knows that it’s happening.”

“He doesn’t want to rock the boat,” Gustus said, “she’s making him money, it’s in his best interests to keep her happy.”

“But she isn’t happy.” Anya said.

“He doesn’t care whether or not she’s actually happy.” Gustus said with a sigh, “money is what’s important to him, and she’s making him a lot of it.”

“Okay,” Lexa said, opening the door to the bedroom while putting on her aviators, “let’s get this shit over with.”

“Look at you, every inch the rock star huh?” Anya said with a small laugh as Lexa put her leather jacket over a vintage band t-shirt which she was wearing with torn black jeans and combat boots.

“You do know it’s dark outside, right?” Ontari said as she grabbed her own jacket from her bunk.

“You do know you’re a pain in my ass, right.” Lexa said, walking past her and down the stairs.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was sitting in her hotel room looking through the mentions on her social media accounts, she certainly wasn’t a big fan of social media, thinking that it came very close to crossing that line between personal and private. Thankfully, though fans of the band had found out where they were staying, it seemed that the press hadn’t, though Lexa knew that would change now.

While she was looking through the pictures and tweets fans had posted, she heard raised voices outside the door.

“Ms Woods has asked not to be disturbed.” Gustus said.

“I think we both know that doesn’t include me.” Titus replied, “now please, step aside, this is important.”

Lexa rolled her eyes a little as she sighed and walked to the door, opening it she found Gustus standing between the door and Titus.

“It’s fine, Gus,” Lexa said, resting her hand on the big man’s back, “thank you.”

Gustus nodded a little before stepping aside, Lexa walked back into her room, leaving the door open for Titus, who followed in behind her before closing the door.

“I take it you’re settling in well.” Titus said as Lexa sat down on one of the chairs near a small table in the room, his hands grasped behind his back as he looked around the room.

“What do you want, Titus?” Lexa asked with a sigh.

“To remind you that there is a fan meet and greet here at the hotel, before the show tomorrow.” He said.

“What do you mean, remind me?” Lexa said, “to remind me, you have to have already told me about something, and I’m pretty sure that you didn’t tell me about that.”

“I assure you I did.” Titus replied as he turned and looked at Lexa.

“Whatever.” Lexa said, rolling her eyes a little as she shook her head, “anything else?”

“The band is going out to eat tonight,” he said, “I would like you to go with them.”

“I’d rather not.” Lexa replied.

“The press know that the band is in the city,” Titus said, as Lexa took a long slow deep breath, “how would it look if you don’t go out to eat with them.”

“I’ll just get Anya to tell them that I’m tired, or I’ll tweet that I’m getting an early night,” Lexa said with a shrug, “problem solved. They think I’m tired, and you get me to tweet more, everyone wins.”

“You are in the city to put on a show,” Titus replied, “I suggest you view this dinner as part of it.”

“Why can you not just let me stay here,” Lexa said, running her hand through her hair, “me going out with the rest of the band isn’t going to make any difference. I’m not the only person in the band, Titus.”

Titus dropped an envelope on the table.

“They’ll be waiting downstairs in 45 minutes.” He said before he turned and walked from the room.

As Titus closed the door, Lexa reached across the table and picked up the envelope, she didn’t need to look to know what was in it, but she did anyway. Opening the envelope, she saw four tinfoil wraps. Lexa knew she needed to go and shower before meeting the rest of the band downstairs, she also knew that she’d be okay for most of the rest of the night without another hit.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So,” Clarke said as she arrived back home from her date, finding Raven and Octavia sitting back on the sofa, “I don’t think there’ll be a third date with this one.”

“What’s wrong with this one, Clarke?” Octavia asked, knowing that the guy Clarke had gone out with was a friend of Bellamy’s.

“He thinks a good third date would be VIP tickets to the Grounder concert in a couple of weeks.” The blonde said as she squeezed in between her two best friends on the sofa, “which is obviously not going to happen.”

“Did you tell him you knew the band?” Raven asked, amusement in her voice.

“Wasn’t really sure how to work that into the conversation, I’m not sure it would’ve fit anywhere,” Clarke said, taking Raven’s beer from her hand, “somewhere between him telling me how hot the bassist was, and how it was, and I quote, ‘a real shame that the lead singer doesn’t ride stick, cause she’s a hot piece of ass’. So yeah, no third date.”

“Ouch.” Raven said, shaking her head a little, taking her beer back after Clarke had taken a drink, “I thought you said this one wasn’t a tool, O.”

“That’s what Bell said,” Octavia replied, “told me he was a nice guy.”

“Remind me not to trust your brother’s opinion on guys.” Raven said with a laugh.

“Are we forgetting that you actually slept with Bellamy?” Clarke asked.

“You did what?” Octavia asked, her head snapping round as she looked at Raven.

“It was in college, we were drunk, it’s barely worth mentioning.” Raven said, waving off Octavia, “anyway, back to the important things…”

“You slept with my brother?” Octavia said, “and you seriously think that’s not important?”

“You did this on purpose.” Raven muttered to Clarke.

“Whoops.” Clarke said with a shrug and a smirk, “I’m going to shower.”

“Clarke Griffin!” Raven yelled as the blonde walked towards her bedroom laughing, “Get your butt back here.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was standing in the elevator with Gustus, her aviators firmly in place, she was standing with her back against the elevator wall, her head rested back and her eyes closed.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Gustus asked.

“Nope.” Lexa replied, popping the ‘p’, “but it was a decision that was made for me.”

“Lexa, he can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do,” Gustus said with a sigh, “you’ve been travelling on the tour bus since yesterday afternoon, people would understand you needing a night away from everything.”

“I’m not the only one who has been on the tour bus since yesterday afternoon, Gus,” Lexa said, lifting the glasses to the top of her head, “it’s not going to look good if everyone else is going out to eat and I don’t.”

“And what did Titus give you to convince you that this was a good idea?” Gustus asked.

“Can we not do this right now.” Lexa said, clenching her jaw a little.

“When else do you suggest we do this, Lexa,” Gustus replied, “every time I try and bring it up you always find something else more important to talk about.”

“Leave it alone, Gustus.” Lexa said, putting her glasses back over her eyes.

“Lexa, this is a dangerous game,” he said, stepping closer to her, “that man has you dependent on him and what he provides for you.”

“Leave it alone, Gustus.” Lexa repeated, stepping around him as the elevator opened.

“People are worried about you, Lexa.” Gustus said, grabbing her arm and pulling her back away from the lobby.

“For people to be worried, that means people have to care,” Lexa said, jaw clenched again, “the only thing people care about is their pay cheque.”

Lexa pulled her arm away from Gustus and walked towards the lobby again.

“Her majesty finally arrives.” Ontari said, a smirk on her lips.

“Bow down, bitches.” Lexa said with a smirk of her own, trying to put what Gustus had said to the back of her mind, “so where are we going for food?”

“Some Italian restaurant a few blocks away,” Anya replied, “the car is outside.”

Lexa glanced out of the main doors of the hotel and saw a crowd of photographers along with the fans who were still there from when they had arrived.

“Why the hell does it look like every photographer in the city is camped outside our hotel?” Lexa asked as she looked at Anya.

“Because that probably is every photographer in the city.” Anya said.

“Christ.” Lexa sighed, running her hand through her hair.

“Let’s get you to the car.” Gustus said, walking up next to Lexa.

“There are four of us here, Gustus,” Lexa said, “are you going to make four trips to the car?”

“We can deal with the fans and photographers,” Echo said, smiling softly at Lexa, “you go to the car.”

“Ready?” Gustus asked, looking at Lexa.

Lexa nodded as she walked towards the door. Gustus pushed the door open, using his body to move the photographers out of the way as he cleared a path for Lexa to the car. Lexa kept her head down as she moved towards the car, ignoring the calls of her name. Gustus opened the back door of the car and she got in, taking a deep breath as she remembered why she hated the publicity side of her life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Titus is still an asshole, the band do an interview which doesn't turn out too well, and Lexa sends a text that she might regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I only posted the first part of this yesterday, but apparently I'm on a roll with the angst. Thank you all for the comments, they really helped. Don't forget to let me know what you think of this part :)

Lexa was pulled from her dreamless sleep by the sounds of someone moving around in her hotel room. She hadn’t dreamt in a while, probably something to do with the drugs that she usually took before going to sleep. Slowly she opened her eyes to see Anya going through one of her bags.

“Anya, what the hell?” Lexa said, yawning as she sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes a little in an attempt to wake herself up.

“We have an interview with the local news station in about an hour and a half,” Anya replied, pulling out an outfit for Lexa to wear, “time for you to get up, sleeping beauty.”

“I’m going to need a shirt to go with that.” Lexa said, motioning to the outfit that Anya had laid on the bottom of the bed.

Anya nodded a little before turning back to Lexa’s bag and finding a plaid shirt that went with the typical jeans and t-shirt that she had picked out.

“Coffee’s on the table.” Anya said, motioning to the table, where there did indeed sit a mug of coffee.

“I love you.” Lexa said, climbing out of bed, kissing Anya on the side of the head before she walked over to the table.

“I talked to Raven last night.” Anya said, sitting down on the bottom of Lexa’s bed as the brunette sat on one of the chairs next to the table.

“She okay?” Lexa asked.

Lexa still had limited contact with both Raven and Octavia, they exchanged the odd tweet now and again, and Lexa would text them every so often to find out how they were doing. They had all become friends in high school, but Lexa was also aware that they had been Clarke’s friends first, so when her relationship with the blonde came to an end, she didn’t want to put them in any uncomfortable positions where they may have felt obligated to take sides.

They had shared pretty much everything, from their group of friends to their favourite places to hang out, which is part of the reason that Lexa hadn’t been home since. She didn’t want to end up going to the same place Clarke was, or run into one of their mutual friends, because she didn’t want to cause the blonde any more pain than she knew she already had. It’s also why she had asked Gustus to stop her when she called Clarke, though he wasn’t always there. She knew she shouldn’t call her, but when things got really bad for Lexa, she just needed to hear Clarke’s voice, to know that the blonde, who was quite possibly the love of Lexa’s life, was still out there somewhere.

“Yeah, she’s okay,” Anya said with a nod, “other than complaining about Clarke dropping her in it with Octavia.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just arched her eyebrow questioningly at Anya as she continued to drink her coffee.

“Apparently Bellamy had tried to set Clarke up with one of his friends,” Anya continued, seeing how Lexa averted her eyes and blinked a few times, “don’t worry, it didn’t work out, apparently he was a total tool.”

“It’s not up to me to worry about who she dates, or whether or not she’s dating,” Lexa said with a sigh, “I mean, obviously she’s going to date, she’s gorgeous, she’s… well, she’s Clarke.”

“Anyway, like I said, didn’t work out.” Anya said, “but Raven’s issue was that Clarke let slip that Raven had slept with Bellamy.”

“Are you seriously telling me that Octavia didn’t know about that?” Lexa asked with a small laugh, “that happened in our first year in college.”

“It’s one of those things that nobody talks about.” Anya replied with a shrug, “one-time thing, neither of them see the point in bringing it up.”

“I don’t see why; they would actually make a pretty cute couple.” Lexa said.

“Maybe.” Anya said, sighing a little as she stood up, “anyway, finish your coffee, take a shower.”

“Yes ma’am.” Lexa replied with a salute.

Anya spotted the envelope that Titus had left the previous night, Lexa had left it on the table rather than putting it away somewhere.

“What’s this?” Anya said, walking over to the table and reaching over to pick up the envelope.

As Anya picked up the envelope, Lexa let out a sigh, put her mug back on the table and stood up.

“Lex…” Anya sighed as she opened the envelope, watching as Lexa walked over to the outfit Anya had picked out.

“Can we not.” Lexa said, looking at the clothes rather than her sister.

“I’m worried about you, kid.” Anya said, putting the envelope back on the table, before she walked over to Lexa.

“There’s no need, I’m fine.” Lexa said with a shrug, shaking her head a little.

“But you’re not.” Anya replied, putting her arm around Lexa’s shoulder, “you can’t keep on like this, Lexa. I know that you’re careful, but this isn’t any way to live your life.”

“It’s the only way I can deal with my life, Anya.” Lexa said quietly.

“What do you mean by that?” Anya asked.

Before Lexa could answer there was a knock at the door, which Lexa went to answer, to find Titus standing there.

“How are you this morning, Lexa?” he asked.

“Fine,” Lexa replied, “about to get a shower before this interview.”

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” he said, “the record company believe that it would probably be a good idea to keep the questions about the tour and the album.”

“Well that’s not up to me is it,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little as she walked back into her room, Titus following behind her, “I’m not the one that’s asking the questions.”

“When you’re asked a question about something other than the tour or the album, I suggest you find a way to lead the line of questioning back to that. We know there’s a lot of focus on your relationship status, and your sexuality…” Titus said, walking into the room, stopping talking as he saw Anya standing in the room, “Anya.”

“Isn’t this something that should be talked about with the entire band, Titus,” Anya said, crossing her arms across her chest, “or is this yet another load of shit that you’re laying at Lexa’s feet.”

“Anya…” Lexa said with a sigh, running her hand through her hair.

“You put her under too much pressure,” Anya said, stepping towards Titus, “you make her the face of the band, the one that everyone focuses on, the one who is forced to be at the center of everything. Can’t you see that she is struggling, or do you just not give a shit?”

“Of course I care, Anya,” Titus replied, “I care about all of you.”

“Right,” Anya said with a nod, “sure you do. I’m going to go and get ready for this interview, I suggest you let Lexa do the same.”

Titus didn’t say anything, he looked at Lexa, his eyes conveying everything that his lack of words meant. Titus turned and walked from the room as Lexa sat down on her bed.

“Does he come and talk to you alone a lot?” Anya asked, looking at Lexa as Titus closed the door.

“He likes to try and get his point across.” Lexa replied with a sigh, “I need to get ready.”

“I’ll see you downstairs.” Anya said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Sitting with Anya, Echo and Ontari while the lighting was set up for the interview, and the make-up artists did their thing, Lexa could see Titus standing towards the back of the small room in the hotel which they were using.

“Are there any questions that you would like me to steer clear of?” the reporter asked, looking at the girls.

“You mean are there any questions we don’t want you to ask, so you can ask them and put us on the spot?” Ontari asked, causing Lexa to laugh a little.

“I just want to make sure you’re all comfortable with the line of questioning,” the reporter said, “the more comfortable you are, the more enjoyable the interview.”

“What do you think, Lexa?” Anya asked, looking at her sister, “any questions she should avoid?”

“Ask anything you want to ask, if we don’t want to answer it, we won’t.” Lexa replied, ignoring the glaring look she was getting from Titus.

“Okay,” the interviewer said with a nod, sending a small smile in Lexa’s direction, “sounds like a plan.”

Anya rolled her eyes a little at the smile directed at her sister.

“Can I get a bottle of water or something before we start?” Lexa asked, looking at Titus.

He nodded a little before leaving the room to get Lexa a drink.

“You could always take your shirt off if you’re getting a little warm.” Ontari said as she looked at Lexa.

“Can’t do that,” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little, knowing that Ontari knew why she couldn’t, “it’d totally mess with the lesbian aesthetic I’ve got going on today.”

“You do look more gay than usual.” Echo agreed with a smirk.

“Blame Anya, she picked the outfit.” Lexa said.

A few minutes after Titus returned with a bottle of water for Lexa, the interview started.

“This is the fourth time you’ve been in the city for a series of concerts in the last three years,” the interviewer said, “this time you’re playing for three nights, all sold out. What is it about this city that makes you keep coming back?”

“The record company.” Anya said, making the other three girls laugh.

“That’s not fair,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “there’s also that pretty awesome pizza place on Main Street.”

“The pizza place that Lexa doesn’t actually eat at, but apparently they make a mean banana milkshake.” Ontari said with a smirk.

“It’s true.” Lexa replied with a nod, “but in all seriousness, we love playing here. It’s a great city and the fans are awesome.”

“When I was doing some research for this interview…” the interviewer started to say.

“Oh no, she did research, run.” Echo interrupted, making everyone including the camera man laugh, “sorry, carry on.”

“I read a few interviews that the four of you did with your old college newspaper,” the interviewer said, “in one of those interviews, Lexa, you said that this wasn’t what you saw yourself doing.”

“That’s true,” Lexa replied, with a small nod as she swallowed a lump that had developed in her throat, “I actually wanted to be a marine biologist.”

“She also wanted to be an astronaut at one point.” Anya said.

“I was 5.” Lexa said with a small laugh.

“How did you go from wanting to be a marine biologist to being the lead singer in a very successful band?” the interviewer asked.

“Well as you know we all went to the same college,” Lexa said, “during my first year there Anya mentioned that they needed a new lead singer and guitarist for the band, they also needed a new bassist, which is where Ontari came into it. A couple of people had to leave, deciding that they needed to concentrate more on their studies rather than the band. So I figured why not, it could be fun. Then early into my second year at college, we did a local gig and a talent scout for the record company came along, the rest, as they say, is history.”

“Is the choice between the band and your studies ever something you regret?” the interviewer said.

“It’s not a choice that only I made,” Lexa said, looking at the other girls, “we were all there and made the decision together.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s something that I regret,” Anya said, knowing that Lexa’s response was a clear indication that she didn’t want to answer the question, “I think that this is something that most people who are in bands dream of. Making music that is heard by a lot of people, travelling the country and the world to play those songs live.”

“I agree,” Echo said, “I don’t think it’s anything that any of us ever really believed would happen, but there’s always that dream.”

“And to add to what Anya and Echo have said, what’s to regret?” Ontari said, “Lexa and I were in the same year at college and if we’d have continued on with that we’d only have been out of college for a couple of years. Doing this means that we’ve seen more of the world than most people see in their lives, and we get paid to do it.”

“You’re all going back to your hometown in a couple of weeks to do a series of concerts, which are all sold out,” the interview said, her eyes flicking to Lexa as she continued the question, “this is going to be the first time since the release of your first album that you’ve been back to perform. Is there a reason for that?”

“Before Ontari and Lexa joined the band,” Anya said, as Lexa looked to her to answer the question, “the original line up of the band spent a couple of years playing small gigs all over the city week after week. We figured we’d give them a bit of a break before we went back.”

“You’ve all been on the road for pretty much three years straight,” the interviewer continued on with the questions, “that has to make friendships difficult to maintain, and personal relationships harder to develop, how do you manage it?”

“Echo is probably the best person to answer that one, as she’s the only one of us who is actually in a relationship right now.” Lexa said, looking at the girl.

“Well my boyfriend and I were together all through high school and into college, so he understands that the band is important,” Echo said, causing Lexa to clench her jaw a little before she took a drink from her bottle of water, “my phone bill is through the roof and we try to spend as much time together as we can when I do get time off.”

“It’s actually sickeningly sweet how much time they spend on the phone,” Anya said with a laugh, “for the rest of us it’s difficult, because being in the spotlight like we are at the moment leaves you with the questions about whether someone is with for you who you are, you know, whether they’re with you because you’re in Grounders.”

“There are rumors circulating on the internet that Lexa was in a pretty serious relationship when she joined the band,” the interviewer said, “some go as far as to say that the girl made her choose between the band and the relationship. Any truth to those rumors?”

“You really shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.” Anya said, hoping to shut down the question.

“So there was no serious relationship?” the interviewer asked, her eyes fixed on Lexa.

“There was,” Lexa answered, “we were together from our sophomore year in high school, but she never made me choose between the relationship and the band. She was always more than encouraging about the band and the part I play in it. The time on the road made the relationship impossible to maintain, I was away more than I was home, and that wasn’t fair on her.”

Anya was impressed with how Lexa had answered the question, and the fact that she kept her temper. An interview they had done in the past had been cut short when the person interviewing them brought up Lexa’s history with Clarke. Though Anya could read her sister like a book, so she knew that Lexa wasn’t as calm as she appeared to be at that moment.

“Is that the reason that you haven’t been back to your hometown in nearly three years?” The interviewer pressed.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” Lexa replied.

“Moving on…” Ontari said, her eyes narrowed as she looked at the interviewer.

“There is speculation from industry insiders, that you’ll all be taking some time off once this tour has finished,” the interviewer said, turning the questions back to information about the band, “before releasing another album towards the end of next year. Can you tell us anything about that?”

“First we’ve heard of it.” Echo replied, “we’re always working on new material, whether that’s for a new album or just for fun on the tour bus.”

“You spend a lot of time travelling on the tour bus,” the interviewer said, “how to you deal with that as a group?”

“I’ve watched everything on Netflix,” Lexa replied, “literally everything. We watch movies, listen to and write music, and spend as much time away from each other as we can. Having four girls, and the rest of our team, on a bus for hours or days on end can lead to some pretty interesting arguments.”

“What kind of arguments?” the interviewer asked, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“I think the strangest one was about who had left their socks in the sink in the kitchen area.” Lexa said, as she, Echo and Anya all looked at Ontari.

“That seriously wasn’t me, how many more times.” Ontari said, shaking her head.

“Then there was the time that one of our crew guys spent three days walking around without shoes, cause his sneakers stank out the bus so Lexa threw them out of the window on the freeway.” Anya said.

“I don’t even remember doing that.” Lexa replied with a small laugh, shaking her head a little.

“You’d warned him about it for a week before that, told him to do what the rest of us do and either bring along another pair of sneakers, or walk around the bus in his socks.” Anya said, “then one night when he had crashed, you snuck over to his bunk and stole his sneakers, throwing them out of the window.”

“Sounds like it was his own fault then,” the interviewer said with a laugh, “it doesn’t sound like you have many serious arguments.”

“Not really,” Ontari said, shaking her head a little, “there are obviously times when having four girls around each other 24/7 is not a good idea, and there have been some pretty intense screaming matches about chocolate, but nothing that can’t be worked out.”

“When those screaming matches happen, who usually wins?” The interviewer asked, causing Anya, Echo and Ontari to look at Lexa, “fair enough. Okay, one final question, are you excited about the fan meet and greet?”

“Always.” Lexa said with a small smile, “it’s always great to be able to meet our fans.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Raven and Octavia were so caught up in watching a video of the Grounders interview video that had been put online, they didn’t hear Clarke walking up behind the sofa. The blonde stood behind them watching the video, thinking to herself that Lexa looked a lot better than she did in the photograph that Anya had posted the previous day. When it got to the part about the internet rumors the blonde sighed.

“As if I would ever make her choose.” She said, forgetting that Raven and Octavia didn’t know she was there.

“Jesus Christ.” Raven said, dropping her phone, “we need to get you a bell.”

“Is that seriously what people think?” Clarke asked, looking between the two, “that I made her choose?”

“People who actually know you and Lexa know that isn’t what happened,” Octavia said, trying to reassure the blonde, “what everyone else thinks doesn’t matter.”

“The way she answered the question about personal relationships kind of puts the other rumors to bed as well,” Raven said, “the rumors about her having a new girlfriend.”

“I hadn’t heard those rumors.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed a little.

“Just some crap going around on twitter,” Raven replied with a shrug, “someone said something about seeing Lexa in a club in the last city they were in. Wouldn’t read too much into it.”

“I kind of expect that she’s been with other people,” the blonde said, attempting to sound like the very idea of Lexa being with anyone else didn’t hurt her, “it’s been three years.”

“I’m not sure where she’d have the time,” Octavia said, “they’re pretty much constantly busy.”

“Guys, it’s bound to happen,” Clarke said, stepping away from the back of the sofa before making her way towards the kitchen, “she’s not going to stay celibate, nor would I expect her to, whatever she does, and whoever she does it with, is her business. Doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

“That has got to be the biggest pile of bullshit that has ever come out of her mouth,” Raven said quietly to Octavia as Clarke walked into the kitchen, “right?”

“Oh yeah, total bullshit.” Octavia said with a nod.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Well that was a complete disaster.” Titus said as Anya, Echo, Ontari and Lexa all left the interview room.

“It really wasn’t that bad.” Ontari said, shaking her head, “you’re overreacting.”

“I thought I made it clear that questions about personal relationships…” he started to say.

“It’s not like you stepped in to say anything,” Lexa snapped, turning to look at him, “you were standing right there, you could’ve said something at any time, but you didn’t.”

“It isn’t…” he started saying.

“Don’t even try telling me it’s not your job,” Lexa said, interrupting him, “because it kind of is. You’re the one who decided to take on the role of manager and publicist, which makes shit like that your job. She asked us questions, we answered them, and you stood there at the back of the room glaring at us for doing our jobs.”

“It is starting to sound like you’re blaming me for this.” Titus said, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Maybe you’re not as stupid as I originally thought you were,” Lexa said, “you promised me that my relationship with Clarke would never become a thing, you promised that you would keep that out of the press and away from the public. But now, all of a sudden, when the rest of the publicity and press surrounding us is starting to quieten down again, it’s right there, and you didn’t even tell me about it.”

“How would I have known?” Titus asked.

“Because there isn’t anything on the internet about me, or any of the rest of us, that you don’t know about.” Lexa stated.

“Lexa.” Gustus said, walking up next to the brunette, “why don’t we go and get some air.”

Lexa nodded a little as she looked at Gustus, before she looked back at Titus.

“Good luck explaining why I won’t be at the meet and greet.” Lexa said to him before walking away from the small group.

Lexa and Gustus walked to the small outside courtyard, knowing that the press wouldn’t be there. Lexa sat on the wall while Gustus stood near the door.

“You not being at the meet and greet isn’t going to punish Titus, he isn’t the one who will miss out,” Gustus said, “it’ll be the fans who have been looking forward to it, they’re the ones who will suffer.”

“He came to the room last night to remind me about it,” Lexa said, resting her arms on her legs as she leant forwards on the wall, “I don’t even remember him telling me about it.”

“Have you been having problems remembering things?” Gustus asked, walking over to the wall and sitting down next to the brunette.

Gustus was well aware that prolonged heroin use could lead to memory problems, if Lexa was getting to that point already then they had serious issues, not that he didn’t think that Lexa using the drug at all was a serious issue, because he did. He had already put in a private call to the record company suggesting that the band be given some time off as he believed that if Lexa had time away then she was more likely to be able to get clean.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “the problem isn’t that I can’t remember things, my issue is that I can remember everything. That’s where my problems start… he didn’t tell me, Gustus, I know he didn’t.”

“And the drugs make you forget for a short time?” Gustus asked.

“No,” Lexa replied, a small smirk pulling at her lips, “they get me to the point where I really don’t care.”

Lexa’s phone beeped, letting her know she had a message. She took her phone out of her pocket and had to laugh at the message that she saw.

 **Raven:** I see all that media training didn’t go to waste.

 **Lexa:** Obviously it didn’t, I really wanted to either walk out or give the woman a slap.

 **Raven:** I’m sure Tight-Ass would have loved that.

 **Lexa:** Oh my god is that actually saved in your autocorrect?

 **Raven:** I blame Octavia. Anyway, you free to meet up when you’re here, it’s been a while.

 **Lexa:** Are you sure that’s a good idea Rae?

 **Raven:** I miss my friend.

Lexa let out a sigh before she replied to Raven’s message, she knew exactly what the other girl meant, because she missed her too.

 **Lexa:** I’ll see what I can do, can’t make any promises though.

Lexa knew that would be the end of the conversation so she put her phone back in her pocket, Gustus was looking at her with a questioning look in his eyes.

“Raven.” She said.

“I was wondering who had you laughing.” He replied with a small smile.

“She’s good at that.” Lexa said with a sigh, “what time is the meet and greet?”

“6,” Gustus said, “you have just over 7 hours.”

“I need to…” Lexa started to say.

Gustus didn’t wait for her to finish what she was saying, he simply stood up and walked towards the door, waiting for her to follow.

“So you’re going to the meet and greet then?” he asked as they walked towards the elevator.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a sigh and a nod, “don’t tell Titus though, let him sweat it for a little while first.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was woken up by her phone beeping, she’d fallen asleep on the sofa, watching a movie with Raven.

“Someone is popular.” Raven said, glancing at the blonde.

“Why did you let me sleep?” Clarke asked, rubbing her eyes as she sat up, reaching for her phone.

“You obviously needed the sleep.” Raven replied, turning her attention back to the movie as Clarke read the text she had just got.

 **Lexa:** why didn’t you change your number?

Clarke’s breath hitched in her throat as she read the text again. Though Lexa had called her more than a few times over three years, she’d never text her.

“What’s got you spooked?” Raven asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at Clarke.

“Nothing…” Clarke replied, shaking her head a little, “unexpected text, that’s all.”

“That guy you went on a date with still wanting another date?” Raven asked.

“No.” Clarke said, shaking her head again.

“Okay then, Griff, keep your secrets.” Raven said, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“It’s from Lexa.” Clarke said, causing the smile to fall from Raven’s lips.

“Damn.” She said, “I didn’t realise you two were still in contact.”

“We’re not,” Clarke replied, “not really…”

“What do you mean ‘not really’, you either still talk to each other or you don’t.” Raven said, turning the movie off and sitting next to Clarke on the sofa as the blonde kept her eyes fixed on her phone.

“She talks, I listen.” Clarke said, “it’s not even talking, not like full sentences or anything. She calls like once a month or so, tells me she’s sorry and that she misses me, then Gustus takes the phone, apologises and then hangs up.”

“Gustus?” Raven asked, “her bodyguard?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a nod, “from what I can gather she’s usually drunk when she calls, her speech is always a little slurred, but it’s always the same thing, never anything more. But now…”

Clarke held her phone out for Raven to see the text.

“It’s a good question,” Raven said with a shrug, “you’ve changed everything else. Email address, actual address, why not the number?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke said, swallowing hard as her eyes started to burn, “I guess it’s that… that last connection, I guess.”

“You’re not ready to let go.” Raven replied, putting her arm around Clarke’s shoulders and placing a soft kiss on the side of her head.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to fully let go,” Clarke said, sighing as the tears started to fall from her eyes, “it’s Lexa, you know…”

Clarke’s phone beeped again, causing both Clarke and Raven to look at it.

 **Lexa:** ignore that, I have no right to ask, I’m sorry.

“Are you going to reply?” Raven asked.

“And say what?” Clarke asked in reply, causing Raven to shrug.

With a sigh, Clarke sent her reply.

 **Clarke:** Would you believe me if I said I don’t know why I didn’t change it?

 **Lexa:** No, but I can accept that you don’t want to tell me, it’s not like I have a right to know.

 **Clarke:** Didn’t you have a show tonight?

 **Lexa:** I did.

 **Clarke:** So why are you not asleep?

 **Lexa:** Too much going through my head.

 **Clarke:** Like what?

 

x-x-x-x

 

“That is the million-dollar question.” Lexa said as she looked at her phone.

Lexa was laying on her bed in her hotel room, the room itself was dark apart from the light coming from her phone. She had no idea why she had sent Clarke the text, obviously she had been wondering about why the blonde hadn’t changed her number for a while, but she didn’t exactly expect her to reply. She could tell Clarke the truth, and tell her that thoughts about her were partly what was keeping her awake, or she could lie.

 **Lexa:** Do you want the honest answer, or can I get away with a bullshit reason?

 **Clarke:** Try both and we’ll see which fits better.

Clarke’s response made Lexa laugh, it was the first time she had properly laughed all night.

 **Lexa:** Okay, but I’m not going to tell you which answer is the truth and which is bullshit, you have to figure that one out all on your own.

 **Clarke:** Okay.

 **Lexa:** Option number one, the interview I did earlier is still playing on my mind.

 **Clarke:** And option number two?

 **Lexa:** You.

Lexa’s heart started to pound in her chest as she waited, and waited, for Clarke to reply. When no reply came she shook her head a little and climbed out of bed, walking over to the small table that was in her room. Turning on the small lamp that sat on the table she saw the envelope that Titus had left the previous night, next to it she saw a post-it note that hadn’t been there before the concert. There were two small pills sitting on the post-it note, which had a small handwritten note on it.

_Try this instead._

_Gus._

She picked up the pills and looked at them while she grabbed her phone and called Gustus, she knew he’d still be awake, he stayed awake until she text him to say she was going to sleep.

“Are these pills likely to kill me?” she asked as soon as Gustus answered the phone.

“No.” Gustus said, “they’ll just help you sleep.”

“Am I likely to dream?” She asked in reply, “because that would kind of suck.”

“Most people don’t dream, but they do sleep for 8 hours.” He said, “and would dreaming be such a bad thing?”

“Considering the text conversation I just had, yes, it would be.” Lexa said with a sigh.

“What did you do?” Gustus asked.

“I may have text Clarke.” She replied, hearing Gustus sigh down the phone, “yes, I know, it was stupid, I shouldn’t have done it, naughty Lexa.”

“I take it she replied.” He said.

“She did,” Lexa said, nodding to herself, “but then she stopped, she was asking me what was keeping me awake.”

“When in doubt, lie.” Gustus said, causing Lexa to laugh a little, “try not to worry too much about it right now, okay?”

“Okay.” Lexa replied, “I’m going to try and sleep.”

“Goodnight Lexa.” Gustus said, hanging up the phone after getting a ‘night’ in return.

Lexa walked back over to her bed, after getting back into the bed she took the pills with a mouthful of water, before looking back at her phone again to see that Clarke still hadn’t replied. She quickly typed out another message before putting her phone on charge and closing her eyes.

 **Lexa:** I’m sorry. Goodnight, Clarke.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go from bad to worse for Lexa, Anya finally accepts a few things, and Titus is still a total asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy this new chapter. Drop me a comment and let me know what you think. If there's anything specific you'd like to see, let me know and I'll see if I can work it in at some point. Remember it's supposed to be angsty.

 

Anya was pacing around outside Lexa’s hotel room when Gustus got there, she had only called him 5 minutes prior to him arriving, but it had seemed like a lot longer than that.

“She’s not answering the door,” Anya said, as Gustus got out the new key card that he had been down to the reception to pick up, “I tried my card but for some reason it isn’t working.”

Anya looked a little confused when the card Gustus used worked, she knew that he had gotten his at the same time she got hers, well the same time Lexa had given her the card.

“I went down to the reception to get a new one,” he explained, “they told me that she had gone down to the desk late last night. Told them that she had lost the key somewhere and wanted to get a new one, asked them to reset the code on the door as well in case a fan had picked the card up.”

“What happened last night, Gus?” Anya asked, “she seemed to be doing okay when the gig finished.”

“She text Clarke.” He said, opening the door and walking into the room.

Anya sighed and shook her head a little as she followed him into the room. After pacing around outside the room she had ran over all the different scenarios in her head of what they were about to find, and after Gustus now telling her that Lexa had text Clarke, those ideas got worse.

She knew Lexa wasn’t having an easy time, she knew that Lexa had never got over ending her relationship with Clarke. Anya also knew that this really wasn’t the life that Lexa wanted. For a while when they first started touring, the small venues after the first album came out, it was fine, everything was good, Lexa was having as much fun as the rest of them. Then when her relationship ended with Clarke, everything took a turn, a much darker turn. Anya knew that her sister would probably be much happier back in the city with her friends, their friends, but Lexa had given that all up so that Anya and the others could have this life.

She had talked to Echo about Lexa maybe taking a break, or quitting completely if that’s what she wanted to do, but Echo had pointed out to her that they all signed a contract. They were legally bound to see out that contract, and the other girl had also pointed out that they probably would never have got that contract if it wasn’t for Lexa.

Anya had always known that her sister had a massive amount of talent, they used to mess around singing at home, and when their parents had agreed to Anya having guitar and piano lessons, Lexa wanted to tag along. She was great at it, picked it up a lot faster than Anya did, their teacher said she was a natural. But for Lexa it was all just supposed to be fun, it stopped being fun when Anya walked into the small bedroom Lexa had on the tour bus and found her passed out on the bed with a needle in her arm.

“Can you open the curtains?” Gustus said, from where he was next to Lexa’s bed, snapping Anya out of her thoughts, “I can’t see a thing.”

Anya nodded a little and made her way over to the window, as she passed the small tables she saw all the necessary paraphernalia that Lexa would’ve needed for a hit, and one of the small foil wraps now open and empty. Anya knew that each of those wraps would have more than enough for one hit in them, Titus would have given her enough to last her the few days at the hotel.

“Jesus, kid,” Gustus said, “what have you done…”

Anya turned around and looked at the bed, Lexa was laying with her head close to the side of the bed, it was pretty clear she’d been sick at some point during the night. From where Anya was standing it looked bad, really bad.

“Is she…?” Anya said, finding herself unable to finish the sentence.

“She’s breathing.” Gustus said, “can you go and run a bath, not too warm.”

Anya nodded, knowing from the way Gustus was being so very calm about all this, that this probably wasn’t the first time he had found Lexa like this. While Anya was running a bath she couldn’t help but think that this was mostly her fault. If she hadn’t wanted Lexa to join the band, if she hadn’t been so happy when they had been offered the record deal, Lexa probably would’ve stayed in college and become a marine biologist like she had wanted to. Anya knew that Lexa was putting herself through everything that she was so that Anya and the others would be happy. She’d always done that though, put everyone else’s happiness above her own.

She went back out into the main area of the hotel room to find Gustus on the phone, calling down for a fresh change of sheets and some cleaning things, Anya walked over to Lexa as Gustus was explaining to the receptionist that she had been ill during the night. Anya crouched down next to the bed, managing to avoid the vomit, and softly brushed Lexa’s hair from her face, noticing that Lexa was running a temperature, which is obviously why Gustus had said not to make the bath too warm. She smiled a little as Lexa slowly opened her eyes and looked at her.

“Hey…” she said.

“What a mess, huh?” Lexa said with a sigh.

“You might be a mess, but you’re our mess, and we love you.” Anya said, blinking back the tears that she found burning her eyes.

“No tears.” Lexa said, furrowing her brow and slowly bringing her hand up to wipe the tears from Anya’s face.

Anya spotted the blood on the inside of Lexa’s arm when she had injected the needle the night before.

“Can you help her into the bath?” Gustus asked, “I’ll take care of everything in here.”

“Sure.” Anya said with a nod, standing up and helping Lexa off the bed.

Lexa was extremely wobbly on her feet, so Anya picked her up and carried her into the bathroom.

“Can you undress yourself, or…?” Anya asked, sitting Lexa down on the closed toilet lid.

Lexa nodded a little.

“I’m going to go and get you a change of clothes,” Anya said, as Lexa started to pull her t-shirt over her head, “don’t try and get in the tub till I’m back, okay.”

Lexa nodded again before Anya turned and left the bathroom. She found Gustus hiding everything away as she walked over to Lexa’s bag and got out a pair of sweat pants, a t-shirt and some clean underwear.

“She’s going to be okay.” Gustus said, hoping he sounded more sure about that than he felt.

“This isn’t the first time you’ve found her like this, is it?” Anya asked, turning to look at the man.

Instead of replying Gustus just shook his head a little.

“What are we going to do, Gustus?” she asked.

“We’re going to get her through today,” Gustus replied, “then we’ll get her through tomorrow.”

Anya sighed and nodded, taking the fresh clothes through to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

 

x-x-x-x

 

While Anya was helping Lexa clean up in the tub, something that reminded her of when Lexa had been sick as a kid and she’d had to do pretty much the same thing, though she hadn’t had to make sure Lexa stayed awake then, she heard raised voices in the main room.

“Titus…” Lexa said, as she saw Anya looking to the door.

“Well, he’s not my concern right now,” Anya said, as she finished washing Lexa’s hair, “you are.”

“I’m okay…” Lexa replied.

“You’re really not okay, kid.” Anya said with a sigh, “and I am so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Lexa asked, looking at her sister, “not like this is your fault.”

“It kind of is though,” Anya replied, “I know this isn’t what you wanted to do with your life, and yet, here you are.”

“This is your dream, Anya.” Lexa said, blinking quickly a few times as her eyes threatened to close again.

“Sure, it’s really my dream to have to be bathing my kid sister cause she woke up in a pool of her own vomit,” Anya sighed, “sorry…”

Lexa shrugged.

“It is what it is.” Lexa said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“She has interviews that she needs to do today,” Titus said, pacing around the room, “interviews that are important.”

“She needs to rest,” Gustus replied, “she’s sick.”

“She’ll be fine in a few hours.” Titus said.

“You just don’t get it, do you,” Gustus said, “one of these mornings someone is going to come into her room and find her dead. She’ll either overdose or she’ll pass out and choke on her own vomit. All you’re thinking about is the money that you’re getting out of this.”

“What do you suggest I do?” Titus asked, “I can’t exactly go in front of the press and say that there will be no interviews today and tell them the reasons why. Her drug use will destroy the reputation of the band.”

“Her drug use that you are facilitating,” Gustus said, stepping closer to the smaller man, “you’re the one who keeps providing it for her.”

“If she wasn’t getting it from me, she would be getting it from someone else,” Titus said, shaking his head a little, “at least this way we know that what she’s putting into her body isn’t cut with something that is going to kill her.”

“The drugs are going to kill her!” Gustus said.

“Can you two please just shut up.” Lexa said, as Anya helped her out of the bathroom and sat her down on the now freshly made bed, “when is the first interview?”

“This afternoon, 2pm.” Titus said.

“I’ll be there.” Lexa said.

“Lex…” Anya said with a sigh.

“I’ll be there.” Lexa repeated, “just get me something to eat, sweet stuff, and some water, maybe a…”

“Banana milkshake?” Gustus asked as he looked at Lexa.

“Yeah…” Lexa said with a nod.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke kept reading over the texts that she and Lexa had exchanged the previous night, her heart had simultaneously felt like it was going to burst and dropped into her stomach when Lexa had said she couldn’t sleep because she was thinking about her. Sure, she had often wondered if Lexa ever thought about her, if she ever thought about what they’d had. Before she had met Lexa, Clarke was all set to follow in her mom’s footsteps, to become a doctor.

That had been something that her parents had talked about for as long as Clarke could remember, her dad thinking that Clarke should do something that made her happy, her mom sure that a stable career would eventually make her happy. For a while Clarke had liked the idea of being a doctor, helping people, but then she had met Lexa. The brunette had made her see that maybe her happiness didn’t lay in doing what her mom wanted to do, maybe her happiness would be easier found in doing something that she loved, her art.

It was all thanks to Lexa that Clarke had sat her parents down before applying for colleges and talked to them about wanting to take art, instead of medicine. She knew that her mother wasn’t going to be happy about it, but Lexa was right there with Clarke, by her side the entire time. She had given her that strength that she needed, and Clarke would never be able to thank her enough for that. As part of her art degree, Clarke had taken Art History, a compromise that she had made with her mother, taking a subject that could get her a stable job if she found herself struggling to sell pieces.

Though Lexa had been there with Clarke to help her realise that she should follow her heart and her dreams, Clarke hadn’t been able to say the same thing. She knew Lexa wouldn’t ever be completely happy with the band and taking the contract, but every time they had talked about it, Lexa had told her that it was something she had to do. A compromise she had to make, Clarke knew why she did it. Anya. For as long as Clarke had known Lexa, Anya had taken care of her, their parents were always working or away on business trips. Lexa believed that she owed this to her sister.

Snapping herself out of her thoughts Clarke got off her bed and went through to the living room of the apartment.

“We made breakfast.” Octavia said from her seat next to Lincoln on the sofa.

“We?” Clarke asked.

“Lincoln made breakfast.” Octavia replied, “I made coffee.”

The blonde laughed a little, the last time Octavia had made breakfast it had been a bit of a disaster.

“I’m not really hungry,” Clarke said, “but I could go for some coffee.”

As she walked into the kitchen area she knew she was being followed, after pouring herself a coffee she turned to find Lincoln standing near the island.

“Raven mentioned that Lexa text you last night.” He said.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied with a nod, “she was wondering why I haven’t changed my phone number.”

“That’s a bit random.” Lincoln said with a small smile.

“That’s Lexa.” Clarke said with a shrug.

“Raven also said that she calls you sometimes…” Lincoln said, “I know that’s got to be hard for you.”

“Honestly, I think it’s part of the reason I haven’t changed my number,” the blonde replied, “that little voice in the back of my head that tells me that, maybe, one day, she’ll need me and…”

“She still loves you, you know.” He said, “there hasn’t been anyone else.”

“You really expect me to believe that she hasn’t been with anyone else in three years?” Clarke asked.

“She had a one night stand about 12 months ago.” He said, “but other than that, there hasn’t been anyone. She’s my best friend, she tells me that shit even if I don’t want to hear it.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was thankful that the interviews they were doing that day were all taking place outside, she knew that if she was sitting inside she’d constantly be fighting the urge to sleep. It also meant that she could keep her sunglasses on. She had been pretty quiet throughout the first interview, Anya, Echo and Ontari all answering the questions, with Lexa adding something here and there.

“Okay, onto the fun questions,” the interviewer said, “we asked your fans on twitter to tweet us questions for you, and we picked out the best five. So, Lexa, this one is for you. If you could go back 5 years and give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?”

“That’s a good question,” Lexa replied, “there are more than a few things I could probably tell my younger self…”

Lexa could see Anya looking at her, obviously curious about what the answer was going to be.

“Most of it would be serious stuff, like, you know, fight for what you really want,” Lexa said, “but I think that one piece of advice that would’ve really come in handy five years ago would be, don’t let Raven do the cliff jump, spring break junior year of college, it didn’t end well.”

“It was pretty bad.” Anya said with a laugh.

“Next question,” the interviewer said, “this one is for all of you, if you could have all the money you would ever need or love, which would you choose?”

“Love.” They all said at the same time.

“Well that was pretty easy.” The interviewer said with a laugh.

“It is a pretty simple question though,” Lexa said, “sure money makes this easier, it makes life easier, but it doesn’t really mean anything. You wake up every day alone, you don’t have that person to share things with, it makes everything else… pointless, really.”

“Sounds like you’re talking from experience.” The interviewer said.

“You could say that.” Lexa replied.

“I thought that these were supposed to be fun questions.” Ontari said.

“Right.” The interviewer said, “okay, cats or dogs?”

“Both.” Lexa said, with a small smile, “can’t discriminate.”

“I have to say dogs,” Anya said, “growing up we had a cat, and I don’t know who was more stubborn, the cat or Lexa.”

“The cat.” Lexa said with a small laugh, “he was an asshole… sorry.”

Both Echo and Ontari agreed with Anya, saying dogs.

“If you had to choose between going deaf or blind, which would you choose?” the interviewer asked.

“We have some deeply philosophical fans,” Lexa said with a laugh, “gimmie a minute to think about that one.”

“I’d say blind.” Anya said, “I can’t imagine never hearing music again.”

Both Echo and Ontari nodded.

“That would suck.” Echo said.

“I think I’d have to say deaf.” Lexa said, after thinking about it.

“Seriously?” Ontari asked, causing Lexa to nod, “why?”

“Well it’s not an easy thing, I mean, don’t get me wrong, music speaks to you in ways that simple words can’t,” Lexa replied, “but for me, personally… there are things that speak to me more. Sunrises, sunsets. Art…”

“You’re an art buff?” the interviewer asked.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “but it’s a special thing to see something that someone else has created, something that they’ve spent hours pouring everything into. It’s like seeing a part of that person, a reflection of them on that canvas…”

“Do you have a favourite artist?” the interviewer asked.

“I do,” Lexa said with a nod, “an artist from my hometown, actually. Her name is Clarke Griffin, and she’s amazing…”

Anya could see Lexa take a deep breath, and clench her jaw a little. She softly put her hand on Lexa’s arm.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “are we done?”

“Yeah.” The interviewer said with a nod, “we’re done. Thank you.”

Lexa nodded a little before getting up and walking inside and into the bathroom.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Watch your orders go through the roof.” Raven said as she sat and watched the interview online, with Clarke, Octavia and Lincoln.

When Clarke didn’t reply Raven looked at her.

“You okay?” Raven asked.

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a nod, though she really didn’t feel okay, “it just… hurts.”

“Getting a recommendation for your art from one of the biggest singers around right now, hurts?” Raven asked.

“No, not that,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “knowing that Lexa isn’t happy, that hurts.”

Everyone’s phone’s beeped. They each picked them up and looked at the twitter notification. Lexa had tweeted.

 **@LexaWoods:** Sorry about that last interview guys, guess I’m just feeling a little homesick right now.

“Homesick,” Raven said, “she hasn’t been back here in like 3 years. Why would she be feeling like that now.”

Their phones all beeped again.

 **@LexaWoods:** Maybe home isn’t a place, maybe it’s a person.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Titus isn’t going to like that you know.” Anya said, looking from her phone to her sister.

“Don’t care.” Lexa said, “it’s something that I should’ve said a long time ago.”

Ontari laughed a little, causing both Anya and Lexa to look at her.

“Sorry,” she said, “someone just tweeted me and asked if someone had spiked your drink or something, you’re getting all deep and meaningful.”

 **@OntariQ:** No, **@LexaWoods** hasn’t been spiked, that’s how she really is, you just don’t get to see that side #bigsoftie

 **@LexaWoods: @OntariQ** and yet I could still kick your ass #notthatsoft

Lexa looked through her many notifications as both Ontari and Anya argued about who win in a fight. She saw a tweet that made her smile.

 **@Grounders#1Fan:** Hey **@LexaWoods** did you cliff jump too?

She didn’t normally reply to fans’ tweets, but with this one she felt she had to.

 **@LexaWoods:** No **@Grounders#1Fan** that was all the awesome **@WaitingForNASA** #totalbadass

Everyone looked really surprised as Lexa actually laughed at the next tweet she got.

 **@WaitingForNASA:** You know you’ve made it when **@LexaWoods** calls you a total badass

 **@LexaWoods:** Well **@WaitingForNASA** completely insane doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

“Our fans are wondering if your account was hacked,” Anya said, looking at Lexa, “something about you never tweeting this much.”

 **@ClarkeGriffinArt:** There is actually photographic proof that **@LexaWoods** did in fact cliff jump #JustSayin

“Er, Lex,” Anya said, “Clarke just tweeted you.”

“I see that.” Lexa replied, a small smile on her lips as she read the tweet.

 **@LexaWoods: @ClarkeGriffinArt** you always said you never kept that picture.

 **@ClarkeGriffinArt: @LexaWoods** Lincoln has the video.

Gustus walked out to where the girls were sitting.

“Ready for the next interview?” he asked.

 

x-x-x-x

 

After the concert that night finished, Lexa, Anya, Echo and Ontari were all sitting in the dressing room when Titus stormed in the room.

“What’s got up your ass?” Ontari asked as she finished her bottle of beer and reached over to the table and picked up another one.

“This.” Titus said, handing Lexa a tablet.

It had a gossip website open on it, her eyes scanned over the headline.

**_Have we finally found the answer to one of the best kept secrets within Grounders, who was Lexa Woods college girlfriend?_ **

_Earlier this afternoon, Lexa and the band were doing an interview while on tour. During the interview Lexa mentioned an artist from her hometown, Clarke Griffin. The two then exchanged a few tweets when the singer unexpectedly took to twitter after the interview. Fans of the singer speculated about the history between the two, with someone from Polis college tweeting a picture of a piece of art that had been part of Miss Griffins junior year art project. The picture in question shows Lexa Woods, lead singer of the extremely successful all female band, Grounders, sitting in front of a large bay window, reading a book as the sun sets in the distance. The piece was titled Home. Unfortunately, we cannot use the image as it is under copyright and Miss Griffin has been unreachable for comment._

“Shit…” Lexa said with a sigh, “can you make this go away?”

“No,” Titus said, shaking his head, “with what you said during the interview, the tweets, it’s impossible for me to make this go away. This is exactly why I said to keep personal questions to a minimum.”

Lexa handed the tablet to Anya so she could read the short article.

“We could actually use this.” Titus said, “if you invite…”

“No.” Lexa said, shaking her head, “no.”

“Think about this, Lexa.” He said.

“I haven’t seen her in three years, Titus, I am not going to invite her to the concerts so you can use it to increase publicity,” Lexa said, “I won’t.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke calls Lexa, Grounders make an announcement, and yes, Titus is still a tool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I should update this one, as I've had a few ideas running around my head. Please comment and let me know what you think, and don't worry, Titus will get what's coming to him eventually.

 

Clarke was busying herself in her studio, trying to take her mind of the dreams she’d had the previous night, dreams of a future she knew she couldn’t have, a future with Lexa. It had been a while since she’d had dreams like that, and she honestly thought she was passed it.  She wasn’t sure if she ever truly believed in that one true love, that one love that you put above all others in your life, but she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, if she did believe in it, then Lexa was that for her. Obviously, in the three years since the end of their relationship, she had tried to move on, tried to date other people, but it never worked out. She knew Octavia was right, no relationship would ever work out if she was constantly comparing the people she was with to Lexa, but she couldn’t help it. Though her mind wanted her to let go, begged her to let go, of Lexa, her heart wasn’t listening.

Lincoln had once told her, one night while they were all sitting around getting drunk, that though she had lost love, Lexa had sacrificed it. Clarke hadn’t really understood the difference at the time, now she did. Loss is a choice made for you, sacrifice is a choice you make for yourself. She knew that Lexa had given up a lot when their relationship came to an end, she had walked away from not only Clarke, but also their friends. At the time, obviously she didn’t know that, she hadn’t known that Lexa had chosen to turn her back on everything. When she first found out, she had been so angry, but after a while she finally got it. She had done it for her. Lexa had turned her back on everything she knew and cared about for Clarke.

While she was painting, her phone rang. It had been beeping all morning with text messages from Raven and Octavia, and her social media notifications had been irritating her so much that she had just turned them off. She looked at the caller ID and saw that it was her mother.

“Hey mom.” She said, answering the phone and putting her paint brush down, knowing that she wasn’t going to get anything else done while her mother was on the phone.

“Hey honey, is everything okay?” Abby asked.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied, “why wouldn’t it be?”

“I’ve been getting phone calls all morning from newspapers, journalists, people who run online gossip sites,” Abby said, “all wanting to know about you and Lexa. I thought that your relationship with her was over.”

“It is,” Clarke said with a sigh, “we exchanged a couple of tweets yesterday, a few texts the day before that. Why were they calling you, mom?”

“I was hoping you could tell me, honey.” Abby replied, “I didn’t tell them anything though, so you don’t need to worry about that. You really have no idea what is going on?”

“No, no idea at all.” Clarke said, “but I’m going to find out. Mom, I’ll call you back later, okay? And if anyone else calls you, please don’t tell them anything.”

“Of course not.” Abby said, “though your relationship is over, I still know how much she means to you, honey.”

“Thanks mom.” Clarke said, “love you.”

“Love you too.” Abby replied before Clarke hung up the phone.

Clarke walked through to the living room to find Raven and Octavia both sitting on the sofa.

“What’s with the sad face, princess?” Raven asked, “still not feeling the painting?”

“My mom has been getting phone calls about my relationship with Lexa.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed a little, “she just called me to see what’s going on.”

“And what did you tell her?” Raven asked.

“What could I tell her?” Clarke asked in reply, “I have no idea why people are suddenly interested in that.”

“I could call Anya.” Raven said, “she might know.”

Clarke shook her head; she knew what she needed to do. She brought up her contacts list on her phone and called the one person she knew who would be able to clear the whole thing up for her.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa’s phone ringing dragged her from her sleep, she knew that not many other people would actually call it sleep, more like a drug induced state of unconsciousness, as Gustus had called it once or twice. She didn’t bother looking at the caller ID when she answered.

“This had better be good.” she grumbled.

“H-hi, it’s Clarke.” Came the reply.

“Hi…” Lexa said, sitting up in bed, suddenly very awake.

“Did I wake you?” Clarke asked.

“No, no… well, yeah, but it’s fine,” Lexa replied, “are you okay?”

“Not really,” Clarke said with a sigh, “my mom has been getting calls from the press all morning about us… about our relationship.”

“Shit…” Lexa said, dropping her head back down onto her pillow.

“What’s going on, Lexa?” Clarke asked.

“I take it you haven’t been on social media much since yesterday?” Lexa asked in reply.

“No,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “apparently tweeting you has made my mentions and everything go through the roof, I turned my notifications off cause they were driving me insane.”

“Sorry about that.” Lexa said with a small laugh, “there’s er… there’s a little more to it than that though. Some online gossip site ran an article about you, about us. I’ve never been secretive about who I am, my sexuality, but I have tried my damned hardest to keep your name away from anything.”

“So they know?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied, “yeah, they know. Someone from Polis tweeted a picture of that piece you did for your final year project, the one with the window, and…”

“Can you make this go away?” the blonde asked, “I don’t want to be known as that girl who used to date the lead singer of Grounders… I…”

“I wish I could, Clarke, I really do,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “but it’s out there now and there’s nothing anyone can really do about it. I mean, I can issue a statement, denying it, but… I’m not sure I can deny something that was the happiest time of my life.”

A few moments passed with neither girl saying anything, Lexa actually checked her phone to see if the call was still connected.

“You still there?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied, the emotions she was feeling were now so clear and raw in her voice, “yeah, I’m still here.”

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa said.

“I guess ignoring it won’t make it go away either?” the blonde asked.

“When has ignoring something ever made it go away?” Lexa asked, causing Clarke to laugh a little, “I’ll deal with it, you don’t have to say anything about it to anyone. This is on me, I’ll deal with it, okay?”

“Okay…” Clarke replied, “I… Lexa, I… I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Lexa said, taking a deep breath and blinking rapidly to stop the tears that were now in her eyes, “I have to go, er… I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s okay,” Clarke said, “it’s fine, I bet you’re really busy.”

“Yeah, life on the road sucks.” Lexa said with a small laugh.

“Bye, Lexa.” Clarke said.

“Clarke…” Lexa said, before Clarke could hang up.

“Yeah?” Clarke replied.

“I’m never too busy for you.” Lexa said with a sigh, before she hung up the phone.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa had been really quiet since she had joined the others downstairs in the hotel, Anya could see her clenching her fists every now and again as they played a card game in the bar, she’d also seen the slight tremors in Lexa’s hands.

“You okay?” she asked quietly, leaning closer to her sister.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “it’s been a weird day.”

“In what way?” Anya asked in reply.

“Clarke called me…” Lexa said.

“Seriously?” Anya said, the surprise quite evident in her voice.

“I was a little surprised too,” Lexa replied with a small laugh, “Abby had been getting calls from the press about me and Clarke, obviously Clarke had no idea why, so she called me.”

“That’s a pretty big step, I mean you two haven’t really talked in, what? Three years?” Anya said.

“Not exactly…” Lexa said with a sigh, tossing her cards on the table as she again lost the game, “we haven’t had a real conversation in that long, but, I’ve called her a few times…”

“A few times?” Anya asked, looking at Lexa.

“A few times a month.” Lexa said, leaning back in her chair, “don’t look at me like that…”

“Why didn’t Raven tell me?” the older Woods sister asked.

“She probably didn’t know,” Lexa replied with a shrug, “it was a stupid thing for me to do, but…”

“So why do it?” Anya said.

“I don’t know,” Lexa said, running her hand through her hair as she sighed, “I don’t think I’ve done it when I haven’t been high, but… I just, I guess I just needed to hear her voice, you know. I needed to know that she’s still there.”

“Does she know about the drugs?” Anya asked.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “she doesn’t, and I want to keep it that way. She doesn’t need to know how much of a fuck up I am.”

“You’re not a fuck up, kid.” Anya said with a soft smile.

“Of course not,” Lexa said, “cause everyone needs to shoot drugs into their fucking arms just to make it through the day.”

Anya wasn’t sure what to say to that, Echo and Ontari were both now paying attention to the conversation as well.

“This is something that you all wanted,” Lexa said, looking around the table, “this is the life you wanted, to be out on the road, writing music, performing to massive crowds every day. This isn’t what I wanted, this couldn’t be further from what I wanted my life to be.”

“Lex…” Anya said.

“When we got offered that contract I wanted to run,” Lexa continued, “but I couldn’t, because I saw how happy you all were. Every night when we get off stage I see that same look, and see how much you all love it, and I feel empty. I don’t feel anything. I feel numb and alone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life than I do when I’m on a stage in front of thousands of people.”

Lexa shook her head and stood up from the table, walking out of the bar, Gustus following not far behind.

“Wow…” Ontari said, with a sigh, leaning back in her chair, “I figured she wasn’t happy, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“We all knew she wasn’t really happy.” Echo said, “I think we just chose to ignore it, because we didn’t want to see it.”

“Can we do this without her?” Ontari asked, “can we keep this up, the band, without Lexa?”

“Grounders without Lexa, isn’t Grounders.” Anya said with a sigh, “we were trying for years to get noticed, we wouldn’t have been signed without her.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was sitting out in the courtyard at the hotel, she knew Gustus was nearby, she also knew that he was keeping his distance because that’s what she needed. While she was lost in her own head she felt someone patting her on the knee. She looked up to see a young girl, no older than 8 years old, looking at her with a beaming smile on her face.

“Hi.” Lexa said, with a small smile of her own.

“You’re Lexa, right?” the young girl asked.

“I am,” Lexa said with a nod, “what’s your name?”

“Tris.” The girl replied.

“That’s a nice name.” Lexa said.

“My daddy is taking me to your concert tonight.” Tris said, “I’ve been waiting for ever. Every time he said I wasn’t old enough, but now I’m allowed to go.”

“It’s our last show in the city tonight, you picked a good night.” Lexa said, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“I wanna be just like you when I grow up,” Tris said, “I wanna be in a band. My daddy said that it’s probably not always fun though.”

“Your daddy sounds like a smart man.” Lexa replied.

“What’s not fun about it?” Tris asked, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Lexa.

“Well,” Lexa said with a sigh, “it’s a lot of hard work. It’s hours of practicing. You’re on the road a lot. Away from your friends, your family. And sometimes when you’re really tired, and you just want to go to sleep, you can’t. There’s always another interview you’ve got to do, there’s always more questions to answer. It’s like everybody wants this little part of you, which is fine at first, but sometimes it feels like there’s nothing left to give.”

“That doesn’t sound fun.” Tris said, shaking her head.

“It’s not.” Lexa replied with a tight-lipped smile.

“When did you last go home?” the young girl asked.

“It’s been about three years.” Lexa said.

“Wow,” Tris replied, her eyes a little wider, “don’t you miss your mommy and daddy?”

“Sometimes.” Lexa said with a small nod, “but my parents weren’t always around when I was kid, so this isn’t much different. There are other people I miss though, my friends, you know sometimes when you have really good friends they become more like family, I miss them.”

“Sounds like you need to go home.” Tris said, “sounds like you need your family.”

“You’re a smart kid.” Lexa said.

“There you are.” A man said, walking over to where Tris and Lexa were sitting, making Gustus take a step closer to them, Lexa raised her hand a little telling him it was okay. The man looked at Lexa, “I am so sorry that she was bothering you.”

“She wasn’t bothering me.” Lexa said, “we were just talking about the hard side of being in a band.”

“I think I want to do something else when I’m bigger.” Tris said, looking up at her dad.

“Do what makes you happy, Tris,” Lexa said to the young girl, “do that thing where every day, when you wake up, you’re excited.”

“Thank you.” The man said, looking at Lexa.

“It’s really not a problem, she’s a smart kid.” Lexa said, “she tells me that you two are coming to the concert later.”

“She’s been bugging her mom and me to bring her to one of your concerts for the last three years,” he said, “we figured she was old enough now.”

“How would you like to come and hang out before the show?” Lexa said looking at Tris.

“Seriously?” the young girl asked, her face lighting up.

“Seriously.” Lexa said with a nod.

“Can we dad?” Tris asked, looking up at her dad.

“If Lexa’s sure it won’t be any trouble.” The man said.

“I’m sure,” Lexa replied with a smile and a nod, “when you get to the venue, go to the side where the bus will be, Gustus will be there…”

Lexa pointed over to the big man.

“He’ll bring you inside.” She said.

“What time should we be there?” the man asked.

“We get there at around 5, so any time after 5:30 would be fine.” Lexa replied.

“Great,” the man said, “thank you. Come on Tris, you can see Lexa later.”

“See you later, Tris.” Lexa said, smiling as the small girl waved at her as she walked away with her dad.

“Bye Lexa.” Tris said.

Gustus walked over to where Lexa was sitting.

“That was a very nice thing you just did.” He said as he sat down, “but you do realise that means you can’t…”

“I know,” Lexa said with a nod, “it’ll be okay. You know that cabin I booked for the week after our home concerts?”

“Yeah.” Gustus replied.

“Cancel it.” Lexa said, “I’m going to stay with my mom.”

Lexa took her phone out of her pocket and called her mom.

“Hello.” Came the reply.

“Hey mom, it’s Lexa…” Lexa said.

“Lexa, this is a surprise.” Indra said, “I usually only get to hear about what you’re up to through your sister.”

“I know, I’m sorry mom,” Lexa replied, “I promise to do better. The reason I’m calling, er… you know the band are back in the city soon, well we have a week off after that. Anya is Lincoln’s birthday, Echo is spending time with her boyfriend, I’m not sure what Ontari is doing, but… mom, can I come home?”

“Of course, baby, you’re welcome here anytime, you know that.” Indra said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So,” Octavia said, dropping herself down on the sofa next to Lincoln, “what did Anya say?”

Both Raven and Clarke looked at him.

“Lexa’s coming home.” He said, “the week after their gigs here, she’s staying with her mom.”

“Did Anya said why?” Clarke asked, causing everyone to look at her, “every other time that Anya has come back it seems like Lexa can’t get far enough away.”

“She’s going through some stuff,” Lincoln replied, “she didn’t say what, but from the sounds of it, it’s pretty heavy…”

“Are you going to invite her to the party?” Raven asked.

“I don’t know.” Lincoln said, his eyes fixed on a point on the floor.

“Invite her to your party, Lincoln.” Clarke said, causing three heads to snap around and look at her, “don’t look at me like that…”

“You’re still going to come to the party, right?” Lincoln asked.

“I’ll be there.” Clarke replied with a nod, “invite her.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

After the gig, Lexa was sitting on the bed in her hotel room when Anya walked in.

“So,” Anya said, as she walked into the room, “Lincoln tells me he’s invited you to his birthday.”

“Y-yeah…” Lexa said, with a nod, pulling the blanket she had wrapped around herself a little tighter.

“Lexa…” Anya said, rushing over to the bed.

“I’m cold.” Lexa replied.

“I’m going to go and Gustus, okay.” Anya said, standing up.

“Anya,” Lexa said, stopping Anya before she could get to the door, “don’t… don’t leave me.”

“Oh honey…” Anya said, walking back over to the bed, sitting down and pulling Lexa to her.

While Anya was holding a shivering Lexa to her, she pulled her phone out and text Gustus, it didn’t take the big man long before he reached the room.

“Do we need to get you to a doctor?” Gustus asked, as he looked at Lexa.

“No,” Lexa replied, shaking her head, “I’m okay.”

“Can I talk to you?” Gustus asked Anya.

“Sure.” Anya said with a nod, before she kissed Lexa softly on the head, “we’ll just be over there, okay, kid?”

Lexa nodded a little, laying down and pulling her legs to her chest as Anya and Gustus walked from the bed.

“She’s going through withdrawal.” Gustus said, glancing over at Lexa.

“I thought she had enough for while we were here.” Anya said as she and Gustus walked over to the table.

“I flushed it…” Lexa said, from where she was lying on the bed.

“When?” Anya asked, turning to look at Lexa.

“This morning,” Lexa replied, “after I…”

“After you talked to Clarke.” Anya said, causing Lexa to nod.

“Are you serious about this?” Gustus asked, walking over to the bed and sitting down near Lexa.

“I was…” Lexa replied, “now I’m not so sure…”

“How bad is it going to get?” Anya asked as she looked at Gustus.

“Going cold turkey could kill her,” he replied honestly, “getting clean isn’t going to be possible while we’re still on the road, she isn’t going to be able to function, at all.”

“Me and the girls were talking, after the card game earlier,” Anya said, “we’re going to call the record company, cancel the rest of the dates for after the break.”

“You can’t do that.” Lexa said.

“I’ll be back soon.” Gustus said, standing up and leaving the room.

“Lexa, this is destroying you,” Anya said, sitting next to her sister, “we can’t see you do this to yourself, we won’t.”

“Cancelling the dates will put you in breach of contract,” Lexa said, pushing herself so she was sitting up, “they could sue, drop us…”

“We’ve been on the road for over three years, Lex,” Anya said, “we all need a break.”

“I…” Lexa started to say.

“We all need a break, kid,” Anya said, interrupting her, “and it’ll give you time to get clean the right way.”

Lexa nodded a little, sighing, knowing that she wasn’t going to win the argument.

“And…” Anya said, standing up, “it’ll give us time to find a new lead singer. We can’t put you through this anymore, Lexa.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Gustus pulled the blankets over, a now out of it, Lexa. He’d had to lie to Titus, told him that the drugs had been thrown out by accident when someone had tidied the room earlier that day. Lexa’s phone beeped from where it was sitting, charging up on the nightstand. He looked at the message.

 **Clarke:** I guess I’ll be seeing you soon

Gustus smiled to himself a little as he turned to leave the room.

“Gus…” Lexa said.

He stopped and turned around, looking at the girl.

“Yes.” He said, knowing he’d have to say something, as Lexa’s eyes were still closed.

“I’m sorry…” she said.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” He said, “get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Anya had called the record company when she got back to her own room that night, knowing that it was something that needed to be done as soon as possible. They told her that if the whole band was in agreement, then they had no problem with them taking a couple of months off. She didn’t mention to them that they would be looking for a new lead singer, she figured that could all be discussed later. Every time she had dealt directly with the record company she had never had any problems. The person she had talked to about the time off actually asked her why they hadn’t requested it before.

They had asked for time off before, but they’d always done it through Titus. It didn’t take much for Anya to realise that the record company had never been approached about the band taking a holiday, Titus had never asked them. They came to an agreement that Anya and the band would hold a press conference before they left the hotel to travel to the next destination, the record company had said that Titus would handle it, but Anya felt that the band should do it. On their terms.

The following morning, the band, including Lexa, were standing in a small side room waiting to face the press. Titus was not happy, not by a long shot.

“Do you not understand what is going to happen,” he said, pacing back and forth, “if you so much as drop off the radar, you will lose momentum, it will be…”

“Titus,” Lexa said, putting her aviators on, “shut up.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked, rubbing her eyes as she made her way over to the sofa.

Raven and Octavia had woken her up and told her that she needed to come into the living room, they hadn’t told her why.

“Grounders are holding a press conference.” Raven said as Clarke squeezed in between her and Octavia.

“Announcing a new album, maybe?” Clarke asked.

“They already did that,” Raven said, “releasing it next year.”

“More tour dates?” Octavia asked, “overseas or something.”

“Why don’t we just wait and find out.” Raven said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa, Anya, Echo and Ontari walked out of the small room, into the room full of photographers and journalists. Anya was surprised by how many were there, as the record company hadn’t had that long to plan it. Titus followed them out of the room, but made no move to be involved in the announcement. Anya, Echo and Ontari all looked at Lexa, she’d asked to be the one to make the announcement, and the others had no problem with it.

“You got this, superstar.” Ontari said, squeezing Lexa’s hand lightly.

Lexa nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips as she stepped closer to the microphone that was on the small stand in front of the amassed media.

“You’re all probably wondering why we called this press conference,” Lexa said, glancing around the room at the press as she did, thankful she was wearing her glasses because there were flashes going off everywhere, “I want to start by saying, on behalf of the four of us, we’re glad so many of you could be here…”

A few journalists all started shouting questions, Lexa couldn’t really make out what they said.

“We’re going to make a statement,” Lexa said, “we’ll take a few questions afterwards. It’s been a little over three and a half years since we signed our record contract and released our first album. In that time, we’ve been travelling pretty much none stop. From one end of the country to another, and back again. Overseas to Europe, Asia. It’s been one hell of a ride.”

More flashes went off around the room as well as a few mutterings.

“While none of us really expected this little band of ours to grow into… the global brand that it has,” Lexa continued, “it has been difficult at times, for some of us more than others. We’ve decided, as a group, that we need to take a couple of months off. To take a step back and breathe. So, this is us letting you know that after the concerts we have planned in Polis, we’ll be taking a couple of months off the road. We are very sorry to our fans who have bought tickets to any of the concerts after that…”

Lexa felt Anya take her hand and give it a soft encouraging squeeze.

“All money will of course be refunded,” Lexa said, “and we hope that our fans understand why we’re doing this. We have been blessed with some of the best fans in the world, you’re all super supportive and we couldn’t have done this without you. But now is the time to, like I said, take a step back. There’s only so long that you can burn the candle at both ends before the candle burns out. We’ve all put so much of ourselves into this band, and it means so much to each of us, but we’ve also given up a lot to do this. Family relationships have been strained due to distance. There are bridges that each of us has burned, intentionally and unintentionally, and we need to take some time to rebuild those. We hope you all understand. Thank you.”

“We’ll now take a few questions.” Anya said, leaning over Lexa’s shoulder.

“Lexa,” one of the journalists shouted, “does this have anything to do with the reports of your relationship with Polis artist Clarke Griffin?”

“No.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little.

“Would you tell us even if it did?” he asked.

“No.” Lexa said, a small smirk pulling at her lips as the rest of the media in the room laughed, “next question.”

“There are rumors in the press this morning about drug use within the band, can you comment on that?” someone else asked.

Lexa looked across to the side of the room where Titus was standing, an unreadable look on his face.

“Drugs are bad, kids, stay in school.” Ontari said, “next question.”

“Do you still plan to release your fourth album next year?” was the next question.

“That’s the plan,” Lexa said, “this isn’t a ‘we’re splitting up’ announcement, just that we’re taking a short break. I couldn’t get rid of these three even if I wanted to.”

“No need to sound so upset about that, Lex.” Ontari said with a smirk.

“Oh shut up.” Lexa said with a laugh, “any more questions?”

“What are you going to do with your time off?” someone asked.

“Sleep…” Ontari said.

“I think I’m going to take a long holiday with my boyfriend.” Echo said, “and sleep.”

“A holiday sounds good, actually.” Anya said with a nod.

“I’m going to recover.” Lexa said, the only people knowing the meaning of those words were the girls with her and Gustus who was standing not too far away, a small proud smile on his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grounders arrive back in their hometown for the series of gigs, Lexa does another interview, everyone meets up for drinks in a bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested yesterday, here's an update for this one. I'm sorry it's taken me so long, anyone who follows me on Tumblr will know I've got some crap going on right now in my personal life which is totally bumming me out. Anyway, this is a lot less angsty than usual, please don't get used to it. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

In the days since the band had made the announcement Gustus had been keeping an even closer eye on Lexa, it seemed like a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders and it was refreshing to see. Titus was obviously not happy with the bands choice, and Gustus had heard him voicing his opinion about to it Lexa at various times.

In the time that past between the date of the announcement and the time when Grounders arrived back in their home city, Lexa had made a conscious decision to cut down her drug intake. She knew she could easily fool the media and people who didn’t know her, but she was soon going to be around people who knew her better than she knew herself, they’d know in an instant that something wasn’t as it appeared to be.

On the day they arrived in the city, two days before their first concert, Lexa had a solo interview to do, something that had been planned well in advance of the announcement. Anya had offered to go with her to the interview, but Lexa knew that she was supposed to be meeting up with Raven, Octavia, Lincoln and quite possibly Clarke as well, so she had told her that she’d be fine on her own. She’d also agreed to meet them all at a bar later that day, but Anya hadn’t been able to tell her if Clarke was going to be there as she honestly didn’t know.

The idea of seeing Clarke again had sent Lexa’s mind into overdrive, and she knew that if Gustus hadn’t been with her she would probably have blown off the interview and headed straight to the hotel and not left again until the night of their first concert. But she also knew that she couldn’t do that, she was going to see Clarke at some point, as they were both supposed to be going to Lincoln’s birthday party later in the week. Lexa figured it was probably the best idea to get it out of the way as soon as possible, she didn’t want the tension and awkwardness to ruin her best friend’s birthday.

“I’ve had requests for more interviews while you’re in the city.” Titus said to Lexa as she sat in the make-up chair.

“Me or the band?” Lexa asked, not looking at him.

“Without one there isn’t the other,” Titus replied, “you know that.”

“No, _you_ think that,” Lexa said with a sigh, “there are three other people in the band, Titus, I’m just one person.”

Before Titus could say anything, the door to the room opened and a woman looked inside.

“They’re ready for you now, Lexa.” She said with a smile.

“Thanks.” Lexa said with a small smile of her own, before she stood up and walked towards the door.

“What shall I do about those interviews?” Titus asked her before she walked from the room.

“Do I have a choice in doing them?” Lexa asked in reply, looking at him.

“It would be good publicity.” He said.

“The concerts are sold out, there are no more tickets that we need to sell,” Lexa replied, “thanks to the announcement about time off we don’t need any more publicity.”

Titus shook his head a little, letting out a frustrated sigh.

“Taking time off is a bad idea,” he said, putting his hand on the door, stopping Lexa from leaving the room, “it will kill all the momentum that you have.”

“We made our decision, Titus,” Lexa said, “the record company don’t seem to have a problem with it.”

“And how are you going to cope for months without your supply,” Titus replied, his voice lowered, “you’re an addict, Lexa, that isn’t going to change.”

“Do you want to move out of my way,” Lexa said, currently regretting her choice not to have Gustus stick around after they had arrived, “I have an interview to do.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So,” Raven said as she sat with Anya on the sofa, “what did you do to get out of this interview?”

“It’s a solo interview,” Anya replied with a shrug, “they didn’t want the rest of us.”

“Aww,” Octavia said, “you feeling left out?”

“Not at all,” Anya said with a laugh, shaking her head, “I hate interviews, especially live ones like this, saying that though, Lexa hates them more than I do.”

“Is that offer to join you guys at the bar later still on the table?” Clarke asked, walking into the living room from the kitchen.

“Sure is,” Anya said with a nod, “you know Lexa’s going to be there, right?”

“I know,” the blonde said with a nod, “well, I figured she would be, and that’s part of the reason I want to go. We’re going to see each other at some point, right, I mean she’s coming to Lincoln’s party. Makes more sense to meet up before that, stop everything being so… weird.”

They all turned their attention to the television as Lexa’s interview started.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Everyone was surprised by the announcement that Grounders would be taking a break,” the interviewer said as she sat in a chair across from Lexa, “especially after you were recently asked in an interview about the speculation about it, and you all said that it wasn’t something you were planning. What changed in the days between that interview and the press conference?”

“Honestly, I think it’s something we’d all be thinking about in some way, shape or form for a while,” Lexa replied, “Like I said during the press conference, we’ve been on the road for three, three and a half years, pretty much non-stop, apart from the odd weekend here and there. We haven’t had a good chunk of time to just step back and take stock, and I think we all need that.”

“So it has nothing to do with the speculation of splits between the band,” the woman asked, “the talk of arguments and rifts appearing?”

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “there are no rifts, no splits. Yes, we argue, we disagree, but you can’t have 4 girls in a confined space in a high pressure environment for long periods of time, and expect there not to be any arguments. We’re around each other constantly, and obviously tempers fray, but it’s mostly stupid little things that get us arguing. Anya and I have been around each other all our lives, she and Echo have been friends since the day they met in high school, and Ontari and I went to high school together as well, so we’re all really close. We do sometimes push each other’s buttons out of pure boredom but it’s never anything serious.”

“When you agreed to do this interview, everyone agreed it would be a very honest interview, so I may be about to ask a question that you don’t like…” the interviewer said.

“Go ahead.” Lexa said with a small laugh, shaking her head a little as she sat back in the chair a little.

“Clarke Griffin,” the woman said, causing Lexa to nod slowly, obviously knowing something about Clarke was going to come up at some point, “you went to a lot of trouble to keep her name out of the media over the last few years, never mentioning her by name when asked about your past relationship, and never giving out too many details about the relationship. In the last week you had no choice but to change that, how have you dealt with that, and has it done anything to change anything between the two of you?”

“Well,” Lexa replied, “it’s been a bit of a weird week. The media finally having her name has been a bit of a blessing and a curse. I can’t comment about what it’s been like for Clarke, but I’m guessing it’s been a very strange time for her. When I made the decision, a few years ago, to be totally open and honest about who I am I also made the decision to do my best to keep her out of it. So to have her name out there now, and to have people knowing about that… it did make me a little angry at first, because I did go to so much effort so that didn’t happen. Clarke is an amazing person, she’s a fantastic artist, and I guess I wanted people to know who she was because of what she creates, not because of what happened between us.”

“Have you talked to her about it?” the interviewer asked.

“Briefly,” Lexa said with a small nod, “the press couldn’t get hold of me for a comment, and they actually started calling Clarke’s mom, which was not cool by the way. Obviously her mom called her, she called me. Which in itself is the reason why it was a blessing and a curse. We haven’t talked in a while; it’s been about three years since we actually had anything that could be considered anywhere near an actual conversation. But, yeah, she called me. Asked me what was going on, so I explained as best I could. She told me she didn’t want to be known as that girl who used to date the lead singer of Grounders, so…”

“You’ve said in interviews before that you two were together from your sophomore year of high school,” the interviewer said, “and your relationship ended about 6 months or so after Grounders started touring and released the first album. Recently you were asked in an interview whether she had made you choose between the relationship and the band, and you made it pretty clear that she didn’t, so why did the relationship end?”

“Time and distance would be the simple answer,” Lexa said, “but I’m guessing I’m not going to get away with leaving that as the answer. Like I’ve said before, the band were on the road a lot, I couldn’t be there as much as I wanted to be. It was unfair on her. She was never anything but supportive about this whole thing, we both knew that keeping the relationship going was going to be a lot of hard work, with the distance and me being busy 24/7. Clarke… she deserves the world, and she deserves someone who can give her that, and as much as I really wanted to be that person for her, being away all the time meant that I couldn’t be. I honestly think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

“Maybe with the band being in the city, and you guys having a couple of months off,” the interviewer said, a small smile playing on her lips, “you two could, reconnect?”

“I don’t know,” Lexa said with a small laugh, “I’m a different person to who I was then, and I’m pretty sure Clarke probably is too. Maybe she’s moved on and found that person who can give her what she deserves, I don’t know. I know we’re going to be at the same birthday party towards the end of the week, so I know the chances of us seeing each other are extremely high, but, yeah, I don’t know. If there’s one thing I can take from the two of us seeing each other again I… I wouldn’t mind getting my best friend back.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Later that day Lexa was getting ready in the hotel room to go out to the bar to meet up with Anya and the others, she normally wouldn’t worry too much about what she was going to wear but Anya had text her and told her that Clarke would be there. She had text her sister back telling her that she wasn’t going, and Anya had replied with ‘yes you are, Lincoln will be there to pick you up at 7’. While she was fixing her hair there was a knock at the door.

“Gustus,” she called from the bathroom, “can you get that please?”

“When did doorman get added to my job description?” Gustus asked, poking his head into the bathroom on his way to the door, knowing that Lexa was just doing her hair.

“Right around the time you signed the contract,” Lexa said with a small smirk, “pretty sure it was in the small print.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Gustus said with a nod, “I remember now ‘Miss Woods is much too lazy to answer the door herself, you must be prepared to take up that duty’.”

“Just answer the damn door already.” Lexa said with a laugh and a shake of her head.

She could hear Gustus laughing as he walked to the door. He answered the door to find Lincoln standing there, though they had never met Gustus knew who he was because he’d seen pictures of the other man with Lexa and their friends, and Lexa had told her about him many times. Still, he decided he was going to have a little fun with him.

“Can I help you?” Gustus said, folding his arms across his barrel of a chest.

“Is Lexa here?” Lincoln asked, taking note of the mans muscles.

Lincoln wasn’t a small guy, but even Gustus’s muscles put him to shame.

“That depends,” Gustus said, tilting his head to one side ever so slightly, “who’s asking.”

“Lincoln,” Lincoln replied, holding his hand out, “she’s expecting me.”

“He knows who you are, Linc,” Lexa said, walking up behind the big man, “he’s just being an asshole, come in.”

A smile broke across Gustus’s lips as he stepped aside, letting Lincoln into the room as Lexa shook her head and rolled her eyes at him, before Lincoln pulled her into a hug, which surprised her a little, though she knew it shouldn’t.

“I missed you.” Lincoln said quietly.

“I missed you too.” Lexa replied, swallowing hard as she returned the hug.

When Lincoln backed out of the hug he turned and looked at Gustus.

“Are you coming with us?” he asked.

“No,” Gustus said, shaking his head, “Lexa thinks my presence would attract more attention than she wants it to, even though I’m not too happy about the idea, I’ll be staying here.”

“He’s the only person I know who complains about being given the night off.” Lexa said with a sigh, shaking her head a little, “I’m just going to get my jacket, then we can leave.”

As Lexa walked deeper into the room to get her jacket, Gustus stepped a little closer to Lincoln.

“I’m trusting you with her safety,” he said, “as far as I know nobody knows which bar you’re going to, but if they have found out…”

“Nothing will happen to her,” Lincoln said with a small nod, “I’ll make sure of it.”

Gustus got a card out of his pocket and handed it to Lincoln.

“My number,” he said, “Anya and Lexa already have it, but if something happens, call.”

Lincoln nodded again, putting the number into his phone as Lexa walked back over to them.

“Ready?” he asked with a smile as he looked at Lexa.

“Nope,” Lexa replied honestly, “but let’s get it over with.”

“Send me a text or give me a call if you’re not planning on coming back tonight.” Gustus said as Lexa opened the door.

“Will do,” Lexa said with a small smile, “try and actually chill out, yeah?”

“With you out at a bar on your own without supervision? Not likely.” Gustus said, “Get out of here.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So, are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Lexa asked as Lincoln drove them to the bar.

“The Dropship.” Lincoln replied, “we figured you were going to be uncomfortable as it is, so it was a group decision to go somewhere you already knew.”

“Ryder still running the place?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah,” Lincoln said with a nod, “and he’s giving us use of one of the private VIP booths upstairs so it should be pretty quiet.”

“The Dropship is never quiet, Linc.” Lexa said with a laugh, “who is going to be there? I mean, I know Anya, Raven, Octavia and Clarke are going to be there, who else?”

“Bellamy is coming in after work,” Lincoln replied, turning the corner onto the street where the bar was, “Anya mentioned something about Echo and her boyfriend thinking about joining us…”

“Not likely, they haven’t seen each other in months,” Lexa said, “they’re not going to be leaving the bedroom for another 2 days, trust me.”

“Yeah, that’s what Raven said,” Lincoln said with a laugh, “Monty and Jasper will be there, I think that’s it. We didn’t want to hit you with too much all at once, and considering Clarke is going to be there we figured we’d keep the numbers down.”

“She does know I’m going to be there, right?” the brunette asked as Lincoln parked the car across the street from the bar.

“Yeah, she knows.” He said with a nod, “ready?”

Lexa nodded a little, though the butterflies that had been in her stomach earlier seemed to have transformed into a herd of elephants in the short amount of time it took to get from the hotel to the bar.

“Nervous?” Lincoln asked looking at over at her as she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Terrified.” She replied, glancing over the street to the bar, “I haven’t seen her in three years, Linc, I…”

“She hasn’t changed all that much,” he said with a soft smile, “she’s still the girl you fell in love with.”

“That’s part of what’s terrifying me,” Lexa said with a nervous laugh, “still being in love with her and not having to see her is hard enough…”

“Come on,” Lincoln said, “the sooner we get in there the less you’ll be thinking about it.”

Lexa looked over at the bar again as Lincoln got out of the car, she gave herself a quick mental pep-talk before getting out of the car and closing the door. Lincoln walked over to her and offered his arm, which she took gratefully.

As soon as they walked into the building, Lincoln walked them over to the bar, using his larger frame to clear a path for Lexa who had gripped a little more tightly onto his arm as they had walked in. Ryder was standing there laughing at something that one of the other patrons had said, a small smirk tugging at his lips as he saw Lexa.

“Well, well, well,” he said, moving over to where Lexa and Lincoln were standing, “look who it is.”

“Hey.” Lexa said with a smile.

“It’s been a while, Woods,” Ryder replied, amusement clear in his voice, “after you promised not to forget about me when you got all rich and famous, I’m disappointed.”

“I didn’t forget about you,” Lexa said with a smirk, “I just didn’t visit, which you never asked me to.”

“Touché.” He said with a laugh, “what can I get you?”

“Beer,” she said, glancing at the steps which lead to the upstairs area, her head reminding her that Clarke would probably be up there, “and a double whiskey, neat, please.”

“Sure thing,” he said, “beer for you Lincoln?”

“Please.” Lincoln said, before he looked at Lexa, “actually, no, I’ll just have a…”

“He’ll have a beer.” Lexa said to Ryder with a smile before turning to look at Lincoln, “you’re here to have fun just as much as I am.”

Ryder grabbed them two bottles of beer before getting Lexa her double whiskey. As soon as he put the glass on the wooden surface of the bar she picked it up, knocking the drink back before putting the glass back down.

“It’s going to be one of those nights, huh?” Ryder asked with a smirk.

“I hope not.” Lexa replied with a small laugh, “should get up there though, can you set up a tab please?”

“Anya already did it.” he said.

“Of course she did.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “catch you later.”

Lincoln walked behind Lexa as they made their way up the stairs.

“Breathe.” He said quietly as they neared the top.

When they reached the top of the stairs one of the big guys who was sitting at a small table got up and walked over to them.

“We’re with…” Lexa started to say, before he dropped the rope for her, “thanks.”

“You do realise that everyone in here knows who you are, right.” Lincoln said with a laugh as they walked away from the stairs, the security guy reattaching the rope to the other side of the stairs as they went.

“Right now I don’t even think I remember who I am,” Lexa said quietly, turning to glance at Lincoln, “you know what nerves do to my brain.”

“Lexa!” Raven yelled from the booth as she caught sight of them, “took you long enough.”

“We’re not late,” Lexa said, “Anya said to be here by…”

“It’s only taken you three and a half years to get here.” Raven said, standing up and walking over to pull Lexa into a hug, which Lexa easily returned.

“Better late than never.” A very familiar voice said from behind Lexa.

“Breathe.” Raven said quietly in Lexa’s ear before backing out of the hug and stepping away a little.

Lexa’s heart felt like it was going to pound right out of her chest, her stomach had learnt the art of somersaults and she felt like she was genuinely going to throw up. Slowly she turned around and felt the entire world around her disappear as her eyes found the blue ones looking back at her. For a while she had thought that she had forgotten just how blue Clarke’s eyes were, but even in the dim lighting of the bar she realized that she remembered exactly how bright they were, and their exact shade. She didn’t even notice when Lincoln walked past her, grabbing Raven’s arm and gently dragging her away from the two girls.

“Hey…” Lexa said as she finally remembered how her voice worked, though the dryness she now felt in her mouth made the task even more difficult than she ever remembered it being.

“Hey.” Clarke replied, a small soft smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“I already have a dodgy leg; I don’t need you ripping my arm off.” They heard Raven yell at Lincoln, which caused them both to laugh a little, knowing that Raven would much rather have stayed and listened to just how this reunion was going to go.

“So…” Lexa said, looking down at her beer bottle, suddenly finding it fascinating, “how have you…”

Her words were stopped when Clarke pulled her into a hug, all the air rushing from her lungs as she instantly returned it after quickly putting the beer bottle down on a nearby table.

“Welcome home…” Clarke said quietly, her arms tightening around Lexa as she felt the brunette take another deep breath.

As those words reached Lexa’s ears she couldn’t help but wonder if the blonde knew just how literal those words were. Sure the city is where she had lived, but Clarke was her home. When she backed away a little, Clarke’s hands not leaving her hips, she could see from the look in Clarke’s unguarded eyes that the blonde knew exactly what those words meant to Lexa.

“Clarke… I…” Lexa started to say, unable to get her mouth to form the words, unable to get her brain to function long enough to actually form a full sentence.

“I know, Lexa,” Clarke said with a small nod, “I know…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night at the bar continues, Clarke and Lexa talk, then Clarke gets a nasty surprise when her mother calls her in the early morning hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just need to say one thing, in the last part I missed out a lot of the descriptive part of Lexa slowly cutting down her drug habit and the struggles she was having with that, I did that for a reason, I was aiming for a slightly lighter chapter. This time I've put it all in, so hopefully for those that didn't find that last chapter believable, this might be a bit more to your liking. It contains a drug overdose, which I've partly based off a personal experience I had with a friend of mine. If a drug overdose is a trigger for you, please don't read it. Drop me a comment and let me know what you think.

 

 

Clarke, Raven and Octavia were dancing downstairs in the bar, leaving Anya and Lincoln sitting with Lexa in the VIP booth upstairs. The girls had tried joining the others to dance, but soon enough that got a little too difficult as people started to recognize them, Anya didn’t mind, but Lexa had always found the attention made her uncomfortable. In the couple of hours that they had been at the bar, Anya had noticed that Lexa had started bouncing her leg as they sat in the booth, she had also been getting increasing restless and had started clenching her fist at random moments.

“How you doing?” Anya asked, concern very evident in her voice.

“I’m okay.” Lexa replied with a nod.

“You sure?” Anya asked, “you seem to be getting a little twitchy there.”

“I’m fine, Anya.” Lexa said, glaring at her sister.

“I’m going to get some more drinks,” Lincoln said, sensing the tension between the two of them, “same again?”

“Can you get me a glass of water as well as a beer please?” Lexa asked.

“Sure.” Lincoln said with a small nod before he walked back downstairs to the main bar area.

“Water?” Anya asked, “you’re not anywhere near drunk yet.”

Lexa got a pill bottle out of her pocket and held it up so Anya could see it.

“Transferring one addiction to the next is not a good idea you know.” Anya said with a sigh.

“Thanks, mom,” Lexa said sarcastically, before shaking her head a little, “it just takes the edge off, that’s all.”

“Lex,” Anya said, “I know it seems like I’m getting on your case, but I’m not. I’m just worried about you, I love you, you know that.”

“I know.” Lexa said with a sigh, “I just need to get through this week, then I can start dealing with it.”

Anya nodded a little as Lincoln came back with the drinks, Lexa quickly put the orange pill bottle back in her pocket.

“The girls will be up in a minute.” He said as he put the drinks on the table, “and I’m pretty sure I just saw Bellamy arrive.”

“I’m just going to the bathroom.” Lexa said, grabbing the glass of water before she headed to the bathroom.

She knew the bathroom was empty, as they were the only group using the upstairs area, but that didn’t stop her checking the two stalls that were in there, just to be safe. When she was sure the bathroom was empty she wiped down the side near the sink, before pouring away some of the water in the glass and putting it down on the side, before taking the pill bottle back out of her pocket. She took two of the pills out, putting them on the side she crushed them under the bottom of the glass, before taking a card from her wallet and moving the crushed up pills into her hand and dropping them into what was left of the glass of water.

She swirled the small amount of liquid around for a few seconds before drinking the water. As the water ran down her throat she closed her eyes and rested her hands on the side next to the sink. While her eyes were closed she heard the bathroom door open.

“You okay?” Clarke asked, stepping closer to Lexa.

“Yeah.” Lexa said with a nod, opening her eyes but not looking at Clarke.

She didn’t need to look at the blonde to see that she was looking at the pill bottle.

“Oxycodone?” Clarke asked, picking the bottle up and looking at the printed label on the side of it.

“Headache.” Lexa replied.

“Okay,” Clarke said with a small nod, furrowing her brow, “25mg? That’s quite a heavy dose for a headache.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just started to wash her hands in an effort to take Clarke’s attention off the pills. Before Clarke could say anything else to her Raven walked into the bathroom.

“There you are,” she said to Lexa, “Bellamy’s here.”

“On my way.” Lexa said with a small smile, before taking the pill bottle from Clarke and walking out of the bathroom.

“What was that all about?” Raven asked Clarke.

“She has a headache.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed, something about the way Lexa was acting made her think that something really wasn’t right.

“Fair enough.” Raven said with a shrug.

“She’s taking Oxycodone.” The blonde said.

“For a headache?” Raven asked, causing Clarke to nod a little, “that’s pretty hardcore for someone with a headache.”

“That’s what I thought,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I mean, do you remember how hard it was in high school to get her to take something as simple as an aspirin for a headache.”

 

 

x-x-x-x

 

Everyone had gone back downstairs to the main part of the bar, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone in the booth. The brunette was sitting with her head rested back against the booth, with her hands clasped on her stomach and her legs stretched out slightly under the table, with her eyes closed.

“You okay there?” Clarke asked, pulling her leg under her as she turned to her side and looked at Lexa.

“Just thinking.” Lexa replied, not opening her eyes.

“About?” the blonde asked.

“Do you ever wish you had a time machine,” Lexa said, opening her eyes and turning her head to look at Clarke, before she turned her head again and looked at the ceiling, “you make that one choice in your life, that one decision that just changes everything. One day your life is going exactly the way you want it to, then the next you make a decision that throws everything up in the air and you find yourself in places you never expected to be…”

“Not happy with the way your life turned out?” Clarke asked, though deep down she knew that it was a pointless question to ask, she knew from looking at Lexa, from talking to Lexa, that she knew the answer already.

“Sometimes I think I could be,” Lexa replied, taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly, “then other times I don’t think so. I’ve seen so much of the world, been to places I never thought I’d end up going and that’s all great, but… there are times when I wake up and I can’t even remember what city we’re in. This is so far from what I expected my life to be like, I wanted a normal job, I wanted to live in a normal apartment…”

“Normal is overrated.” Clarke said with a small smile, nudging Lexa’s leg a little.

“Is it?” the brunette said with a sigh, “I miss the little things.”

“Like what?” Clarke asked.

“Going to the park and sitting under a tree reading a book,” Lexa replied, “walking down the street to pick up a coffee, birthday parties, friends… you…”

When Clarke didn’t say anything, Lexa shook her head a little.

“Sorry,” she said with a sigh, “bet this isn’t what you were expecting, huh. First time you see me in years and I’m banging on about how shit my life is…”

At that moment the others chose to go back upstairs, all laughing and joking about the past.

“Sorry to kill the mood, but I’m going to head out,” Lexa said, “I’m tired.”

“Not very rockstar of you.” Bellamy said with a smile.

“Sorry to disappoint.” Lexa replied with a small laugh.

“Want me to drive you?” Lincoln asked, “I’ve only had one beer so it’ll be okay.”

“Wouldn’t want to ruin your night.” Lexa said, “I can call Gustus, get him to come and get me.”

“I’ll drive you,” Lincoln said, standing up, “come on.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

The dark negative thoughts hadn’t stopped running around Lexa’s head since she arrived back from the bar. She knew seeing Clarke again would be difficult, she knew that it would make her think of the past and what her life could’ve been like, but she had no idea it would hit her the way that it did. As she lay there looking at the ceiling of her hotel room she couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said to Clarke, about that one decision changing a life.

Being around Clarke and the others again had made her think about what her life could’ve been like, but she had walked away and left it all behind. When she had made the choice not to go home again she had done it for Clarke. She knew how much ending their relationship had hurt Clarke, because it had nearly destroyed her, and as they had shared pretty much everything, when she walked away from Clarke, she walked away from everything else as well.

Lincoln had been right when he said that Clarke hadn’t changed that much, she was still the most beautiful girl Lexa had ever laid eyes on, but along with all that beauty and warmth that Lexa remembered, there was something else. There was a pain in those blue eyes. Clarke had always been good at hiding her true emotions, but Lexa could read her like a book, she always had been able to.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Gustus had waited and waited for Lexa to call him or text him and tell him that she was going to sleep, but it never came. He knew there was a chance she had already fallen asleep, but he also knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep himself if he didn’t check on her. So he had gone to her room, after knocking on the door and getting no answer, he let himself in. As soon as he walked into the hotel room he knew something was very wrong.

“Lexa.” He said, walking over to the bed, “Lexa, wake up.”

When she didn’t even stir he put his hand on her head, her skin was clammy to the touch, glancing over at the small side table he saw all he needed to see. Quickly turning the bedside light on he saw that Lexa’s lips had started to turn slightly blue.

“Shit…” he said, putting his fingers on her neck, checking her pulse, it was slowed well below any normal rate.

He rushed over to her bag, going into the inside pocket he pulled out the small box that was in there. Taking one the Evzio auto-injector’s out of the box he pulled the red safety guard off the bottom, ignoring the instructions that were given he went back over to where Lexa was laying on the bed and put it small plastic box on the outside of Lexa’s left thigh and pushed down, counting to 5 as he did so.

“Come on, kid,” he said, “come on…”

He knew it would take about 2 minutes for the naloxone in the injection to kick in. When he had picked the Evzio’s up he had hoped he never had to use them, but he knew that with a heroin addict that choice was taken out of his hands. Lexa was always so careful with the amount that she took, but he knew that accidents happened.

“Not like this, Lex,” he said with a sigh, checking her pulse again, “not like this…”

Her pulse rate was starting to increase, not massively, but it was a start. There was still another minute or so to go before he knew if he’d have to use the other injection on her. He grabbed her phone, as he had left his own in his room not thinking he would need it, and he called 911.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke had finally drifted off to sleep when she was awoken by her phone ringing, she groaned as she reached across to the bedside table and picked up her phone, tempted to ignore the call until she saw who it was.

“Mom?” she said sleepily as she answered the phone.

“Clarke, honey,” her mom said, “you need to come to the hospital.”

In her sleepy state Clarke ran through all the reasons her mom would say she needed to go to the hospital, it was obviously something really important, so it probably had something to do with one of her friends. Raven and Octavia had gone home with her, so she knew it couldn’t be them, if it had been Bellamy her mom would’ve called Octavia first, Lincoln was with Octavia so Clarke was at a loss as to why her mom needed her to go to the hospital.

“What’s going on, mom?” Clarke asked.

“It’s Lexa, honey,” Abby replied, “she’s been brought in.”

“Is… is she okay?” Clarke asked, suddenly very awake.

“It’s complicated,” Abby said with a sigh, “you just need to come here.”

“I’ll be right there.” Clarke said with a nod, hanging up the phone before getting out of bed.

The blonde threw on some clothes before rushing through to Raven’s room, she needed to use the car.

“Raven.” she said loudly, waking the other girl up.

“What’s going on?” Raven asked, rubbing her eyes as she sat up.

“I need to use your car.” She said, “Lexa’s in the hospital, my mom just called me.”

“Give me a couple of minutes to get dressed,” Raven said, finding herself very awake, “you’re not driving, go and wake Octavia and Lincoln.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Before Clarke arrived at the hospital her mother had sent her a text saying that they should come in via the side entrance of the building as there was a lot of press outside the front. After Raven parked the car, the three girls and Lincoln went into the hospital and upstairs towards the private room where Abby had told Clarke that Lexa would be. As they walked down the corridor they could see Anya pacing up and down, Echo and Ontari were sitting on a couple of chairs and there was a bald guy that Clarke had never seen before talking on the phone.

“Hey…” Clarke said as she reached Anya, the blonde was surprised when Anya pulled her into a hug, Anya had never been one for touchy feely affection, “is she okay?”

“I don’t know,” Anya replied honestly as she stepped back from Clarke a little, sharing a couple of ‘thank you for coming’ smiles with Raven and Octavia, “your mom isn’t telling me anything.”

A big guy that Clarke hadn’t met before, but knew from seeing in pictures with Lexa, walked out of the room.

“Gus,” Anya said, “this is Clarke.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Gustus said, “I just wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Likewise.” Clarke said with a small smile.

“Your mother called you?” he asked, causing Clarke to nod, “she was asking after you.”

“Is she okay?” the blonde asked.

“For now.” Gustus said with a small nod, “your mom is still working on getting fluids into her and keeping her heartrate up, but she’s okay for now.”

“What happened?” Clarke asked, looking around the small group.

The bald man that Clarke had never met walked over to her and held out a form in front of her.

“Before anyone says anything else, you and your friends need to sign this.” He said.

“What is it?” Clarke asked.

“Confidentiality agreement,” Titus said, “nothing that gets said here can leave this hospital.”

“Are you for real right now?” the blonde asked, “I get called here at 3am and you’re telling me that no one will tell me what happened until I sign some stupid confidentiality agreement?”

“All the staff who work on this floor, and anyone who comes into contact with Lexa, has had to sign one as well,” Titus said, “it would be disastrous for Lexa and the band if any of this made it into the public domain.”

“Maybe you should sign one as well.” Ontari said, looking at Titus as everyone else looked at her, “Well it’s the only thing that makes sense, the press got hold of this pretty quickly, and we know it wasn’t anyone at the hotel that told them, it wasn’t any of us, which leaves him.”

Clarke snatched the form from Titus, before looking around for a pen, which Raven handed her, and she signed the form. Raven, Octavia and Lincoln all signed one as well before Clarke looked back at Titus.

“Now, does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?” she said.

“She’s sick, Clarke.” Anya replied.

“Obviously, she wouldn’t be in hospital if she wasn’t.” the blonde said, furrowing her brow a little and shaking her head.

“This have anything to do with those pills she was taking earlier?” Raven asked.

“What pills?” Octavia asked.

“Oxycodone,” Clarke said with a sigh, “she said she had a headache.”

“Lexa never takes pills for headaches,” Octavia said, “we literally had to hold her down that time at school to get her to take one, and we had to get her cookies afterwards.”

Ontari laughed a little.

“Sorry,” she said, “just the mental images that brings to mind are amusing.”

“You’re an asshole,” Echo said, looking at the other girl, “you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Ontari said, “tell me something I don’t know.”

“So if she wasn’t taking them for headaches…” Raven said, something suddenly dawning on her, “she has a drug problem.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Clarke said, shaking her head.

“Heroin,” Anya said with a nod, “she’s a heroin addict.”

“No…” Clarke said, shaking her head, “you’re lying.”

“I wish I was kid,” Anya said, “it was only a matter of time before this happened, we were all stupid thinking it wouldn’t.”

Abby walked out of the room, seeing everyone standing there with Clarke forced her to choose between mom-mode and doctor-mode.

“She’s asleep,” Abby said, looking around at the expectant faces, “her breathing and heartrate are stable, we’ve got fluids in, though finding a vein wasn’t easy…”

“Can we see her?” Anya asked.

“One at a time.” Abby replied with a nod.

“I need to make some calls.” Titus said, walking away from the group.

“You go first, Clarke.” Anya said with a soft smile, “something tells me she’ll be happier to see your face than the rest of ours.”

Clarke stood looking at the door to the hospital room, her heart was pounding in her chest as Anya’s words about Lexa’s drug problem still rang in her ears. A hand on her shoulder caused her to jump, she looked to see Gustus giving her a reassuring smile, she nodded a little before taking a deep breath and walking into the small room.

All the air left Clarke’s lungs as she saw Lexa lying in the hospital bed hooked up to a heart monitor with an IV drip in her arm. Her skin was pale, almost grey under the hospital lights. Closing her eyes, Clarke took another deep breath before forcing her feet to move and walk over to the bed. She pulled the chair that was at the side of the room closer to the bed and sat down.

Reaching up she brushed a strand of hair from Lexa’s face, her fingers brushing over the cool clammy skin, causing Lexa’s eyes to flutter open.

“Hey…” Clarke said softly.

“Hey.” Lexa replied, squinting her eyes a little against the lights in the room.

“You okay?” Clarke asked.

“The lights,” Lexa said, scrunching her eyes closed, “too bright.”

Clarke looked around the room, there was a small strip light over the bed and another lamp on a small table near the door, she turned both on before turning the main lights in the room off and walking back over to the bed.

“Better?” she asked as she sat back down.

“Yeah.” Lexa said with a nod, opening her eyes.

“How long?” Clarke asked.

“Long enough.” Lexa replied with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling.

“Lexa…” Clarke said.

“Almost 3 years.” Lexa said.

“Jesus…” Clarke replied, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“And how was I going to do that, Clarke,” Lexa said, furrowing her brow as she looked at the blonde, “call you up and say ‘by the way, I’m a drug addict now’… it’s not something I ever wanted you to know.”

“Well it’s a little late for that, don’t you think.” Clarke said with a sigh, “I could’ve helped you, Lexa.”

“No, you couldn’t,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I left to help _you_ , I walked away from everyone for _you_ , there was no way I was laying this shit at your feet.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” Clarke asked, “I didn’t ask you to walk away from everyone, Lexa.”

“You didn’t have to ask, Clarke.” Lexa replied, “and no, I’m not saying this is your fault. This is my fault. I’m the one who wasn’t strong enough to cope with the choices that I made.”

“What I don’t understand is why…” Clarke said.

“Have you ever woken up every morning and just not wanted to get out of bed?” Lexa asked, clenching her jaw as she looked back up at the ceiling, “Ever looked at the people around you and seen how happy they are, how much fun their having, and you know that for you to be that happy you have to take everything away from them… you have to put on this act every day, you have to be that person that people expect you to be. Someone always wants something, ‘do this, Lexa,’ ‘do that, Lexa’… ‘Lexa, you need to do this’ ‘the band needs this, Lexa’. It all got too much.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was sitting on the chairs opposite Lexa’s room, Anya was in with her, Echo and Ontari had gone home. Titus had vanished off somewhere to sort something else out, Raven, Octavia and Lincoln had all gone home as well. Clarke was sitting forward on the chair, with her elbows resting on her knees and her head in her hands. Gustus sat down next to her.

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Clarke asked, looking at him.

“She didn’t want to burden you.” He replied.

“Why couldn’t I see it,” Clarke said, shaking her head a little, “I should’ve known something was wrong, I should’ve…”

“You saw what she wanted you to see,” Gustus said with a small smile, “everyone saw what she wanted them to see.”

“The phone calls…” Clarke said.

“The phone calls were as close as she got to asking you for help,” Gustus replied, “no matter what else was going on, you were always there in her mind, Clarke. You were always the one person she wanted to reach out for, but she just couldn’t do that to you. The way she sees it, she hurt you enough already, she didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

After laying awake after she finally got home, Clarke finally gave up on trying to sleep and walked out into the living room area to find Raven and Octavia sitting on the sofa.

“How you doing?” Raven asked.

Clarke shrugged and walked into the kitchen area to get herself some coffee.

“You going up to the hospital again today?” Raven asked the blonde as she walked back into the living room.

“I don’t know,” Clarke said as she sat down, “I told Anya and Gustus I would, but…”

“It’s hard, huh?” Octavia said with a sigh.

“We were her best friends, and we didn’t see it.” Clarke said.

“An addict is good at putting on an act,” Raven replied, “they’re good at fooling people, lying…”

“That’s Lexa you’re talking about.” Clarke snapped, looking at her friend.

“It’s not like she gave us a chance to see it,” Octavia said, “she never came home.”

“Because of me.” Clarke said with a small nod.

Raven’s phone beeped, she picked it up off the table and looked at it.

 **@Grounders** : A quick tweet to let you all know that **@LexaWoods** is fine after a bad case of food poisoning and a night in hospital.

“Food poisoning,” Raven said shaking her head, “that’s classic, they really think anyone is going to buy that…”

“What?” Clarke asked looking at Raven.

“The official band twitter account just tweeted that Lexa had food poisoning.” Raven said with a sigh.

“Well it’s not like anyone is going to say any different.” Octavia replied, “we all signed that confidentiality shit, we can’t say anything.”

“They’re going to have to say something else at some point, because there is no way she’ll be able to do the gig tomorrow night,” Clarke said, “my mom isn’t going to medically allow that.”

“Will she still be in hospital then?” Octavia asked, “I know nothing about addiction or anything…”

“Depends how bad the OD was,” Raven said with a shrug, “if she’s lucky she’ll get away with 16 hours monitoring in hospital, it’s going to depend how she was this morning.”

“You seem pretty well informed.” Clarke said.

“Mother was an addict, remember,” Raven replied, “it’s not a pretty thing to watch.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

When Clarke got to the hospital, she again went in through the side entrance, heading up to see Lexa. She saw Gustus in the hallway.

“How is she?” Clarke asked walking over to him.

“Didn’t you hear, she’s fine,” Gustus said, “food poisoning apparently.”

“Gustus…” Clarke said.

“See for yourself.” He said, motioning to the door, “maybe you can talk some sense into her, I can’t.”

Clarke opened the door and walked into the room to find Lexa fully clothed and sitting on the bed.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Clarke asked.

“Good morning to you too, Clarke.” Lexa replied.

“Lexa, what are you doing?” Clarke asked again, walking over to the chair which was still next to the bed.

“I have commitments, Clarke,” Lexa said, “I can’t stay in here any longer, people are already asking questions.”

“You could’ve died last night,” the blonde said, “what part of that are you not understanding?”

“I’m fine,” Lexa said, “it wasn’t as bad as you think it was.”

“You overdosed, Lexa,” Clarke said, her anger starting to bubble up to the surface, “if Gustus hadn’t been there…”

“Well he was,” Lexa said, interrupting her, “and I’m fine.”

The door to the room opened and Abby walked in with Titus.

“Lexa, I have to strongly advise against this.” Abby said.

“Do you have the paperwork?” Lexa asked.

“If you leave now, it is against medical advice,” Abby said with a sigh, “I would like to keep you in for at least another 24 hours, just to make sure the drugs are out of your system. If you leave now we can’t monitor the withdrawal symptoms and help you through them.”

Clarke noticed the look that passed between Titus and Lexa.

“There won’t be any withdrawal symptoms…” Clarke said, looking at Lexa who just looked down at the floor, “because as soon as she gets out of here she’s going to go and shoot up, am I right?”

“Clarke…” Lexa said.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Clarke said, shaking her head as she stood up, “you cannot seriously be…”

“She has a job to do.” Titus said.

“Was I talking to you?” Clarke said, turning to look at him.

“I just need to get through this week.” Lexa said, causing Clarke to turn and look at her.

“Then what about next week?” Clarke asked, “and the week after that? What then?”

Lexa didn’t reply, so Clarke looked at Abby.

“You can’t let her do this, mom.” Clarke said.

“I can’t stop her,” Abby said, shaking her head a little, “I’ve given her my medical advice, there’s nothing more I can do, Clarke. I can’t force her to stay here.”

Clarke turned back to face Lexa, walking over to her she knelt down in front of the bed, taking Lexa’s hands in hers as she looked up into the green eyes that she knew so well.

“What about what you said last night,” Clarke said to her, “please don’t do this Lexa, let me help you, please.”

“Lexa,” Titus said, looking down at his phone before he looked at Lexa, “the car is here.”

Clarke saw something change in Lexa’s eyes, it was like a wall came up, holding back everything that she felt. Clarke let go of Lexa’s hands and stood up, shaking her head as she did.  Lexa wasted no time in standing up and putting her jacket on, before walking over to Abby and taking the clipboard from her, signing the release form before handing the board back to her.

“When you’re ready, you know where I am.” Abby said, “please be careful.”

“You’re going to kill her,” Clarke said, walking closer to Titus, “you know that, right? One night she’s going to take a little too much and Gustus isn’t going to be there, and that’s going to be your fault.”

Titus didn’t say anything, he just kept his face emotionless as he looked at Clarke.

“And when that happens,” Clarke said, stepping closer to him, “I will ruin you.”

Neither Titus nor Lexa said anything as they left the room, Lexa couldn’t even look at Clarke. The blonde followed them out of the room and saw as Titus stopped and said something to Lexa, the brunette nodding a little as he spoke.

Gustus looked at Clarke.

“Guess she wouldn’t listen to you either.” He said as he walked over to her.

“I tried.” Clarke said, “I don’t trust Titus, he doesn’t seem like he actually cares that she OD’d, I mean, you’d expect him to be worried about it at least… I guess that’s what it’s like sometimes in that industry though.”

“Why would he care,” Gustus said, “if he cared at all he’d stop providing for her.”

“He’s…” Clarke started to say.

“I’ll see you soon, Clarke.” Gustus said with a small smile, having passed on that very important piece of information.

“Gustus,” Clarke said, stopping him before he could walk away, he turned back, “take care of her…”

“I always do.” He said.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter part, but it seemed to come to a natural end. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

 

Clarke was so angry when she got back to her apartment, she really couldn’t believe that Lexa had just up and left the hospital like that, well obviously she could believe it, but the Lexa she knew would never have done that.

“The Lexa I thought I knew…” Clarke said to herself, shaking her head as she opened the front door.

“I thought you were going to the hospital.” Raven said to Clarke, from where she was sitting on the sofa with Anya, Lincoln was sitting on one of the chairs.

“No point hanging around there.” Clarke said, closing the door before she took her jacket off and hung it up.

“She still out of it?” Anya asked.

“She discharged herself.” Clarke replied.

“Of course she did…” Anya said with a sigh, shaking her head a little, “was Gustus with her?”

“Yeah.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed as she nodded her head.

“Well at least we’ll know she’ll be as safe as she can be.” Anya said, turning her attention back to the television.

“How are you so okay about this?” Clarke asked, causing both Raven and Lincoln to look at her.

“What do you mean?” Anya asked in reply.

“She’s your sister,” Clarke said, “she’s just discharged herself after overdosing on heroin, and the best you can come up with ‘at least she’ll be as safe as she can be’?”

“Clarke…” Raven said.

“No, Raven, no,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “sure Lexa is the one who put the drugs in her arm, but Anya isn’t innocent in all this.”

“Excuse me?” Anya asked.

“This has been going on for close to three years, Anya,” Clarke said, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself down, “three fucking years. You’ve seen her everyday, it’s not like this overdose would’ve come as a surprise for you, you were fully aware of what she was doing.”

“I’m her sister, Clarke, not her babysitter.” Anya replied, “Lexa is an adult, she’s more than capable of making her own decisions.”

“Her own decisions,” Clarke said with a bitter laugh, “oh that’s classic.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Anya asked, sitting forward on the sofa.

“You think when she signed that contract, she did it for herself?” Clarke asked, ignoring the way that Raven and Lincoln looked at each other, “you think she wanted this life for herself? You really think she’s happy with how her life is going right now?”

“Nobody forced her to sign it, Clarke.” Anya said.

“You might not have held a gun to her head, Anya,” Clarke said, “but she did it for you. For all those times you were there to take care of her when you were kids, when your folks were out of town. This is the life you wanted, Anya, this is what you all wanted, but you know this is damn well not what Lexa wanted. Do you know something, last night at the bar, she asked me if I ever wished I had a time machine, to go back and change that one decision that changed everything.”

“Why do you think we’re taking time off, Clarke,” Anya said, standing up, “why do you think we’re taking a break?”

“You think a break is going to make up for this?” Clarke asked, not backing away as Anya stepped closer to her, “you think taking a break is going to make everything okay again? This band has destroyed her, Anya, and you and the others have sat back and watched it happen, right in front of your eyes.”

“It’s not like any of us forced her to take drugs.” Anya said.

“It’s not like you did anything to stop it either.” Clarke replied, “which actually makes it worse. You all sat back and let it happen, you enjoyed the life it brought but you knew what it was doing to her. She’s your sister, you claim to love her, you’ve allowed her to become what she has.”

“Don’t you even try questioning how I feel about my sister, Clarke.” Anya said gripping the front of Clarke’s shirt.

“Go on, Anya, hit me,” Clarke said, through clenched teeth, “will that make you feel better?”

“Okay,” Lincoln said, standing up and pushing Anya away from Clarke, “that’s enough, both of you.”

“I’m going out.” Clarke said, looking at Raven, “I’d rather she wasn’t still here when I got back.”

With that Clarke grabbed her jacket and went back out, slamming the apartment door behind her.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke needed to calm down so she went to the only place she could think of that had brought her any kind of real peace when she was younger. There was a small clearing near a lake where everyone used to hang out in high school. She and Lexa had spent many late nights there, burning a fire in the small fire pit, laying on a blanket together while looking up at the stars.

Near the fire pit there was a tree stump, as Clarke walked over to the stump she could see the carving that was still embedded in the wood. Something Lexa had done on their last night there before high school graduation. It said LW + CG. She ran her fingers across it, remembering the night Lexa had carved it with her small knife, her tongue poking through her teeth as she concentrated.

She took a photograph of it with her phone, before posting it to twitter.

 **@ClarkeGriffinArt** : Where’s that time machine.

She knew she would probably regret the tweet later, as the notifications started to, once again, go through the roof. She’d gained a lot of followers since the truth about her relationship with Lexa became public knowledge, and she knew that they’d all figure out the initials easily enough.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Thought I might find you here.” Lexa said, walking into the small clearing and finding Clarke still sitting by the tree stump.

“Wasn’t aware you were looking for me.” Clarke replied with a sigh.

The blonde noticed Gustus hanging back near the tree line, obviously close enough to stop anything happening to Lexa, but knowing that Clarke herself posed no risk to the brunette.

“Lincoln called me.” Lexa said, sitting down not too far away from Clarke.

“Ah,” Clarke said with a nod, “that makes more sense.”

“He told me you had a few choice words for Anya.” Lexa said, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“Well I couldn’t exactly go off at you, could I,” Clarke said, “she was the next best thing.”

“I’m here now.” Lexa replied.

“I just… I don’t understand, Lexa,” Clarke said, with a sigh, “if something makes you unhappy, and you’re obviously unhappy, why keep doing it?”

“I wish I had a simple answer for you, Clarke,” Lexa replied, “but I don’t.”

“Try…” Clarke said.

“Okay,” Lexa said with a small nod, “I guess I owe you that much…”

“You don’t owe me anything, Lexa,” Clarke said, “you don’t owe anyone anything.”

“But I do,” Lexa replied, furrowing her brow a little as she pulled a blade of grass from the ground and started fiddling with it, “so many times when we were at high school, Anya missed out on a lot, her friends were going out, meeting up, just hanging out, but she couldn’t go because our parents were out of town. They worked a lot, to give us both a comfortable life, but it also meant that Anya had to take on more than she should have. I owe her for that.”

“You’re destroying your life, Lex…” Clarke said.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod and a small shrug, “my life stopped being my own a while ago, or at least that’s what it feels like sometimes.”

“You said you just needed to get through this week,” Clarke said, causing Lexa to nod a little, “what did you mean by that?”

“After that I can take the time I need to get clean.” Lexa replied.

“Do you want to get clean?” Clarke asked.

“Sometimes,” Lexa said honestly, “but then I remember that isn’t going to be enough. I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t, I know that. But I also know that the band might not survive without me, I mean, legally I don’t know where I’d stand on that…”

“Can’t you ask a lawyer, or your record company?” the blonde asked.

“I’d have to go through Titus to do that, and I think we both know what he’d say about it.” Lexa said with a small laugh.

“I really do hate that guy.” Clarke said with a sigh.

“It was different when we first signed the contract,” Lexa said, “then everything picked up speed and it’s like somewhere along the way he’s forgotten that we’re only human.”

“He’s giving you the drugs, isn’t he?” Clarke said.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a nod, “he is. He looks at it as if I wasn’t getting them from him, I’d be getting them from someone else, and at least it’s safer this way… in the last week or so I’ve actually cut down the amount I use, it’s been… shitty.”

“The pills.” Clarke said with a knowing nod.

“Opiates, takes the edge off.” Lexa said with a sigh, “I made a decision when I signed that contract, a decision not only for me, but also for you. My choice made our relationship fall apart and I didn’t want you to see that I’d fucked up. Every time I used to look at my future I didn’t really see where I’d be going, jobwise I knew what I wanted to do, but it wasn’t set in stone, you know. The only thing that I knew without a shadow of a doubt was that my future would include you, us, and we used to spend hours talking about it, you remember?”

“I remember.” Clarke said with a small smile and a nod.

“And I took that away.” Lexa said, “Like I said last night at the hospital, when I walked away from you, I walked away from everything. I isolated myself, and anything that has happened since because of that is my fault.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Instead of going back to her apartment, Clarke went to her mom’s house. As the two of them sat in the living room, Clarke decided to ask her mom a few questions that had been playing on her mind.

“Do you think she wants to get clean?” Clarke asked.

“Honestly, yes,” Abby replied, “from what she said to me at the hospital she does. But she knows that she needs to make a clean break from the band to do that, she can’t be in that environment and get clean, it won’t work. She can get clean, but going back will just drag her back into a nasty cycle.”

“I kind of lost it with Anya earlier.” Clarke said, “I just don’t understand how she can sit back and let this go on, I mean I know Lexa is an adult and I know that nobody forced her to do drugs, but… I just don’t get how Anya and the others can just let it carry on, they know that she isn’t happy, they know that she hates this…”

“They also know that if it wasn’t for her they might not be where they are now.” Abby replied with a sad smile, “sometimes it’s easier to let things continue rather than risk everything. Are you going to the concert tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” Clarke said with a shrug, “she invited me, but how can I go knowing what I do.”

“How can you not?” Abby asked.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya finally starts to truly see what effect her dreams are having on Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, life got busy. This is a pretty heavy chapter, took a lot for me to write it, hope it was worth it. Drop me a comment, let me know. The song is called Anything Worth Holding Onto, look it up.

 

The band had just finished the rehearsals for that nights concert, Anya walked into the dressing room expecting to find Lexa there, Ontari and Echo had gone out to get food, but the dressing room was empty. Lexa hadn’t mentioned that she was going anywhere, and Anya had seen Gustus a few minutes before so she knew her sister wouldn’t have left the building.

Clarke’s words to her the previous day had been running around and around in her head, she had already felt guilty about Lexa’s addiction, she knew that she played a part in it. Obviously she hadn’t forced her sister to start taking drugs, but she hadn’t done anything to stop it either. She knew that if she had tried, really tried, to stop Lexa as soon as it started that her sister probably wouldn’t be in the position that she was in now. Each of them had played their part in Lexa’s addiction, each of them had ignored it, hoped it would go away.

As she walked through the backstage corridors she could hear the soft tones of a piano, knowing that the only person who could be playing it was Lexa, she followed the sound. It had been a while since Lexa had sat behind a piano because she wanted to, it had been a while since she had done anything simply because she wanted to. When Anya found the source of the sound she found that it was her sister, sitting alone in a small side room, with a piano.

Anya didn’t recognise the song which Lexa was playing, and she knew that Lexa hadn’t tried writing any new material in a while, well not that she knew about anyway. But there was so much going on with Lexa that she didn’t know about, so she just stood in the doorway and listened.

 

 _Lately, it seems_  
_I've lost inspiration_  
 _It feels like its miles away_  
  
_I sleep through the day_  
 _Then cry through the nighttime_  
 _I'm caught in an empty space._

As Lexa was singing, Anya knew that she definitely hadn’t heard the song before, the emotion that was coming across in Lexa’s voice let her know that this was something that was deeply personal.

 _It takes effort to fight_  
_I don't have the strength_  
 _I'm holding on to what's still left of me_  
  
_When the life you had planned_  
 _Slowly slips through your hands_  
 _When it feels like you just slept through_  
 _All the best years of your life_  
 _When you can't find your way_  
 _When each day ends the same_  
 _When you lost the fight inside of you_  
 _Is there anything worth holding on to ?_  


Anya felt the tears starting to burn her eyes as she listened to the lyrics. Deep down she knew that Lexa was suffering, that she was in pain, her using drugs as a sense of escape told her that, but as she really listened to what Lexa was singing, she couldn’t help but wonder how she had blocked everything out. Gustus had once told her that Lexa would only let them see what she wanted them to see, but Anya was seriously starting to question how she could have been so blind.

  
_It's hard to be strong_  
 _When weakness is stronger_  
 _I'm a prisoner in my own skin_  
  
_I'm not good on my own_  
 _I need to be cared for_  
 _Someone help these days begin_  


While she was listening, she felt someone walk up next to her, turning her head a little she saw Gustus standing there, his brow furrowed a little. She could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew all about Lexa’s pain, he’d been there for her and seen the way it was destroying her better than any of them had. Or maybe he was the only one who actually paid attention.

  
_There are dreams I've let die_  
 _That I just pushed aside_  
 _I need to find out how to turn the dark back into light_  
  
_When all warmth disappears_  
 _When it's been one of those years_  
 _When you're running from the truth_  
 _Because you're scared what you might find_  
 _When the hearts beyond repair_  
 _When you wake, and no one’s there_  
_When your home consists of only you_  
 _Is there anything worth holding on to ?_  
  
_Maybe tomorrow, my heart will re-awaken_  
 _And I can find what I've been searching for_  
 _But today I'm tired, and I'm running out of strength_  
 _All I know is I can't live like this anymore_  
  
_When you're so far from home_  
 _And you've lost all signs of hope_  
 _When you're searching for salvation_  
 _But it feels so far away_  
 _When the words have disappeared_  
 _And the melodies unclear_  
 _When there's nothing left inside of you_  
 _Is there anything worth holding on to ?_  
  
_Cause I will still be holding on_  
 _To everything_  
 _Worth holding on to_

As the last piano notes played, Anya made her way into the room, putting her arms around Lexa’s shoulders as the girl sat at the piano. The tears started to fall as Lexa’s hands gripped Anya’s arms.

“I am so sorry…” Anya said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke had given in to Raven and Octavia, and had gone to the Grounders concert with them and Lincoln. Anya and Lexa had given them 4 VIP tickets to the concert, which had them seated in a small section of raised seating towards the side of the stage. As they had been making their way to the seats Clarke had seen a few people looking at her and whispering to the groups they were with, she knew that she would probably be recognized which had been part of the reason she hadn’t wanted to go.

Another part of the reason she hadn’t wanted to be there was because she would be one of the few people who would know how fake it all was. While everyone else would believe that Lexa was having the time of her life up on that stage, Clarke knew the truth.

Part way through the first half of the concert, Clarke had excused herself from her friends and made her way to the small bar which was situated near the section that she and her friends were seated in. While she was waiting for the barman to get her a bottle of water, a guy walked over to her.

“You’re Clarke Griffin, right?” he asked.

“Depends who wants to know.” Clarke replied, not looking at him as she let out a sigh.

“My name is Phillip Michaels; I work for Polis News.” He said, “I was wondering if I could get your insight into the recent rumors about the bands upcoming break.”

“What makes you think that I know any more about that than you do?” Clarke asked, looking at him.

“You obviously have some insider information, due to your connection with the band,” he replied, “now, obviously the official line is that they just need a break. There are rumors that Lexa is going solo, that she would be more successful on her own…”

Clarke couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her at the idea of Lexa wanting to continue on her own, she hated being in the band so the very idea of her going it alone was ridiculous.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.” Clarke said, shaking her head a little.

“Okay,” the reporter said with a nod, “how about the talk about drug use within the band?”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that.” Clarke said, clenching her jaw slightly, finding herself very thankful that the barman was on his way back with her water.

“Rumor has it that Lexa has developed a serious drug habit,” the reporter said as Clarke paid for her water, “that the real reason she ended up in hospital wasn’t food poisoning, it was a drug overdose. Now, your mother is the doctor who treated her at the hospital, right?”

Clarke let out a small sigh of relief as she saw Lincoln walking over to where she was standing.

“You okay?” he asked her.

“Yeah.” Clarke said with a small nod, walking past the reporter.

“The truth will come out, Clarke.” He said, causing her to stop.

“What makes you think you know the truth?” she asked, turning to look at him, “why do you think that your fucked up story about drug addiction is more likely than them actually needing time off?”

“Let’s go, Clarke.” Lincoln said, putting his arm around her shoulder and walking her back towards the main arena area.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke, Raven, Octavia and Lincoln all made their way from where they were sitting as the lights fell on the stage for the final time that night, the cheers from the sell-out crowd ringing in their ears as they made their way to the nearest exit of the building. 

“That was…” Raven started to say once they left the building.

“Amazing.” Octavia said, finishing her sentence.

Lincoln smiled a little as the two continued to talk about the concert, he glanced over at Clarke to see the blonde deep in thought.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah.” Clarke said with a nod, “if I didn’t know any better I would say that Lexa loved every second of that.”

“There are two very different sides of Lexa, you know that,” he said with a small smile, “the person she is when she’s on that stage, and the person she really is.”

Before they could reach the car, Gustus walked over to them.

“Is something wrong?” Clarke asked, worry clear in her eyes.

“She wants to see you.” Gustus replied.

“Go on,” Raven said with a soft smile, “we’ll wait here.”

“Everyone is actually having drinks backstage,” Gustus said, looking around the small group, “you’re all more than welcome to join them.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Gustus lead them to the main backstage area where Anya, Echo and Ontari were sitting around drinking, Lexa was the noticeable absence. As the small group walked into the room Anya looked at Clarke before she stood up and walked over to the blonde.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Clarke,” she said with a sigh as she saw the look in Clarke’s eyes, “not that I don’t deserve it or anything…”

“We’ll be over there.” Lincoln said with a soft smile as he, Raven and Octavia walked over to one of the sofa’s near the other two members of Grounders.

“Look,” Anya said, running her hand through her hair, “I fucked up, okay, I know that, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologise to, Anya.” Clarke replied.

“I already talked to Lexa,” Anya said, “I realized a lot of things today, mainly how much I screwed up, how much I failed. She’s my kid sister, you know, I’m supposed to be there for her, I’m supposed to protect her, and I didn’t. I was so caught up in this…”

She looked around the room as she sighed, shaking her head a little as she did. 

“This is what I wanted,” she continued, “but it isn’t what Lexa wanted, it never was, and I know that. But I never did anything about it. She gave up everything so we could have this, and we all knew what it was doing to her, but we just didn’t want to see it. We knew it was bad, we all knew, I don’t think we wanted to see how bad it was. But we should have done. We forgot that we were friends first, family in my case, it’s just so… easy to ignore it, to pretend that it isn’t happening, that she isn’t slowly killing herself… this isn’t worth her life, none of it is. It just took me a while to see that, and it shouldn’t have done, but it did…”

“Why are you telling me all this?” Clarke asked.

“Because I didn’t only let her down, I let you down,” Anya said, blinking by the tears that were now burning her eyes, “I don’t know if you remember the party we had before we left to go on the road, you were pretty wasted, but you made me promise you that I would take care of her, and I haven’t done that.”

Clarke nodded, she remembered parts of that party, but most of the night was a blur.

“She wants to talk to you.” Anya said with a small smile, motioning to the doorway where Gustus was standing.

Clarke walked over to where Gustus was standing, he didn’t say anything, he just smiled slightly before opening the door.

Lexa was sitting on another sofa in the room that Gustus showed Clarke to, she had her elbows resting on her knees and her head in her hands. Clarke didn’t say anything as she walked into the room and Gustus closed the door behind her. She walked over to the sofa and sat down next to the brunette.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Lexa said, shaking her head a little as she lifted her head from her hands, “I wake up every morning and I don’t even know who I am anymore, Clarke…”

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just put her arm around Lexa’s shoulders, fighting back her own tears as the brunette seemed to collapse into her arms. 

“I want to stop,” Lexa said through her tears, “I can’t do it anymore, I can’t live like this… I don’t want to live like this…”

“You don’t have to.” Clarke said, softly kissing Lexa’s head.

“I know I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve you, but I need you, Clarke,” Lexa said, lifting her head and looking at the blonde, “I need you…”

“I’m right here, Lexa,” Clarke said, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So how are we going to do this?” Anya asked, looking around the group that were gathered in Clarke’s living room.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Raven replied with a sigh, “right now she wants to stop, she wants to get clean, but that may change tomorrow.”

“You’ve got two more shows to do,” Clarke said, “which gives us two days to work this out.”

“Treatment center, maybe?” Lincoln said.

“They rarely work,” Raven said, shaking her head, “you’re just surrounded by other addicts, talking all day about getting high and how great it used to be. My mom was in and out of treatment centers, it works for some, but it doesn’t work for others. I don’t think it’d work for Lexa, she doesn’t need to be isolated from her family, people who love her, that’s what got us here in the first place.”

“What about a program?” Ontari asked, “like NA or something…”

“NA programs work to figure out why you’re taking drugs,” Gustus replied, “it seems pretty clear to me that Lexa understands why she does it.”

A knock at the door caused them all to stop talking.

“We expecting someone else?” Octavia asked.

“My mom.” Clarke said as she stood up, “figured we could use some actual medical advice, you know…”

Clarke walked over and opened the door, letting her mom in. Abby immediately pulled her daughter into a hug.

“How is she?” Abby asked quietly.

“She’s asleep.” Clarke replied, backing out of the hug, motioning to her bedroom door.

“Is she asleep because she’s high?” Abby asked.

“No,” Clarke replied, shaking her head, “she’s exhausted.”

“This isn’t a conversation any of you can have without her,” Abby said, walking with Clarke to the living room where everyone was sitting, “you can all talk about what’s best for Lexa, but Lexa needs to be here.”

“I’ll go and wake her up.” Clarke said with a nod, knowing her mom was right.

The blonde walked into her bedroom and sat down on her bed, letting out a sigh as she looked at Lexa’s sleeping form. She looked so peaceful. It reminded Clarke of the many times she had seen that sight in the past, it was something that she had honestly never expected to see again.

“Lexa…” she said quietly, softly brushing the stray hairs from the brunette’s face.

As the brunette slowly started to open her eyes Clarke smiled a little.

“Hey…” Lexa said, stretching slightly as she looked at the blonde.

“Hey,” Clarke replied, “my mom’s here…”

Lexa sighed as she nodded a little.

“If you’re serious about doing this…” Clarke started to say.

“I am.” Lexa said, interrupting her.

“I’ll meet you out there, okay?” Clarke said with a soft smile as she stood up.

Clarke walked back out into the living room to find Anya on the phone.

“No, everything’s fine,” Anya said into the phone, “we’re just hanging out with some old friends, Titus, we’ll be back at the hotel later… yeah… yes, I’m aware… whatever.”

She hung up the phone with a sigh.

“Titus,” She said, “wants to know where we are.”

“He’s going to do everything he can to make sure this doesn’t happen,” Gustus said as Clarke sat down on the sofa, “I can stop him being alone with her, but…”

“But he’s still going to try.” Lexa said as she walked into the room and sat down next to Clarke on the sofa.

Clarke smiled a little when she saw what Lexa was wearing, it was an old college hoody that Clarke couldn’t bring herself to throw out.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Lexa said as she saw the blonde looking at her, “I was cold.”

“It was yours anyway.” Clarke said with a small laugh, “I couldn’t throw it out.”

“I have an idea.” Echo said, looking at Clarke and Lexa, “what if you just disappear, if he can’t find you, he can’t get to you.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Gustus said with a nod, “it might be best to get you out of the city, the media think that it’s just a break, so if you’re away from the city it’ll keep their attention to a minimum as well.”

“Some guy from Polis News was at the concert earlier, he kinda cornered me in the bar when I was getting a bottle of water,” Clarke said, “he wanted to know what I knew about why you guys are taking a break. He said something about rumors about Lexa being in hospital because of an overdose rather than food poisoning.”

“That information didn’t come from the hospital,” Abby said, “nobody other than me and another doctor has access to Lexa’s admittance forms from the other night.”

“Titus,” Lexa said with a sigh, shaking her head a little, “it has to be.”

“What does he hope to achieve by doing this though?” Abby asked.

“It keeps us in the press,” Lexa said, “it keeps us… relevant.”

“It also lets you know he’s in control.” Raven said, “basic provider behavior, you’re thinking about getting clean, getting away from him, he’s trying to show you that isn’t going to happen.”

“Two more days,” Lexa said, clenching her jaw, “Just two more days.”   


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty angst angst angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter compared to the rest, and it's pretty much angst filled from beginning to end. It would've been longer but I've hardly slept in 3 days and my brain is like mush. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think. Don't worry, Titus is going to get his (and there will be a happy ending, I promise.)

 

The last two sold out concerts passed a lot quicker than Lexa expected them to. One thing that Lexa hadn’t really put much thought into was what was going to happen when it was all over, a representative from the record company had gone along to the final concert, talking to the band before it started. The company as a whole had agreed to the girls taking a month out, Lexa knew that was nowhere near enough time for her to get clean, and she also knew that throwing herself back into touring and recording really wasn’t what she wanted to do.

An agreement was made, without Titus’s input, that Lexa had that month to decide what she wanted to do. If, at the end of that month, she still wanted out, which she fully expected to want, then the company would take the necessary steps to replace her. Lexa had felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders after the meeting. One thing that she had been worried about was Gustus keeping his job, he had been hired as her ‘bodyguard’ and with her no longer in the band it obviously wasn’t up to the record company to keep him on. They had said they would keep him on for the remainder of his contract with them, and for the month that Lexa was deciding on her future, Gustus would still be with her.

After the final concert, the band and the road crew were sitting around in the backstage area drinking and celebrating a successful end to the tour. Clarke, Raven, Octavia and Lincoln were there as well. Lexa needed some space from the celebrations so she had taken herself to the small side dressing room that she had used for the previous three nights. She needed to think, take stock of everything that was happening, and she really needed to think about how she was going to be truthful with her mother about everything that had happened.

Her mom had been very understanding while the concerts had been going on, she understood that both Lexa and Anya were busy, but Lexa had told her mom that she would be home after the concerts finished. She hadn’t been home in a little over three years, her mom had been out to see them when they were on the road, but she hadn’t been able to spend that long with Lexa and Anya because she had to get back to work. That had been fine with Lexa, it made it easier to keep her addiction from her mom.

While she was running through everything in her head, the door to the small dressing room opened and Titus walked in. Lexa hadn’t taken anything that day, she’d made a conscious decision not to, though she had taken a couple of pills before going on stage, just to take the edge off. She really wasn’t in any fit state to deal with Titus and his bullshit. She knew that he would’ve talked to the record company rep, so he would know what had been talked about.

“So,” Titus said, quietly locking the door to the room after he closed the door behind him, “I hear that there’s a chance this was your last gig.”

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a nod, “this isn’t the life I wanted, Titus, you know that.”

“Do you have any idea how many girls would give everything to be in the position you’re in?” he said, “I’ve been managing bands and solo acts for twenty years, and I don’t think I’ve ever come across someone with even half of the natural talent that you have, Lexa, you have a gift, why do you want to throw that away?”

“Because this isn’t me, Titus,” Lexa said with a sigh, “some people are made for this life, I’m not. I don’t want it; I don’t want any of it. For a little while I’d get that adrenaline rush from being on stage, that rush that comes from hundreds or thousands of people screaming, but that wore off pretty quickly. I can’t live my life like this anymore, I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time.”

“You think the record company are going to make it that easy for you to just walk away?” he asked, shaking his head a little as he took something from the inside pocket of his jacket, “Grounders are one of their top grossing bands, you are the lead singer of Grounders, the poster girl…”

“I’m just one person,” Lexa said, clenching her jaw a little, “one person can be replaced.”

“Let me guess, your plan is to go away and get clean, then come back in 6-12 months as a solo artist,” he said, “you’ll sign a multi-million-dollar contract with some record label, and become a huge star in your own right.”

“That’s about as likely as whatever you have in your hand not doing me any damage…” Lexa said, looking at the small cylindrical object that Titus had in his hand.

“Let’s call it something to remember me by.” Titus said, holding the needle up so Lexa could see it.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “no, I don’t want it.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So you’ll still be around for a month?” Clarke asked as she sat down next to Gustus.

“I will, if Lexa wants me to be.” He replied with a nod, “when they first hired me I didn’t know what to expect, I expected Lexa to be like every other musician or famous person I’d been hired to work with before, but she really isn’t. Yes, it’s my job to protect her, that’s what I’m paid for, but in the last few years I’ve got to know her as a person. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like her before, in an odd way it’s like I care more about her than I do my own family.”

“She has that effect on people.” Clarke said with a small laugh.

“Two things I haven’t been able to protect her from, Titus, and herself,” Gustus said with a sigh, “I need to make amends for that.”

Before Clarke could reply there was a crash that sounded from Lexa’s dressing room. Clarke and Gustus looked at each other before rushing over to the door. Clarke tried to open the door but it was locked.

“Lexa,” she said, banging on the door, “Lexa, open the door.”

The sound of something smashing in the room caused Clarke to jump.

“Step aside.” Gustus said.

As Clarke moved to one side, Gustus forced the door open with his shoulder.  Titus was standing with his back against the wall, a smashed vase on the floor next to him, the vase that Clarke clearly remembered being on the table. Lexa was lying on the floor with blood pouring from a puncture wound on the inside of her elbow, her eyes opened and rolling back slightly in her head.

“Lexa,” Clarke said, rushing over to her and dropping down onto the floor next to her, “Lexa, look at me.”

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke, her eyes struggling to stay open.

“I didn’t want it…” she said, her speech slurred, “I didn’t…”

She fixed her gaze on Titus.

“What… what did you give me…” she said.

“What the hell have you done to her?” Gustus asked, grabbing Titus by his jacket.

The smaller man didn’t say anything, he kept his eyes fixed on Lexa as the used needle dropped from his hand.

“Son of a bitch.” Gustus said, punching Titus in the face, causing him to fall to the ground, “I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time.”

He flexed his hand as he looked back at Clarke and Lexa.

“Lexa,” Clarke said, softly tapping Lexa’s cheek, “no, no, stay with me, Lexa.”

As Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed, Clarke looked at Gustus.

“Someone call 911.” He yelled.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“We should’ve known he wasn’t going to just let her walk away.” Ontari said as they once again sat in the private waiting room of the hospital.

The door to the waiting room opened and Indra walked into the room.

“Mom,” Anya said, “what are you doing here?”

“I had to hear on the news that my youngest daughter is in hospital, yet again,” Indra said, “your band manager has been arrested but is in a critical condition in hospital, the bodyguard apparently beat him to a pulp, does someone want to explain to me what the hell is going on?”

“Lexa needs to tell you what’s going on, mom, I can’t, it has to come from her.” Anya said, “I’m sorry…”

“Why did they arrest Titus?” Indra asked.

“Technically, right now, it’s assault with intent…” Ontari replied, “he… he injected her with something, we don’t know what.”

“So the rumors were true?” Indra asked looking around the group, “you’re telling me my youngest daughter is a drug addict?”

“She wants to get clean,” Anya said with a sigh, “that’s why we’re taking time off, that’s why Lexa is leaving the band.”

Indra sat down on one of the empty chairs, shock clearly written on her face. At that moment, Abby walked into the room, everyone looked at her.

“First things first,” Abby said, “she’s stable for now. Tests revealed high grade heroin in her system, much to pure to be usual street bought drugs, the levels indicate that her body couldn’t cope.”

“She’s going to be okay, right?” Clarke asked.

“We don’t know yet,” Abby replied honestly, “the medication that we’ve had to give her has brought on the early stages of withdrawal, but we’re keeping her sedated so we can monitor how her body copes.”

“You said first things first,” Anya said, looking at Abby, “what’s the other thing?”

“The tests on the needle that the police brought show two different blood types.” Abby said.

“He injected her with a dirty needle?” Echo asked.

“It seems that way, yes,” Abby said with a nod, “the other blood indicates advanced HIV.”

Clarke got up and rushed to the small bathroom connected to the waiting room and threw up what was in her stomach.

“What happens now?” Indra asked.

“We’re not going to know for approximately 3 months whether Lexa is infected,” Abby said, “we’ve started her on a course of anti-retroviral drugs, studies have shown that these particular drugs have a high success rate of stopping the infection in people who have come in contact with positive blood, there’s an extremely good chance that she won’t develop HIV.”

“But we won’t know for 3 months?” Anya asked.

“Unfortunately not, no,” Abby replied, “I’m sorry.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lincoln's birthday rolls around, Lexa gets released from hospital and makes a decision about her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the next update of this. We take a break from the serious angst in this part, enjoy.

 

Lexa was in hospital up until the day before Lincoln’s birthday, Abby had suggested she go into an in-patient programme to help her get clean, but Lexa really didn’t want that. Along with Clarke, Anya and Gustus, they had come up with a plan. Lexa could leave the hospital and go to the cabin that she owned, Gustus and Clarke would go with her, Abby had talked to one of the addiction specialists they had at the hospital and they had come up with a methadone programme for Lexa.

Going cold turkey was never recommended by any medical professional, it’s dangerous to the body to cut out something that it is physically dependent on, going cold turkey has been known to kill people. So, they decided to plan out the methadone programme, Lexa would take a certain amount of liquid methadone daily for a couple of months before cutting the amount down, and gradually keep cutting the amount down before stopping completely. Everyone agreed that it would be the best course of action for the brunette.

The methadone programme started two days before Lexa left the hospital, giving Abby and the other doctors the chance to see how her body would react to the drug replacement. Other than feeling tired most of the time, the drug replacement had no negative effects on Lexa’s body, so everyone agreed that she could be discharged in time for Lincoln’s birthday.

When Lexa had left the hospital, with Clarke, Anya and Gustus, the press had still been waiting outside the building, so Gustus had brought the car around to the small side entrance. Lexa knew she would probably have to give a statement at some point, Titus had been taken from the hospital to the local police station and from what Lexa knew he hadn’t made any kind of statement, not that she expected him to.

With everything that had happened and what Lexa had been told since she came round in the hospital, again, she didn’t know what she should tell the press. When Abby had told her that the needle Titus had used had been dirty, she hadn’t been sure how to react. Anya and Indra had both been in the room, and Clarke had been sitting next to her bed, and they were all expecting some kind of reaction, but Lexa didn’t have one. Abby had explained to her that they wouldn’t know anything for a few months.

Lexa had always been careful, never using the same needle twice, absolutely never using a needle that someone else had used before her. She’d never even taken drugs around other users. Even though she had always been careful, she had also had herself tested every 6 months, just to be safe. She couldn’t get her head around Titus’s reasons for what he had done, not that she actually had any idea what his reasons for it would be.

 

x-x-x-x

 

The morning of Lincoln’s birthday, Lexa was sitting on the sofa in Clarke’s living room. They were staying in the city until the day after the party, when they would be going to Indra’s for dinner, before Gustus would drive them to the cabin. Lexa had woken up when Raven had gone to work, instead of waking Clarke she let the blonde sleep. They hadn’t talked about anything that was going on between them, though there had been no question of where Lexa would sleep while they were at Clarke’s, even though they had a spare bedroom.

Clarke even wanting to be around her was more than Lexa thought would happen, when they had split up Lexa honestly wasn’t sure if the blonde would ever want to talk to her again let alone see her. Now Clarke had basically said that she’d stay with Lexa at the cabin and from what Abby had said Clarke hadn’t left the hospital while Lexa had been there.

She was writing on her laptop when the blonde woke up and walked out of the bedroom. When Lexa heard the bedroom door closed she looked over and was sure she saw a relieved look on Clarke’s face.

“Hey.” Clarke said, a soft smile on her lips as she walked over to the sofa and sat down next to the brunette.

“Morning.” Lexa replied with a smile of her own, “you look a little surprised that I’m still here.”

“No,” Clarke said quickly, “well maybe a little, sorry… I mean, I woke up and you weren’t there, and I couldn’t hear the television or anything…”

“So you thought I’d left while you were still sleeping?” Lexa asked with a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said, “I just…”

“I’ll make sure I put the television on next time,” Lexa said, a small smile tugging at her lips as she glanced at the blonde, “turn it up really loud so you know I’m still here.”

Clarke laughed a little before she stood up.

“Have you eaten anything yet?” Clarke asked.

“Gustus brought breakfast over earlier,” Lexa replied, her eyes focused back on her laptop screen, “There’s a bagel for you in the fridge, and the coffee in the pot is still pretty fresh.”

Clarke furrowed her brow a little as she walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, there, just as Lexa had said, was a bagel waiting for her. She couldn’t stop the small smile on her lips when she saw what was in the bagel, Nutella and banana, she had tried getting Lexa to eat them many times when they were in high school, though the brunette point blank refused, she used to get one every morning for the blonde on her way to school.

After getting herself a coffee, Clarke took the drink and her bagel through to the living room. She noticed a small smile on Lexa’s lips as she sat down.

“I can’t believe you remembered the Nutella and banana bagel.” Clarke said as she took a bite out of the bagel.

“Like I could forget,” Lexa said with a laugh, “you swore it was the best thing you’d ever tasted.”

“Best breakfast food I’d ever tasted,” Clarke said, correcting her, “it’s not my fault you disagree.”

“From what Gustus said, the woman at the coffee shop agrees with me going by the look on her face when he asked for it,” Lexa said, “just admit it, Clarke, you’re weird.”

“What are you up to?” Clarke asked, causing Lexa to look at her, so she motioned to the laptop.

“Trying to write a statement that can be put out to the press.” Lexa said, “It’s not going too well though.”

“Why do you need to make any kind of statement?” Clarke asked in reply.

“It needs to be done,” Lexa said with a sigh, “there’s already enough rumors going around about what happened. I’m not going to tell them what happened, just explain my reasons for leaving the band.”

“So you’re definitely leaving the band then, not just taking time off?” the blonde said.

“Definitely leaving,” Lexa said with a nod, “time off isn’t going to change anything, I’ll still be unhappy, it’ll just put me back in a position I don’t want to be in. Being in that environment will make me unhappy, I’ll end up taking the same way out.”

“Speaking of which,” Clarke said, “have you taken your methadone this morning?”

“No,” the brunette replied, shaking her head, “not yet. It makes me tired, I wanted to try and get this written out first, but it’s just not happening. Plus I figured I should wait for you to get up, then you’d know I’ve taken it, your mom said you’re supposed to be supervising anyway, right?”

Lexa closed her laptop and put it down on the coffee table before she stood up and walked into the kitchen, she took the methadone out of the fridge and poured out the correct measurement in the small measuring cup. She turned and saw Clarke standing in the doorway of the kitchen, a sympathetic look on her face. Lexa drank the liquid before getting a glass of water and drinking that too. She then opened the kitchen draw and took out the pill organizer, opening the right flip lid section she tipped the four pills out into her hand before taking them as well.

“Any side effects from those?” Clarke asked as Lexa put the pill organizer back in the drawer.

“I get a little light headed from time to time, and sometimes feel sick,” Lexa said as she closed the drawer, “your mom already explained to me that the light headedness comes from high blood sugar, and feeling sick is a common side effect.”

The buzzer near the apartment door sounded, causing Clarke to look in the direction of the door before looking back at Lexa.

“That’ll be Gustus,” Lexa explained, “he went out to make sure Lincoln’s birthday present was ready.”

“What did you get him?” Clarke asked as the pair walked towards the door.

“I got him a new truck.” Lexa replied, causing Clarke to shoot her a look, “What?”

“You got him a new truck?” the blonde asked.

“Yeah, Octavia said he’d been after one for a while, so I figured I’d get him it.” Lexa said with a shrug.

“Just how much money do you have now?” Clarke said.

“Enough.” Lexa said with a small smile.

Clarke lifted the handset on the buzzer.

“Yeah.” She said, “hey Gustus, come on up.”

It didn’t take long after Clarke pushed the buzzer for there to be a knock at the door, she opened it and let Gustus in.

“Good morning, Clarke.” He said with a smile.

“Hi.” Clarke replied, closing the door behind him.

“Delivery is set for 7:30 tonight,” Gustus said to Lexa as the three of them walked back into the living room, “it has all the extra’s that you asked for, they’ve even thrown in a better sound system free of charge.”

“Of course they have.” Lexa said with a laugh as she sat down on the sofa, Clarke sitting near her and Gustus taking one of the chairs.

“The record company called me earlier,” Gustus said as he looked at Lexa, “they wanted you to know that they’ve been getting more calls about what happened and are considering releasing a statement. They also wanted to know if you had anything you wanted to add to any statement they release.”

“I’m actually working on something,” she said, motioning to the laptop, “but I can’t seem to write what I want to.”

“They said that they’re wanting to put out the statement on Monday morning,” Gustus said, “so you have until 8am Monday morning to email them anything you want to add. They said they’re not going to make your addiction public knowledge unless you choose to do that, they also said the reason they’re waiting until Monday is because you’ll be out of the city by then.”

“That’s the plan.” Lexa said with a nod.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Are we sure going out is a good idea?” Raven asked Clarke as they sat in the living room with Anya, Octavia, Lincoln and Bellamy while Lexa was finishing getting ready, “we could just hang out here.”

“I’d be okay with that,” Lincoln said with a shrug, “I mean, every one I’d want here is here.”

“That’s sweet.” Octavia said, kissing his cheek.

“You’ve arranged to have your party at The Dropship,” Lexa said as she walked out of Clarke’s bedroom, “so that’s where we’re going.”

“And how long will it be with you there before someone lets the press know,” Raven said, “or until someone posts something online?”

“I don’t care,” Lexa replied, “Ryder has a no press policy, as for people taking pictures and posting them online, let them.”

The front door opened and Gustus walked in, Clarke had given him a key as he went downstairs and waited for Lincoln’s birthday present to arrive. As he walked past Lexa he handed her the keys to the truck.

“So,” Lexa said as she looked at Lincoln, “I was trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday…”

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Lex,” Lincoln said, “you’re here, that’s enough of a gift for me.”

“Well that’s not enough of a gift for me to give you,” Lexa replied with a small smile, holding up the keys for the truck, “so I may have got you something else.”

“You didn’t.” Octavia said, her eyes widened a little.

Lexa shrugged, a smile tugging at her lips as Lincoln stood up and took the keys off her.

“It’s downstairs.”  She said.

As everyone was ready to go to The Dropship they all went downstairs. As soon as Lincoln saw the truck he pulled Lexa into a hug.

“Happy birthday.” Lexa said as she returned the hug.

“This is amazing.” Octavia said as she ran her hand over the hood of the car, “must have set you back quite a bit.”

“I’m not telling you how much it cost, O.” Lexa said with a laugh.

As everyone was fussing over the truck, Clarke stayed standing next to Lexa, a soft smile on her lips as she glanced at the brunette.

“I think you’ve just made his year.” Clarke said.

“Well I had three years of missed birthdays to make up for.” Lexa replied with a smile and a shrug.

“If that’s the case, what do I get for my birthday?” Clarke asked, a smirk tugging at her lips.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Lexa asked in reply as she looked at the blonde.

“You to be there.” Clarke replied honestly.

“I think I can manage that.” Lexa said with a small nod.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“How the hell did the press know where we were going to be?” Anya asked as Gustus drove closer to The Dropship.

“I’m guessing they found out that we all used to hang out here and put two and two together.” Lexa replied with a sigh.

“We can still go back to Clarke’s.” Lincoln said as he looked at Lincoln.

“We’re here now.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little.

“We’ll all go first.” Anya said, “you wait for Gustus.”

Lexa nodded a little as Anya opened the door and got out, followed by Raven, Octavia, Lincoln and Bellamy.

“You okay?” Clarke asked as she looked at Lexa.

“I was going to have to face them eventually, right…” Lexa said with a sigh.

“Ready?” Gustus asked as he looked back at them.

“Yeah.” Lexa replied with a nod.

Gustus got out of the car before he walked around and opened the door, letting Lexa and Clarke out of the car, before closing the car door and walking with the two girls towards the door of the bar.

“Lexa!” One of the photographers shouted, which set the rest of them off shouting to get her attention.

The brunette kept her attention fixed on the street in front of her as Gustus cleared a path to the door, as soon as they were inside Lexa let out a sigh of relief.

“I would say thanks for the free promotion, but they’re kind of blocking the entrance.” Ryder called over to her.

“I’ll get rid of them.” Gustus said as he turned around and went back outside.

Clarke and Lexa walked over to the bar where everyone else was already waiting.

“What can I get you?” Ryder asked.

“Just a coke for me.” Lexa said with a small smile.

“You not drinking tonight?” Bellamy asked.

Lexa shook her head, Bellamy obviously not realizing that she couldn’t really drink with the medication that she was on.

“Am I setting up a tab?” Ryder asked.

“Yeah,” Anya replied, before Lexa could say anything, “I’ll pay it before we leave.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So why are you not drinking?” Bellamy asked as he and Lexa sat in the booth in the VIP area of the bar.

“Can’t,” she said, “well I can, but I can’t drink a lot so I might as well not drink at all.”

“Is that because of what Abby has you taking?” he asked, causing her to nod, “makes sense, I guess. How are you feeling about everything, I mean it’s gotta be pretty scary to find out that you might have… you know.”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Lexa replied with a small shrug, “I’ve spent the last three years being really careful about making sure everything was clean and sterile, and then… I honestly haven’t given it much thought, no point worry about it until I know what’s going on. It’s not a death sentence anymore, but… I don’t know.”

“Are the police pressing charges?” Bellamy asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Lexa said with a nod, “not sure what they’re charging him with though. The record company are releasing a statement on Monday, I’m emailing them something to add to it, I’m pretty sure they’ve fired Titus.”

“You going back after the time off?” he said.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I’m done.”

“So you’re going to stick around then.” He said.

“That’s the plan.” She replied with a smile.

At that moment Clarke made her way back to the booth and sat down next to Lexa, Anya and Raven following behind her.

“How are you boring people doing?” Clarke asked, looking at Bellamy and Lexa.

“I’m not boring,” Lexa said, her brow furrowed a little, “you know I don’t like to dance.”

“If I remember rightly you used to like dancing a lot.” Clarke said with a small smile.

“Depends on the person I’m dancing with, and how many people are around.” Lexa replied, returning the smile.

“Will you come and dance with me, Lexa?” Clarke asked.

Lexa sighed.

“Please.” The blonde said, a small pout on her lips.

Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed again, she never could say no to Clarke.

When the two made their way downstairs to where the small dance floor was, Lexa could feel a lot of people looking at her, Clarke simply took her hand and walked to where Octavia and Lincoln were dancing. As she turned to face Lexa, the song turned into something slower, the brunette swallowed hard as she felt a lump growing in her throat as Clarke stepped closer to her. Her eyes flittered around the crowded dance floor.

“Just concentrate on me.” Clarke said with a soft smile as she placed Lexa’s hands on her hips, before moving her own arms up, draping her arms over Lexa’s shoulders.

As they started to move to the slow beat of the music, Clarke moved closer to Lexa, resting her head on the brunette’s shoulders as Lexa’s hands moved from her hips to the small of her back. Neither of them noticed the small smile that Lincoln and Octavia shared as they looked at them before looking at each other.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Everyone decided to go back to Clarke’s after The Dropship, where they ordered pizza and sat around talking. Lexa decided to check her twitter account while they waited for the pizza. She groaned as she saw most of her twitter mentions had photographs attached, pictures that people had taken of her at The Dropship. A lot of them asking her if she and Clarke were back together, others asking if she was feeling better after her stay in hospital. She figured she should probably tweet something.

@ **LexaWoods** : Had a great night at @ **TheDropship** for my bestie’s birthday #greatnight #greatpeople

As her notifications started to go up again she put her phone down on the coffee table before looking at the people around her. Raven and Anya started arguing about who had managed to drink more one night in college, Lexa remembered the night well, she and Clarke had ended the night by literally carrying Raven back to her dorm room.

While she was listening to the argument, one she had heard many times before, her eyes found Clarke’s. The blonde smiled, and Lexa couldn’t stop the matching smile spreading across her own lips.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot shorter than I wanted it to be, but I now have a monster migraine and physically cannot write anymore at the moment, but wanted to get a chapter up. Hopefully you enjoy it, hopefully the next chapter will be longer.

 

Lexa hadn’t been able to sleep the night before going to dinner with her mother. She hadn’t really talked to Indra much over the previous three years, as her mother had pointed out to her a few times she’d had to find out what was going on with Lexa by talking to Anya, and obviously Lexa knew that Indra would have more than a few questions about what had happened with Lexa’s drug use. The more she sat awake in the living room thinking about it, the more she got stressed out, and the more anxious she was feeling about it.

One thing that Lexa had never wanted to do was disappoint her parents, the look she had seen on Indra’s face when the woman had been at the hospital was one that Lexa believed to be disappointment. She knew she had two choices, she could stick around and deal with it, or she could leave Clarke’s apartment now. It would have been so easy for Lexa to leave Clarke’s apartment and disappear, and a big part of her was thinking that would be a good idea. Lexa couldn’t help but think how much easier it would be for everyone if she left.

While Lexa was thinking about everything, she really started doubting that she could be the person that everyone deserved her to be. It had been days since she’d taken heroin, the thought of the drug was never really far from her mind, Clarke and the others had been doing their best to keep her mind on other things, but it was always there in the back of Lexa’s mind.

As she stood up from the sofa and put her hoodie on she didn’t hear Raven’s bedroom door open.

“Going somewhere?” Raven asked, as she walked into the living room.

Lexa didn’t say anything, her eyes flicked from Raven to the front door of the apartment.

“Right,” Raven said with a nod, walking over to the sofa, “I’m not going to stop you leaving, I went through all that shit with my mother, I don’t need to go through it with you too.”

Lexa didn’t move towards the door, she stayed standing where she was, her jaw clenched.

“What I will ask though, is why you’re wanting to go now?” Raven said, “you’ve been out of the hospital for three days, what’s brought this on?”

“I don’t know if I can do this, Raven, I…” Lexa started to say.

“Do what?” Raven asked, “get clean? Stay here?”

Lexa again didn’t say anything, she dropped down on the sofa next to where Raven was sitting.

“Look,” Raven said, turning slightly so she could look at Lexa, “nobody ever said this was going to be easy, there are going to be times when there’s nothing you want more than to go out there and shoot up. If that’s what you want to do, then do it, I’m not going to stop you. What I will say is if you are going to leave, don’t come back. We all love you, Lex, we want to support you through this, but you need to want to do this. You need to want to do this for you, not for anyone else, not for Anya, not for your mom, not for Clarke. You need to do it for you.”

“And if I can’t?” Lexa asked.

“I’ll be honest with you, most people fail the first time,” Raven replied with a shrug, “addiction is an evil thing. It doesn’t just affect you, it affects those people around you, those people who love you. It’s a fight, one that only you can decide if you want.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was lying awake in bed; she had woken up when Lexa had gotten out of bed and left the room. She was waiting to hear the front door open and close, she knew that she shouldn’t think like that, but she really couldn’t help it. There was that little voice in her head telling her that Lexa was going to leave. Her mom had already told her that it was a risk, that there was a chance that Lexa would take off at some point. As much as Clarke didn’t want to think that Lexa would do that, she knew it wouldn’t be Lexa, it would be her addiction.

She could hear Raven talking to Lexa, she couldn’t hear what was being said though. There was nothing that Clarke wanted more than to support Lexa through this, though she was struggling to know just what to say to her about it. She didn’t want to push her to talk about it before she was ready, she didn’t want to put pressure on Lexa to confront something that she wasn’t ready to. Something else that was really playing on Clarke’s mind was whether or not Lexa was going to get HIV from the dirty needle that Titus had used.

Lexa herself had said that there was no point in worrying about it until they knew either way, she also pointed out that it wasn’t a death sentence anymore, but they both knew that if she did get a positive diagnosis it would change both of their lives forever. Clarke could understand, in a way, why Lexa didn’t want to worry about it, as there’s no point in worrying about something that you can’t change. But Clarke also wanted Lexa to seriously consider the fact that she might get a positive diagnosis so they could figure out how they would move forwards.

There had been a time when Clarke hadn’t been able to imagine her life without Lexa in it, then their relationship had ended, well Lexa ended it, and Clarke had to start considering her future without the brunette. Lexa had been such a massive part of Clarke’s life from High School through to college, when the relationship came to an end, it was almost like she was lost for a while. It felt like she was falling and didn’t know which way was up.

She heard Raven’s bedroom door open and close again, so she laid there in her bed and waited to see what Lexa was going to do. She didn’t have to wait long before her bedroom door opened and Lexa walked back inside the room.

The brunette looked over at the bed and saw that Clarke was awake. She took the hoodie that she was still wearing off and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked as she sat up in bed, resting her back against the headboard.

“I don’t know,” Lexa replied honestly, “I’m kind of freaking out about dinner with my mom, which is really stupid, I know it’s stupid… I know she’s going to have questions, but I don’t know if I have the answers she’s going to want.”

“Anya’s going to be there, right?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Lexa said with a small nod, “I’m not sure that’s going to make it any easier though. My mom is going to want to know why I started doing drugs, the simple answer to that is that I wasn’t happy. But saying I wasn’t happy is going to make it seem like I’m placing the blame on Anya and the others, and I’m not doing that…”

“Lex,” Clarke said, softly placing her hand on Lexa’s back, causing the brunette to turn and look at her, “I know that you’re one of those people that will take responsibility for your actions, you always have done, but you’re not entirely to blame for this.”

“But I am,” Lexa replied, “it was my choice to take those drugs, I can’t blame Anya, the band or even Titus for that. It was my choice.”

“But you wouldn’t have considered doing that if you weren’t in the band.” Clarke said.

Lexa wasn’t sure what to say, she knew Clarke was right, but she also knew that she couldn’t place the blame on anyone else.

She laid back on the bed, resting her head on Clarke’s lap, the blonde starting to run her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

There had been many times when Clarke and Lexa had been younger that they had been in a similar position. It always calmed Lexa, it was something that had caused her to fall asleep many times.

“Were you going to leave?” Clarke asked, before Lexa could fall asleep.

“I was thinking about it,” Lexa replied, taking Clarke’s free hand in hers, “I couldn’t help but think that maybe it would be easier for everyone if I did. I’ve already put everyone through so much, I…”

“Lexa,” Clarke said, interrupting her, “we’re all here for you, whatever it takes, however long it takes.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm sorry. Life got really busy, I've been working on writing an original story, and needed to take a step back from everything else to do that. But I'm back now, just in time for Christmas. Hopefully you all enjoy this update, drop me a comment and let me know.

Lexa was sitting in the passenger seat of the car outside her mom’s house, she could tell that Anya was already there as the older girl’s car was parked up, the brunette’s hands were sweating she really wasn’t looking forward to what she knew was coming. Clarke was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, patiently waiting for Lexa to be ready. Clarke’s phone beeped, causing Lexa to look at her. The blonde read the message before putting her phone back in her pocket.

“Gustus said that he’s just arrived at the cabin,” Clarke said, responding to the questioning look in the brunette’s eyes, “he’s going to pick up food and make sure that everything is ready for when we get there.”

“Any word on whether the press are still digging around?” Lexa asked with a sigh.

“Aren’t they always?” Clarke asked in reply, “another of the doctors at the hospital called my mom last night and told her that they’d been offered a lot of money to get hold of your medical records, money which they of course turned down.”

“It’s only a question of time before they approach someone with the right amount of money and my records will be on the front page of every paper in the city.” Lexa said, resting her head back on the headrest of the seat.

“They’ll have to approach one of the nurses rather than a doctor,” Clarke said honestly, “no matter the amount of money that they’re offering it’s not worth a doctor losing their licence over, which is what will happen. If they do go to a nurse then nothing is going to happen, because none of the nurses have access to any records like that, they can only see the records of the person they are currently treating. My mom has your records locked up pretty tightly, and any person trying to access them on a computer has to input a passcode.”

“I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth all the trouble,” Lexa replied, “part of me thinks it would be easier if it was all out there.”

“If you want it all out there it has to be on your terms, Lex,” Clarke said with a soft smile, “nobody else can make that choice for you.”

“Titus could.” Lexa said with a shrug.

“Titus still isn’t in a position to be talking to anyone,” Clarke said, “they had to wire his jaw closed after Gustus finished with him.”

The door to the house opened and Anya stood looking out at them.

“Guess my time is up, huh…” Lexa said.

“It’s dinner, Lex,” Clarke said, “your mom knows not to push with the questions.”

“You talked to my mom about this?” Lexa asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at the blonde.

“I didn’t,” Clarke replied, “my mom did. Your mom called her and asked her advice, my mom basically told her to let you get it out at your own pace.”

“I’m bored of people treating me with kid gloves,” Lexa said with a sigh, shaking her head as she reached for the door handle, “I won’t break, Clarke.”

Clarke let out a sigh of her own as Lexa got out of the car, slamming the door a little harder than was necessary. Lexa had been stressed out since the early hours of the morning when she had given up on trying to go to sleep, from what Clarke could tell the brunette had managed a grand total of two hours sleep that night, though the blonde knew she was lucky that Lexa hadn’t left altogether.

Clarke got out of the car and walked to the house, walking in through the front door which Lexa had left open.

“Everything okay?” Anya asked as Clarke walked into the living room, the blonde looking around to try and see where Lexa went, “she went straight into the bathroom.”

“She didn’t get much sleep last night,” Clarke replied with a small sigh, “she’s a little… short tempered.”

“Didn’t your mom say that would happen anyway?” Anya asked, “with coming off the drugs and all?”

“Yeah, she said it might happen,” the blonde said with a nod, “I’m not sure if it’s got anything to do with that really though, she was stressing last night about today, worried about what your mom is going to want to ask her.”

“You two done talking about me yet?” Lexa asked, walking through the living room and towards the kitchen.

“Lexa…” Clarke said, with a sigh.

“Something tells me it’s going to be one of those days.” Anya said with a sigh of her own.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“So,” Indra said, while the four of them were sitting at the dinner table, eating the meal she had cooked, “how long are you going to be out of the city?”

Clarke looked at Lexa, she wasn’t sure how long the brunette was planning on staying out of the city as she had no idea how long it was going to take for Lexa to feel comfortable back in the city again, or how long it was going to take for the media circus to die down.

“I’m not sure yet,” Lexa replied, her eyes fixed on her plate, “maybe a couple of months, maybe more…”

“And Gustus is going with you?” Indra asked.

“For a month, yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, still not looking at her mom, “not sure what’s going to happen after that, he’s still contracted to the record company, not to me, so he works for them…”

“Is he someone that you want around you?” Indra said, causing Lexa to finally look up at her with her brow furrowed a little, “all I mean is he didn’t really do anything to stop…”

“Can we not talk about that right now,” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little, “Gustus did his job, it wasn’t his job to protect me from myself.”

“Are you not hungry?” Anya asked, motioning to Lexa’s plate.

“Not really,” Lexa said with a sigh, “the drugs they have me taking are messing with my taste buds and my appetite.”

“I can make you something else.” Indra said, moving to stand up.

“It’s fine,” Lexa replied, shaking her head, “I’ll eat what I can.”

Lexa knew that her mom had made the food especially as it had been her favourite when she was growing up, she knew how much effort her mom had put into it, so she pushed herself to eat more.

“Don’t force yourself to eat it.” Clarke said quietly.

“I have some mint chocolate chip ice cream,” Indra said, causing a small smile to tug at Lexa’s lips, “maybe you’d like that instead.”

“What happened to not having ice cream till I’ve eaten my dinner?” Lexa asked, looking at her mom, a small smile still on her lips.

“I’m sure we can ignore that just this once.” Indra replied, standing up and taking Lexa’s plate from in front of her, before she walked back into the kitchen.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“How’s she really doing?” Indra asked Clarke as the two stood in the kitchen, waiting for the coffee to be ready after dinner had been finished.

“Honestly,” Clarke said, “I don’t know. I’d love to be able to tell you that she’s doing okay, but right now I can’t say that. Over the last few days she’s been doing okay, but today’s different. She didn’t really get much sleep last night, which I think has led to her short temper today.”

“Perhaps once you’re out of the city it’ll be better.” Indra said.

“I hope so.” Clarke said with a small nod.

“It’s good that she has you,” Indra said, pouring out the mugs of coffee, “after everything that happened between you…”

“I think what hurt me most when our relationship ended was that I lost her completely,” Clarke replied, furrowing her brow a little as she looked down at her hands, “it was a big adjustment to go from having her there all the time since junior high, to having her gone. But I think I probably had it easier than she did, I still had Raven, Octavia, Lincoln… Lexa walked away from everyone because she thought it would be easier for me.”

“She’d give you the world if she could.” Indra said with a soft smile.

“I don’t want the world,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I just want her to get better.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke followed the directions that Gustus had given her to the cabin. As she had driven down the road closest to the cabin she couldn’t help but wonder where it was, then she had seen the small dirt road with the ‘private property’ sign. She would have asked Lexa for directions, rather than driving up and down the main road three times before she saw the dirt road, but the brunette was fast asleep and Clarke really didn’t want to wake her up.

Anya and Raven were going to the cabin the following day, and would be staying there for a few days, Abby had said to call her if they needed anything and had also said she’d be there two days after they got there to drop off Lexa’s next bottle of methadone. Anya had wondered why Abby couldn’t just give it to them before they left, but after a little chat with Raven she understood it; all it would take was Lexa to have a really bad day and she could take all the methadone at the same time and overdose.

Clarke drove down the dirt road, hoping she was going the right way, she really didn’t want to get arrested for trespassing on someone else’s property. She saw lights on in the building which sat at the end of the road. As she parked the car she couldn’t help but look at the building, it was a two-storey building, and it had been built with a mix of classic stone and floor to ceiling windows.

“Giving me Twilight feels…” Clarke mumbled to herself.

“I promise I’m not about to introduce you to a family of Vampires.” Lexa said, causing the blonde to look at her.

“Hey.” Clarke said with a soft smile.

“Did you have any trouble finding the place?” Lexa asked.

“I think I drove past the dirt road three times before actually seeing it.” Clarke replied, causing Lexa to laugh a little.

“Good,” the brunette said, “it might stop the media finding the place.”

“What happens if they do find it?” Clarke asked.

“There’s not much I can do about it,” Lexa said with a shrug, “I could hire a security firm, but there’s no way they’d be able to stop anyone walking through the forest to find it. I’m really hoping that something else happens that makes all this yesterday’s news.”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.” Clarke said with a small sigh, “Anyway, do you want to give me the tour?”

“You want a tour of the forest or just the building?” Lexa asked, a small smirk tugging at her lips, “cause I think the forest tour will have to wait till tomorrow or we’ll end up getting lost and Gustus would have to come and find us.”

“That’d be an adventure.” Clarke said with a laugh, “but the forest tour can wait, the building tour will do for now.”

The pair got out of the car, as they walked up to the door of the cabin Gustus opened the door for them.

“You want to rethink that Vampire thing?” Clarke asked, glancing at Lexa, making the brunette laugh a little.

Lexa pointed up towards the top of the door, there was a small camera.

“That makes more sense.” Clarke said with a nod, walking past Gustus and into the cabin.

“Vampire thing?” Gustus said to Lexa, his brow furrowed a little.

“Twilight feels,” Lexa replied, “then you just open the door before we knocked.”

“Ah.” Gustus said with a nod, “How did it go with your mom?”

“Could’ve been better, could’ve been worse,” Lexa said with a sigh, “there were a lot of things she wanted to ask, but didn’t, so I guess all that is to come at a later date.”

Gustus nodded a little, following Lexa through to the main living room area where Clarke had gone. They found the blonde girl looking at the photographs that Lexa had put on top of the fireplace. There were pictures of Lexa with Anya, photographs from high school with the whole gang, and other photographs of Lexa with Clarke.

“You kept all these…” Clarke said, glancing back at Lexa before looking back at the photograph she was holding in her hand which was of the two of them on prom night.

“Of course I did.” Lexa replied, walking over to one of the cabinets and crouching down, opening one of the doors on the bottom and taking out a photo album, “most of them are in here though.”

“You girls hungry?” Gustus asked.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I wouldn’t say no to some hot chocolate though.”

“Clarke,” Gustus said, “can I get you anything?”

“I could go for some hot chocolate.” The blonde said with a nod.

Gustus nodded and walked from the room, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone in the living room. Lexa held the photo album out towards Clarke, the blonde took it and walked over to the sofa before sitting down, Lexa followed behind her sitting down.

Clarke opened the photo album and started looking through the pictures. Most were from junior high school or high school, others were from their first year at college. Clarke smiled as her mind took her back to those times, happy times, when none of them had a care in the world.

She saw a photograph of herself, asleep on Lexa’s bed, she didn’t remember when it was from.

“When’s this one from?” she asked, looking at Lexa.

“That was our last Christmas together,” Lexa replied, “Raven had woken us all up at 5am to open presents at your moms, then we went to my moms, opened more presents. Too many presents and too much food leads to that as an end result… I actually had that picture pinned up next to my bed on the tour bus for a while…”

“Do you ever think about what things might be like if you hadn’t joined Grounders?” Clarke asked.

“All the time,” Lexa said with a nod, “I sometimes think that everything happens for a reason, but then I think about the way things have gone and I can’t help but wonder what the reason for it was. My mom always told us that we had to do what made us happy, but I didn’t do that, I did what made other people happy and didn’t really think about what I wanted for myself.”

“It didn’t make me happy.” Clarke said with a quirk of her eyebrow and a small smile, “I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to do what was right for you, and I honestly thought that you were doing that.”

“I was happy for a while,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “but during those first few months, the more I was away from home, away from family and you, I… it’s like my life lost all reason, and I found something that took my mind off everything. Nothing mattered, I didn’t care…”

“All those times you called me…” Clarke said.

“I needed to know you were still out there,” Lexa said, furrowing her brow a little as she nodded, “I needed to hear your voice.”

“You could’ve said something more than the fact that you were sorry and you missed me,” Clarke said with a soft smile, “do you remember when you asked me why I hadn’t changed my number?”

“I remember.” Lexa said with a nod, “you said you didn’t know why you hadn’t changed it.”

“I lied,” Clarke replied, causing Lexa to laugh a little, “I think if you didn’t call me I probably would’ve changed it, but… it was a connection, you know, it was the last link I had to you and I wasn’t ready to let that go.”

“When I left I thought I did the right thing,” Lexa said, clenching her jaw a little, tears burning her eyes, “I thought I was doing the right thing for you…”

Lexa stood up and walked from the room just as Gustus was walking back in with the hot chocolate.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke found Lexa sitting on her bed, her eyes fixed on the open top drawer of one of the bedside tables.

“You okay?” Clarke asked, sitting down on the bed next to the brunette.

“I’ve been sitting here for the last ten minutes just looking at it…” Lexa said, causing Clarke to lean over and look in the drawer.

There was a small foil wrap and a small hypodermic needle sitting in the drawer. Clarke looked at Lexa, she could see the conflict on her face. In the time since she had left the hospital Lexa hadn’t been around drugs, though she had thought many times about the feeling that she got when she took heroin, she hadn’t had the temptation of being that close to it. Clarke had often wondered what Lexa would do if she was given the choice, if she had the drug right there, what would she choose.

“Lexa…” Clarke said, causing the brunette to look at her, “I thought Gustus was making sure there wasn’t any of that here.”

“He didn’t know about it,” Lexa replied, looking back at the drawer, “and he wouldn’t have checked because he never comes into this room unless I’m here.”

“Do you want me to get rid of it?” Clarke asked, hoping that Lexa let her.

“No.” Lexa said quickly, shaking her head.

Clarke’s heart dropped a little as Lexa reached into the drawer, taking the small wrap in her fingers, swallowing hard as she opened it.

“You don’t need it, Lexa…” Clarke said.

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just stood up and walked to the bathroom, Clarke following her. The brunette held the wrap over the toilet, her hands shaking. Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s arm, causing her to look at her. Lexa took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, she closed her eyes and tipped the foil, the contents falling into the toilet.

“I’m proud of you.” Clarke said, reaching over and flushing the toilet.

“If you weren’t here…” Lexa said, opening her eyes and looking at the blonde.

“I’m not going anywhere, I told you that.” Clarke said with a soft smile, before kissing Lexa softly on the forehead.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a worrying time for Clarke when she wakes up and Lexa isn't there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, and I know that this isn't my most popular fic, but I felt that I should update it. I hope you enjoy this part. Drop me a comment and let me know.

 

Lexa and Clarke had been out at Lexa’s cabin for about two weeks, the news had broken about Lexa’s addiction while they were there, and Clarke had found herself wishing that they were totally cut off from the world. She wished that during that time, and the time that followed, they could be living like the Mountain Men do in Alaska, no internet, no phone, nothing. She’d honestly never believed that she could wish she lived in a world with no internet connection, but as she watched Lexa’s mood darken, and the cloud that hung above the head of the woman she loved grow, she could think of nothing that would make her happier.

Lexa knew she was going to have to make some kind of statement about her addiction, she knew that a lot of people would have questions about it, especially Grounders fans, but she had been having a hard time thinking about what she wanted to say and the best way to get the statement out there. During the couple of weeks that she and Clarke had been out at the cabin, Abby had come by to reduce her methadone amount as well, which her body really wasn’t enjoying, but some minutes were better than others. She had tried to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing, trying to remind herself that it was a good thing; but all the negative thoughts she had in her mind coupled with the tremors she was getting, her new-found ability not to stay still and the constant feeling of nauseousness meant that positivity was difficult.

It wasn’t just the tremors, the inability to sit still and the nausea which was getting to her either. At times, she felt like the entire surface of her skin was on fire, other times she had constant itches which made her literally want to tear the skin off her bones. Another thing that was really bothering her was the night sweats, she could lay still and some nights she would wake up during the night feeling like she had just taken a swim fully clothed. That was when she could actually sleep, there were also those nights where she would toss and turn before lying there looking at the ceiling contemplating every way in which she had screwed up her life. On those nights, she would usually get out of bed and go and lay on the sofa, because she didn’t want to wake up the blonde who was sleeping next to her.

She knew during those nights that Clarke probably wasn’t asleep, the blonde seemed very attuned to what was going on with Lexa, and after Lexa had berated herself one time too many for keeping Clarke awake, Clarke now just pretended to be asleep as Lexa tossed and turned. She knew that Lexa constantly thought that she was being a burden, so she didn’t let her know that she kept her awake, though she was pretty sure Lexa knew, she wasn’t stupid.

Everything was becoming a struggle for Lexa, and sometimes she thought it would be better for everyone if that struggle just came to an end. When Abby had been at the cabin she had asked Lexa how she was doing, Lexa had been brutally honest with her, which had surprised Abby. Lexa knew Abby was right when she said there wasn’t a quick fix to what she was going through, that it was a battle, and a battle that only Lexa could win, but at times she just didn’t have the mental strength or willpower to keep fighting.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke awoke to an empty bed, that wasn’t really that surprising to her anymore, she was starting to get used to Lexa getting up in the middle of the night and going into the living room so she didn’t disturb her. The first time she had woken up and Lexa wasn’t there, she really started to worry, but when she walked out into the living room of the cabin and saw the brunette fast asleep on the sofa she realized that she was worrying for nothing. It had taken waking up alone a few more times for her not to get that feeling of dread in her stomach when she opened her eyes to find that Lexa wasn’t there.

She got out of bed and made her way to the en-suite bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth before she went to the living room. Her brows furrowed a little when she saw that Lexa wasn’t there. There was no sign of her, no fire burning in the fireplace, no blanket thrown haphazardly on the bottom of the sofa showing that Lexa had been there at all. Clarke’s confusion grew as she walked into the kitchen and found that Lexa wasn’t there either.

She told herself not to worry too much, this had happened before, when Lexa hadn’t been in the cabin when Clarke woke up, the blonde had found her sitting on the small wooden dock which lead to the lake nearby. She grabbed her jacket and slipped on her sneakers which were by the doorway, if she had taken a little more time and paid more attention to what she was doing she would have noticed that Lexa’s boots were missing.

Clarke walked out to the lake and saw no sign of Lexa, that’s when the feeling of dread really started to build in her stomach.

“No, no, no…” she mumbled to herself as she turned and walked quickly back to the house.

When she got back she noticed that Lexa’s boots were gone, her jacket wasn’t hanging up and her car keys were gone from the small table near the door.

“Gustus!” Clarke yelled, not knowing if maybe Lexa and Gustus had gone out early that morning to get something from the closest small store.

A few seconds later she heard the door to Gustus’ bedroom open and then she saw the man, his brows scrunched together as he rubbed his eyes, Clarke obviously having woken him up.

“Is something wrong?” he asked as he looked at the blonde.

“She’s gone, Gustus,” Clarke said, “her boots are gone, her jacket is gone, and she’s taken her car.”

She could see a momentary flash of concern cross his face, before he glanced at the door then looked back at her.

“Let’s not read too much into it right now,” he said, “she may have gone for a drive or gone out to the store, let’s just give her a little time before we start worrying, okay?”

“Okay,” Clarke said with a sigh and a nod, “you’re right, no freaking out yet.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

As the hours passed and there was still no word from Lexa, the freaking out, that Clarke had not done earlier that morning, hit her with full force. She had tried calling Lexa, but her calls went ignored, she’d also sent her texts not asking where she was or what she was doing, just reminding the girl that she was there and she cared. She had also called Anya and Lincoln to find out if either of them had heard from Lexa, neither of them had but both said they would definitely keep an eye out for her and check at places she could have gone.

Clarke had no idea if Lexa had even gone back into the city, though there was a little voice in the back of her head that screamed at her that of course Lexa had gone back to the city, she needed to score. The blonde knew that Lexa was having a seriously hard time, she knew that after Abby had lowered the dosage on the methadone Lexa’s body had started to react. She’d talked to her mom about it, to see if there was anything that she could do. Abby had simply told her that Lexa needed to get used to the dosage change, and that after a few days the effects should lessen.

Anya had messaged her saying that someone had seen Lexa in a not so desirable part of the city and she was heading there to see if she could find her, but when the older Woods sister had got there, Lexa was long gone.

Clarke knew that if Lexa didn’t want to be found she had the means to completely disappear, she had taken her wallet which had her credit cards and cash in, so if she didn’t want to be found, she wouldn’t be. The blonde could only hope that wherever she was, she was safe.

The sun was starting to set, and whatever tiny amount of hope that Clarke had that Lexa would come home was starting to fade, when Lincoln called her and said that he may have found her. The first thing Clarke had done was call Gustus and tell him that Lincoln might have found Lexa, the big man had taken his car and driven back to the city to try and find her himself, leaving Clarke at the cabin in case she returned back there.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lincoln walked into The Dropship, his eyes fluttering around the place until they landed on Ryder who was behind the bar as usual. It had been Ryder who messaged Lincoln, after Lincoln had called him and said if he saw Lexa to let him know. As Lincoln couldn’t see Lexa, he walked over to the bar, Ryder walking over to him as soon as he reached it.

“Where is she?” Lincoln asked.

“Upstairs,” Ryder said, “she’s been here for hours, so she’s a little worse for wear, my security guy said she passed out about an hour ago. Is she okay? I mean, we all saw the news articles and stuff…”

“She’s been doing okay,” Lincoln said with a nod, “hasn’t used since the night of the last Grounders gig, as far as any of us know. But, there’ll always be bumps in the road, you know.”

Ryder nodded a little and sighed.

“I really hope she gets better.” He said, “she’s special.”

“Yeah,” Lincoln replied, “she is.”

As Ryder walked away to serve someone, Lincoln walked up the stairs to the private VIP area, the security guy dropping the rope and letting him pass. He was thankful to see the area empty, apart from Lexa who was fast asleep laying on the seat of one of the booths. With a sigh, he walked over to the booth.

“Lex…” he said, shaking her shoulder lightly to wake her, “come on, Lexa, wake up.”

“Why is the room spinning.” Lexa grumbled as she opened her eyes and lifted her head to look at Lincoln, before dropping her head back down onto the seat.

“It’s your head that’s spinning.” Lincoln said with a huff of a laugh, “you’ve got a lot of people worried about you, you know.”

“I needed to forget for a while,” Lexa said, frowning as she sat up, her eyes scrunched together to lessen the impact of the lights, though the VIP area was pretty dark, “maybe I should’ve left a note…”

“Or maybe you could’ve answered your phone.” Lincoln replied.

“Left it in the glovebox of my car.” Lexa said, shaking her head, “not sure where I left my car though. Is she really mad?”

“She’s worried,” Lincoln said with a soft smile, “I’m sure the anger will come at some point, but right now she’s mostly just worried. Are you okay?”

“You mean, have I used?” Lexa asked, laughing at little as the look on Lincoln’s face told her that’s exactly what he meant, “no, I haven’t used. Wanted to, bought it, got everything I needed to do it, but couldn’t… I just… couldn’t.”

“So, you decided to come here and get absolutely shit faced instead.” Lincoln said with a laugh of his own.

“Definitely the safer choice,” Lexa replied with a shrug, “I knew Ryder wouldn’t let anything happen to me.”

“You ready to leave?” Lincoln asked.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, groaning as she did, “I feel like I have pneumatic drill machines going off in my head.”

“I’m going to call Clarke and let her know that you’re okay,” Lincoln said, getting his phone out of his pocket, “then I’m going to take you to her apartment and you can sleep there. Then tomorrow we’ll head out and find your car, okay?”

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I don’t want to go to her apartment… can you see if she can come and get me, I don’t want to…”

“I’ll see if she can come and get you.” Lincoln said with a soft smile.

“Also, tell her I’m sorry.” Lexa said, causing Lincoln to nod slightly before he walked away from the booth and called Clarke, leaving Lexa to grumble about never drinking again before she lay back down on the seat.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was up on her feet as soon as Gustus walked in through the front door of the cabin, carrying a sleeping Lexa in his arms.

“Is she okay?” Clarke asked quietly, not wanting to wake her.

“She slept most of the way back,” Gustus said as he walked through to the room that Lexa and Clarke shared, “mumbling something about unicorns, or something, I don’t know. She’s going to pay for all the drinking in the morning that’s for sure.”

Clarke watched as Gustus lay Lexa on the bed and stepped back.

“Will you be okay from here?” he asked as he looked at Clarke.

“Yeah,” she said with a nod, “I’ve got it. Thank you… for… you know.”

“Get some rest, Clarke,” he said with a soft smile, “everything will look better in the morning.”

Clarke nodded a little as Gustus walked from the room and closed the door behind him. Clarke grabbed a bottle of water from the small fridge that Lexa had in her room, along with a couple of Advil from the bathroom, putting them both down on the bedside table for Lexa to have in the morning.

She then set about removing Lexa’s boots, jeans and jacket so she could sleep better, before getting the brunette under the covers and sitting on the other side of the bed.

Lexa mumbled something about escaping to Unicorn Island before moving closer to Clarke, who couldn’t stop the laugh that came out of her mouth at Lexa’s mumblings, which caused the brunette to sleepily open her eyes and look up at her.

“Do that again…” Lexa said, resting her head on Clarke’s legs.

“Do what again?” Clarke asked.

“Laugh,” Lexa mumbled, her body obviously needing to rest, “it’s my favourite sound in the whole entire world, and I’ve missed it…”

“Get some sleep, Lex.” Clarke said as she softly ran her fingers through her hair.

“Love you…” Lexa said.

Clarke’s heart skipped a beat in her chest, in fact she was sure it skipped more than one. She knew that Lexa was drunk and probably didn’t realise what she had said, but she also knew, from past experience, that a drunk Lexa was an honest Lexa. It caused a warmth to blossom in her chest to know that somewhere deep inside her, Lexa still loved her.

“I love you too.” Clarke said quietly, knowing from the small snores that were now coming from the sleeping brunette that her words wouldn’t be heard, but she had to say them anyway.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's another shorter chapter, but I have a chest infection that is totally kicking my ass and this is the best I can do right now. It's a slightly lighter chapter than most, hopefully that's not a bad thing. Drop me a comment and let me know.

Clarke had just got out of the shower when she heard Lexa and Gustus arguing. To say it surprised her would be an understatement as, no matter what happened, the two never seemed to have a cross word to say to each other. It had been a few days since Lexa had left the cabin without telling either Clarke or Gustus where she was going, and Lexa’s mood hadn’t really improved at all. Clarke had been able to literally see the tension rising between the brunette and the big man, though she hadn’t exactly been sure why. Gustus had been there for Lexa through everything, he was the one who had been there when she broke down, and had seen her at her darkest.

As Clarke walked through to the main living room area of the cabin she saw Lexa standing by the fireplace while Gustus was standing looking out of the window.

“What’s going on?” she asked, looking between the two of them.

“He quit his job.” Lexa replied, without looking away from the fire.

“What do you mean he quit his job?” Clarke said, her brow furrowed as she looked at Gustus.

“I called the record company last night and told them I wouldn’t be going back to work for them.” He said.

“You’re contracted to…” Lexa started to say.

“The band don’t need me, Lexa,” Gustus said, interrupting her, “I wasn’t brought in for the band, they hired me for you. Yes, I signed a contract, but that contract was to make sure that you were safe, not anyone else, you.”

“But you’re still contracted to the record company,” Lexa said with a sigh, turning to look at Gustus, “you can’t give up your job for me.”

“Technically my job was to keep you safe,” he replied, “that job isn’t finished yet.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just clenched her jaw, ran her hand through her hair and walked out of the cabin.

“So,” Clarke said as Gustus sat down on the sofa, “you quit your job.”

“I can’t justify going back to work for the record company right now,” Gustus said, “she still needs me around, you still need me around. I need to be here. I can’t be working for them, trying to make sure that someone else is safe, when I won’t be able to stop worrying about what’s going on here.”

Rather than saying anything, Clarke just sat down on the other end of the sofa and waited for Gustus to continue.

“I’ve been in this business for a long time,” Gustus said when he finally decided to continue what he was saying, “never once has a client ever made this much of an impact on my life. Usually I work a set number of hours a week, I’m needed for certain jobs during the day, but with Lexa… This is the first time during a 24/7 contract where I’ve actually cared about the person I’m being paid to take care of. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my job to make sure that the client is safe, that they get from a to b with no problems, but that’s usually where it stops.”

“But with Lexa it’s different…” Clarke said with a nod.

“With Lexa it has always been different,” Gustus replied with a sigh, “with most people that I’ve worked for they’ve been doing exactly what they want to do, they love the attention they get, they live for it. It was pretty obvious to me, from the first time I met her, that this wasn’t what Lexa wanted to do. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever worked for someone who has been so unhappy. It took a while for her to open up and talk to me, but when she did I made a promise to myself that I would do what I could for her, to make this whole thing easier. I was thinking about leaving this line of work soon anyway, when my contract was over with the record company that was going to be it for me anyway. I once told Lexa that’d I’d be here for as long as she needed me, and I meant that.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

About 45 minutes had passed since Lexa had walked out of the cabin, and she still hadn’t come back, so Clarke decided to go out and look for her. Usually she would just leave the brunette to it, because she obviously wanted to be alone, but Anya and Raven would be arriving soon.

Clarke found Lexa sitting out on the small dock by the lake, the brunette obviously lost in her own thoughts as she looked out over the calm waters.

“Hey.” Clarke said as she walked closer to where Lexa was sitting, causing Lexa to look back at her before looking back out at the lake, “you okay?”

“I just keep fucking up everybody’s lives,” Lexa said with a sigh as Clarke sat down next to her, “you’re stuck out here, and now Gustus has quit his job and wants to stay here…”

“I’m not stuck anywhere,” Clarke said with a soft smile, causing Lexa to look at her with her brow furrowed slightly, “I’m here because I want to be, and I’m pretty sure that’s why Gustus wants to stay too. We both care about you, Lex, we want you to get better and we don’t want you to be alone.”

“Maybe I deserve to be alone…” Lexa replied with a sigh, resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder.

“That’s not true. Do you know why I know that’s not true?” Clarke asked, softly placing a kiss on Lexa’s head, the brunette humming slightly in response to her question, “because I’ve met you, you never deserve to be alone.”

“Anya and Raven are coming today aren’t they?” Lexa asked.

“Yep,” Clarke replied with a small nod, “they should be here in a couple of hours.”

“I think I need a nap before they get here.” The brunette said with a sigh.

“You didn’t sleep that well last night, did you.” Clarke said, already knowing the answer.

“No,” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little as she sat up, lifting her head from Clarke’s shoulder, “my body is starting to get used to the lower dosage, but for some reason sleeping is still difficult.”

“Do you want me to call my mom, see if she can get you something to help you sleep?” Clarke asked.

“Probably not a good idea,” Lexa said as she stood up, “knowing my luck I’ll probably get addicted to those too.”

“Gustus mentioned something the other night about herbal tea or something, that might help you sleep.” Clarke said.

“Maybe…” Lexa sighed, “do you know what might help me sleep right now?”

“What?” Clarke asked as she looked up at the brunette.

“If you come with me…” Lexa said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

A few hours later Clarke was woken up by a quiet knock at the bedroom door. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, she had fully intended to just lay there with Lexa until the brunette had fallen asleep, then go back out into the living room and make sure everything was ready for Anya and Raven arriving. But it hadn’t taken long, with Lexa’s head resting on her stomach, her fingers running through her hair, that Clarke had given in and allowed herself to sleep.

She slowly moved Lexa so she was lying fully on the bed, before she climbed off the bed and opened the bedroom door.

“Anya and Raven are here.” Gustus said quietly.

“Thanks.” Clarke replied, “tell them I’ll be out in a minute.”

Gustus nodded before walking away, Clarke closing the door after he left and turning back to look at the bed where Lexa was still sleeping. She knew that she had to wake her up, if she didn’t the Lexa would be even less likely to sleep during the night, but she really didn’t want to wake her as she looked so peaceful.

“Lex…” Clarke said, sitting back down on the bed, running her fingers through Lexa’s hair, “come on sleepy head, Anya and Raven are here.”

“Don’t care.” Lexa mumbled, burying her face in the pillow.

“Well I’m going to go and see them.” Clarke said, standing up.

“No…” Lexa said, reaching out and taking Clarke’s hand, pulling her back onto the bed, “stay…”

Clarke couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her as Lexa literally laid herself on top of her, meaning that she couldn’t move.

“We can’t just leave them out there.” Clarke said, “they’re guests after all.”

“I didn’t even invite them.” Lexa grumbled, her lips brushing against Clarke’s neck, causing her breath to hitch slightly, “guests are invited.”

“You did invite them.” Clarke replied, “that’s why they’re here.”

“I don’t remember inviting them,” Lexa said, “it so doesn’t count.”

As she lay there with Lexa, Clarke couldn’t help but remember the times when Lexa had stayed awake too late at college and didn’t want to get up for her early classes. The brunette was always clingy and grumpy when she didn’t want to have to get up, it made Clarke smile a little to realise that really hadn’t changed.

“I’ll make you hot chocolate.” Clarke said, knowing that Lexa never could say no to hot chocolate.

“With whipped cream?” Lexa asked as she lifted her head and looked at Clarke.

“Sure.” The blonde replied with a nod.

Lexa furrowed her brow a little as she considered Clarke’s offer, before sighing dramatically and nodding her head, which caused Clarke to laugh a slightly.

“That really is my favourite sound in the entire world…” Lexa said as she kept her eyes fixed on the blonde, “I love the way you laugh, it lights up your entire face…”

“Do you remember the first time you said that to me?” Clarke asked.

“Yep,” Lexa said with a small nod, “senior year of high school, after a drunken night at a party, we were on a sun lounger… I remember every moment of when I was with you. Those are the memories that kept me going.”

Before Clarke could reply there was another knock at the door, rather than wait for a response, Anya opened the door.

“Are you two going to bother coming out here or not?” she said as she looked at the two of them, a small smirk on her lips.

“We’ll be right out.” Clarke replied, causing Lexa to grumble something before rolling off the blonde and walking to the bathroom.

“Did I interrupt something?” Anya asked Clarke.

“I don’t know…” the blonde replied honestly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes back to the city with Anya and the others to help decide on her replacement in the band. What can go wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been a while. I don't really have an excuse, but I will say that I have to be in the right place mentally to write angst, and I haven't been lately. But this chapter is finally finished. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

“So,” Raven said as she stood in the kitchen with Clarke, “how’s she doing?”

“She has okay days and bad days,” Clarke replied, grabbing two extra mugs from the cupboard, “there don’t seem to be good days yet, but she’s getting there.”

“Has your mom said when she needs to go and have another blood test?” Raven asked.

“I need to call her about that,” Clarke said, making a mental note, “she said it would be three months before they knew for sure…”

“And if it’s positive?” the other girl said.

“Then we deal with it,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I don’t know how she’s going to react if it’s positive. I mean, she said before that it’s not a death sentence anymore, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to mess her up.”

Raven nodded a little as Clarke poured out the coffee, before motioning for Raven to pick up two of the mugs as she picked up the other two. They walked into the living room to find Anya and Lexa sitting on the sofa, watching videos on Anya’s laptop which was sitting on the coffee table.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “you’re going to have to change the entire feel of the band for her voice to fit…”

Anya nodded a little before skipping to the next video.

“What are you watching?” Clarke asked, handing Lexa her coffee, before sitting down on one of the chairs.

“Audition tapes,” Lexa replied, “to find my replacement.”

“We narrowed it down to 10,” Anya said, “we had so many videos sent in from other managers and record companies. Seems everyone believes their artist can become the new voice of Grounders.”

“You don’t sound too happy about that.” Clarke said as she looked at Anya.

“It’s stressful,” Anya admitted, “we found a sound that works for us, but we didn’t find that until Lexa joined. Now we have to decide if we’re going to rework everything, completely change our sound again, risking alienating our fans, or if we’re going to find someone who can just fit into the space that Lexa left.”

“You’re never going to find someone who can straight up replace Lexa though,” Raven said as she sat down, “that’s like an impossible task.”

“Not impossible,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “one singer can replace another singer, it’s not like I was anything super special.”

“You weren’t just the singer though,” Raven said, “you wrote the songs too, now someone else is going to be singing those songs.”

“That means I still get paid royalties, right?” Lexa smirked, looking at Anya.

“Yes, asshole, you still get royalties.” Anya said with a laugh, shaking her head, “okay, what do you think about this girl?”

 

x-x-x-x

 

After watching through the videos with Anya, Lexa had helped her sister narrow it down to a final 5. Lexa couldn’t decide between the 5, she had said she’d need to hear them in person for that, and Anya suggested setting that up for a few days’ time at their recording studio in the city. As Raven and Anya sat talking about how it would all work, Lexa excused herself and went and stood outside. Clarke could tell that Lexa probably wanted to be alone, but she just couldn’t leave her on her own, so she followed her out.

“You doing okay?” Clarke asked as she walked up next to Lexa.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “it’s weird, this is what I wanted, you know, but now that it’s happening… it’s weird. It was always so easy for me to focus on the negative aspects of Grounders, but I forgot the good times… I guess I’m just realising that I’m never going to have that again. Stupid, huh?”

“It’s not stupid, Lex,” Clarke said with a soft smile, “it was your life every day for 3 and a half years, that’s a lot to leave behind. Are you sure that you want to be involved with picking a new singer?”

“They’re my songs,” Lexa said, glancing at the blonde, “mostly, so I guess I should have some say in who sings them… will you come with me?”

“Do you want me to?” Clarke asked.

“Yes.” Lexa said with a nod, “I really do.”

“Then I’ll be there.” Clarke said with another smile, “we’ll have to take Gustus too, he’s getting like a puppy being stuck here all the time, it’ll give him something to do.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the small laugh that escaped her.

 

x-x-x-x

 

The group were sitting in the living room when Gustus returned from his trip to the closet store, it was like a small market selling mostly local produce, the shelves at the cabin needed restocking and he had offered as he had nothing better to do. Lexa was fast asleep with her head resting on Clarke’s lap, the blonde absentmindedly running her fingers through Lexa’s hair as she slept.

“I’ll make a start on dinner.” Gustus said to Clarke, “I don’t suppose you have any idea what Lexa feels like eating?”

“Nope, no idea,” Clarke said with a small laugh, lately it seemed like a guessing game the two of them played, as some days Lexa liked certain things and others she hated the same things, “maybe the pasta again with the ham and cheese sauce, she liked that last time we had it.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Gustus replied with a nod, “that okay with you two?”

“I’ll eat anything you put in front of me, big man.” Raven said.

“Sounds good to me.” Anya added.

As Gustus went through to the kitchen Clarke decided to talk to Anya about some of the things that had been running around in her head since Lexa had mentioned going back to the city.

“Are you sure that getting Lexa involved in finding a new lead singer is a good idea?” Clarke asked.

“She wrote 90% of the songs we have,” Anya replied, “it’s only fair that she gets some kind of say in who sings them.”

“I can see this whole thing from that point of view, but I can also see it from another point of view,” Clarke said with a sigh, “even though she’s only going to the studio to help you decide on a singer, you’re still putting her in an environment that doesn’t exactly have happy memories for her. She’s doing better than she was, but she’s still sick, Anya.”

“Once an addict always an addict.” Raven said, her brow furrowed a little, “you can be a recovering addict, but you’re never fully recovered, that’s what some people believe anyway.”

 

\---------------

 

Lexa was standing in the alleyway behind the studio, the others were all inside making sure that everything was ready to run through a couple of songs with each of the 5 singers that would be coming in. Lexa had told everyone she just needed some air, so nobody had really paid that much attention to her leaving, though Clarke had asked her if she wanted some company, which she had politely declined. She did need air, she did need to clear her head, but she had also got one of the sound technicians to send a text to their dealer. The name of the guy was familiar, as Lexa was pretty sure that it was the same guy she had talked to the first time she ever used.

“I heard you were getting better.” The guy said as he walked down the alleyway towards where Lexa was standing.

“That’s a matter of opinion, obviously.” Lexa replied, getting the cash out of her inside pocket and handing it to him.

After counting the cash, the guy took a small package out of his own pocket.

“That’s everything you’re going to need,” he said, hesitating slightly before handing it over to her, “are you sure you really want to do this?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met a drug dealer with a conscience.” Lexa said with a laugh, shaking her head a little.

“How long has it been since you last used?” he asked.

“A couple of months.” Lexa replied, “been on a methadone program since then.”

“Okay,” the guy said, “just to make sure that no accidents happen, use about a third of what you usually would, I’m assuming that you still need to function.”

Lexa nodded a little.

“I would say it’s a pleasure doing business with you,” the guy said as he turned back down the alleyway, “but it’s never a pleasure to see someone fall again.”

Lexa stood and watched him walk away before she went back inside the studio and to the bathroom.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“There you are.” Anya said as Lexa walked back into the main part of the studio, “We’re about ready to start.”

“Awesome.” Lexa replied, dropping herself down on one of the chairs near the sound desk.

“You okay?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed a little as she looked at Lexa.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “I’m good.”

Raven narrowed her eyes as she looked at Lexa, something was right, in fact Raven could tell that something was very wrong.

 

x-x-x-x

 

About an hour into the process, Lexa was sitting slumped down in the chair with her legs resting on the sound desk. They’d already heard two of the potential replacements, neither of which really impressed Lexa. Sure, they could both sing, but they didn’t really seem to be able to feel the words they were singing, that was a big no no for Lexa, especially when it was her songs they were singing.

“Are you high right now?” Raven asked quietly as she crouched down next to Lexa’s chair.

“Why?” Lexa asked, glancing at her, “Are you about to call me out for my shit?”

“Where did you even manage to score?” Raven said, shaking her head a little.

“It’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know.” Lexa replied, before looking over at Anya, “Are we taking a break anytime soon?”

“We have about 20 minutes before the next girl is due,” Anya said with a small nod, “I might order in some food.”

“Can you get me a milkshake?” Lexa asked.

Everyone in the room looked over at the brunette.

“You haven’t wanted a milkshake in a couple of months, Lex.” Clarke said, “not since…”

“It’s just a milkshake.” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little.

“I know,” Clarke said with a small smile, “banana?”

Lexa nodded a little, while the rest of the group decided what they wanted to eat.

 

x-x-x-x

 

After another trip to the bathroom, Lexa had gone back to the main studio area and promptly fallen asleep on the sofa. They’d decided to give two girls another shot, in a gig capacity to see how they were live, Anya was in the process of working something out with Ryder so they could do it at his club.

“Guess someone’s had a long day.” Echo said as she saw Lexa asleep on the sofa.

“She hasn’t really been sleeping well,” Clarke replied, “she’ll get a few hours on a night and then nap at random times during the day.”

Raven shook her head a little, she knew that Lexa wasn’t sleeping because she was tired. She’d been through all this before with her mother, she knew that addicts struggled a lot, and she’d also said to Lexa before that she wasn’t going to go through all that again. Rather than saying anything she went into the bathroom, it didn’t take her long to find the small package that Lexa had hidden behind the small trash can in the bathroom.

She walked back through to the main studio area and put it down on the table.

“What’s that?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed a little.

“She’s high.” Raven said, emptying the contents onto the table, “that’s why she’s asleep.”

“She said she wouldn’t…” Clarke said, looking at what was on the table before looking at Lexa’s sleeping form, “she… I can’t do this…”

Clarke picked up her jacket and walked out.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was sitting in her apartment, she’d been ignoring her phone, she really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. She couldn’t understand why Lexa had relapsed, she just didn’t understand. She knew as she wasn’t an addict herself, she would never fully understand, but she thought that Lexa had been doing really well.

A knock on the door caused her to break from her thoughts. Rather than answer it, she ignored it. A few moments later the knocks got louder, yet she kept ignoring it.

“Clarke.” Lexa shouted through the door, “I know you’re in there, open the door.”

Another few bangs on the door followed.

“I’m going to stay out here all night if you don’t let me in.” Lexa shouted.

Clarke sighed and stood up from the sofa, walking over to the door she opened it, before walking back over to the sofa and sitting back down again.

“You didn’t need to bang on the door, Lexa,” she said, “you have a key.”

“I forgot about that.” Lexa said with a laugh as she walked into the apartment and sat down on the floor in front of the sofa, looking at Clarke, “I fucked up…”

“You don’t say.” Clarke replied, humourlessly.

“I’m sorry…” Lexa said, resting her chin on Clarke’s knees as she looked at her.

Clarke couldn’t help but think that in that moment Lexa looked like a little puppy.

“I just don’t get it,” Clarke said as she looked at the brunette, “you were doing really well.”

“But I wasn’t,” Lexa replied, “maybe it looked that way on the outside, but I really wasn’t. I made Gustus hide my car keys, did he tell you that?”

“No, he didn’t.” Clarke said.

“And my phone.” Lexa said with a nod, “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this, Clarke…”

“And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be with you if you don’t.” Clarke replied honestly, “I can’t watch you slowly kill yourself, Lex, I can’t do it.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just sat there looking at Clarke.

“You’re going to have to choose,” Clarke said, “me or the drugs, you can’t have both.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly different from the others as it is more Clarke based than Lexa based. It has a few small time jumps (hopefully it's easy to understand). The next chapter will be longer than this one, but this chapter seemed to come to a natural end. Hopefully you all like it, I don't even know if 'like' is a word that I'd use to describe this particular story, but whatever lol. Don't forget to drop me a comment and let me know what you think of it.

 

Clarke had been throwing herself into her work over the previous few days, her conversation with Lexa about the brunette making a choice hadn’t gone the way that she had really hoped it would, and she hadn’t heard from her since. She’d read all about her exploits though, the media seemed to be having a field day with the fact that Lexa had finally ‘gone off the rails’. Clarke had done her best to avoid the press and all things Lexa, but there were moments in the middle of the night when she couldn’t help but sit, alone in her bedroom, and scroll through the online news reports.

Part of her had really hoped that Lexa wouldn’t choose the drugs, part of her hoped that whatever she and Lexa had would be worth the struggle, but she was obviously wrong. Raven had later said to her that getting Lexa to choose was probably the worst, and best, thing she could’ve done. Though if you try to get an addict to choose between you and the object of their addiction you’d better be prepared to lose.

She hadn’t heard anything from Gustus either, but from what Anya had told her none of them had. For some reason, Clarke just knew that Gustus would be wherever Lexa was, even if he couldn’t stop her using he would still be there to watch over her when he needed to be.

While she was sitting on the sofa drinking a coffee, while looking at yet another blank canvas, Clarke’s phone beeped with a notification of a text message.

 **Anya** : Just wanted to let you know that Titus is being charged with reckless endangerment, there’s a possibility of other charges as well but right now that’s what they’re going with.

It made sense to Clarke that reckless endangerment was the charge they were going with, she wasn’t sure if those charges would change when the results of Lexa’s HIV test were known, she didn’t even know if Lexa was going to bother getting retested. It seemed to Clarke that Lexa really didn’t care about anything other than getting high, something that broke her heart a little more each day.

 

\-----------

 

It was almost another week later when Clarke got a call from her mother in the early hours of the morning. Apparently, Lexa had been taken to the emergency room again. Abby knew that Clarke had given Lexa a choice, and she obviously knew what Lexa had chosen, but she still felt like Clarke should know. Rather than go running to the hospital Clarke thanked her mom for letting her know, and did nothing. She couldn’t go running every time something bad happened with Lexa, even though she really wanted to, she knew deep down that if she went running every time then Lexa was never going to get better. If she even wanted to get better.

In the days that followed the phone call everything went quiet on the Lexa front, there were no ‘Lexa Woods stumbles out of a club’ headlines in the media, no pictures of Lexa looking a little worse for wear, nothing. Clarke honestly started to worry, not that she hadn’t been worried before, but this worry was different. When she was reading the headlines, and seeing the photographs, at least she knew where Lexa was, now she had no idea, it was like the brunette had once again disappeared off the face of the planet.

Clarke had called Anya to see if Anya knew what was going on with her younger sister, but Anya had told Clarke that she hadn’t heard from Lexa in a few days. It seemed that nobody had.

 

x-x-x-x

 

As Clarke put the finishing touches to yet another painting, another painting that included pain filled green eyes, there was a knock at her door. She wiped the paint off her hands as she walked towards the door, no matter how careful she tried to be she always ended up with paint on her hands, Lexa had once teased her about it saying that if she didn’t know any better she’d think that Clarke actually used her fingers to paint rather than a brush.

“Gustus…” Clarke said as she answered the door, shocked to see the big man standing there as she hadn’t heard from him for a while.

“Can I come in?” Gustus asked.

“Yes, of course,” Clarke replied with a nod, stepping back from the door so he could walk inside, before closing the door behind him and following him through to the living room, “how have you been?”

“Better,” Gustus said with a small sigh as he sat down on the sofa, his eyes trailing over the painting that Clarke had been working on, “you’ve really captured her eyes…”

“It doesn’t matter what I intend to paint, it always ends up being her…” Clarke said with a sigh of her own.

“Is that going in your new exhibition?” he asked.

“No,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “every piece I’ve done over the last couple of weeks is… it’s been more like therapy I think, so they’re all really personal pieces, I’m not ready to share them yet.”

“That makes sense.” Gustus said with a nod.

“So, what brings you here?” Clarke asked, “not that I’m not happy to see you, because I am, but something tells me that you didn’t just stop round for a chat.”

“I was asked to deliver this.” He said, taking an envelope out of his pocket and handing it to Clarke.

A look at the writing on the envelope let Clarke know it was from Lexa, she would know her handwriting anywhere.

“Is she okay?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed a little as she looked at the envelope in her hands.

“No,” Gustus replied honestly, “but she will be. I know that you two haven’t really had any contact since that night, and I don’t blame you at all, but what I will say is please read the letter.”

Clarke nodded a little, her eyes still fixed on the envelope, as Gustus stood up and walked towards the door.

“Maybe I’ll see you again soon.” He said with a small smile, before leaving the apartment, closing the door as he left.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“What’s this?” Raven asked, picking up the envelope from the coffee table.

“Letter from Lexa.” Clarke replied, glancing over at her before turning her attention back to the movie that was playing on the television.

“Have you read it?” the other girl asked.

“Nope.” Clarke said.

Raven sighed a little as she put the envelope back on the table, though she knew that Lexa’s choice had hurt Clarke and she totally understood why the blonde was acting the way she was, she also knew that Clarke couldn’t just ignore everything that pertained to Lexa in the hopes that it would go away. It wouldn’t go away. Raven had known since High School that Clarke and Lexa were each other’s other half, anyone with eyes could see it, and Raven also knew that no amount of time and distance was ever going to change that.

Past experience had told her that Clarke could try and move on from Lexa but it was never going to work, not really.

“Are you going to read it?” Raven asked as she looked at the blonde.

“I don’t know,” Clarke replied with a sigh, “I’m not sure if I want to. She made her choice, Raven.”

“I know,” Raven said, “but there’s one thing you need to understand, Clarke, for an addict it isn’t a choice. Some things are mentally addictive, it’s a psychological thing, but with the drugs that Lexa was taking it was a physical addiction as well. Wanting to get clean sometimes isn’t enough, and I really believe that she wanted to get clean, most of the time. But she needed to do it for her, not for you, not for your relationship, for her. Getting clean never works if you’re doing it for someone else, it’s something that you have to want for yourself.”

“I thought she did want that.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed slightly, “she said she wanted that…”

“Yeah, and I believe she probably did,” Raven replied, “at first. We didn’t really help matters, I’m not making excuses for her, god knows that she probably makes enough excuses for herself without my help, but we put her back in an environment that we knew was harmful for her. Not only that, we left her alone in that environment.”

Clarke knew that Raven was right, of course she knew, it was one of the things that she had been battling with since she had last seen Lexa. She had told Anya that it probably wasn’t a good idea to let Lexa go back to the studio, but she didn’t want to believe that it would be that easy for Lexa to lose her very loose grip on her sobriety. But it _was_ that easy, so very easy.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke’s hands started to shake as she opened the envelope and took out the sheet of paper. She hadn’t been able to sleep, the letter from Lexa seemingly torturing her every time she closed her eyes, she knew she wouldn’t be able to turn her brain off from thinking about it until she read it. So she took a deep breath, before reading the words written on the page.

 

_Clarke,_

_I’ve tried writing this letter countless times over the previous few days, well it’s not really countless times, I could just count the screwed up balls of paper to find out how many times, but it’s been a lot. There isn’t anything I can say to make this better, I know that, and I also know that you’ll probably never understand my reasons for making the choice that I did._

_I know your mom called you when I ended up back in the hospital, and I totally get why you didn’t come, I don’t blame you, I probably wouldn’t have either. She found me a treatment program, that’s where I am now, if you were wondering. I know that we all thought this wasn’t the right way for me to get clean, but I think we were wrong. I thought Titus injecting me with the drugs he did was my rock bottom, it wasn’t, the time without you after I left your apartment that night proved that._

_I’m not even sure how many days I went without seeing you, they all just blurred together, everything blurred together. I don’t even know half of the things I did during that time, and the half that I do know is because of what was written in the press, so much for trying to be a good role model huh. Though I guess if we’re being honest, and the point of this letter is to be honest, I was never a good role model._

_You’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you, part of the program here is counselling, and as part of that we have to ask forgiveness from the people we hurt. I’ve called Anya, my mom, Gustus, and a few other people. I even called Raven, needless to say she didn’t really want to talk to me, but she listened. I couldn’t just call you though, not you. You probably wouldn’t have answered anyway, at least this way I figure there’s a chance you’ll read the letter at some point._

_So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I treated you, I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to do this the first time. I wish it was as simple as flipping a switch in my head, but it isn’t, if it were that simple you would never have been my second choice._

_I should probably wrap this up before it joins the other screwed up balls on the floor. If you do want to talk to me we have therapy sessions where family or loved ones can come, your mom has the details if you’re interested._

_I’m going to do this whole thing right this time. I don’t expect you to believe that, I wouldn’t, but I’m really going to try. Maybe one day we can talk, I hope._

_Anyway, I guess that’s all I wanted to say._

_Lexa._


	17. Important note

Explanation time, I’ve been having a difficult time with my illness (bipolar) over the last few months, my moods have been pretty manic and that isn’t a good time to try and be creative. Because of that I’ve had no access to a laptop (I actually smashed up my last one, have a new one now though) and I’ve been forcing myself to stay off the internet because I wanted to literally delete everything that I’ve ever written.

Everything has balanced out again now with new medication (and a lot of help from friends) so I’m posting this note on all of my on-going fanfictions to find out if anyone is interested in me actually continuing them as it has been so long since I updated. Reply in the comments and let me know either way.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets a couple of unexpected visitors and finally gets the results of her HIV test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you for the response to the note, it means a lot that so many of you are still interested in reading this, and were willing to wait for it. Well, the waiting is over. I really hope you enjoy this chapter, it took me a couple of days to write it to a standard where I was happy to post it. I'm still not 100% happy with it, but I think it's ready. And yes, the name for a large group of butterflies really is a kaleidoscope, cool huh.

Lexa was sitting in her room going over what she needed to before her therapy session, she’d never really put too much thought into therapy before, she still didn’t now, but it was a requirement to her getting released so she had no choice. She wasn’t sure whether or not she was actually going to be able to stay clean when she was let out, no amount of talking could guarantee that, but she was going to give it her best shot, only time would tell if her best was good enough.

A knock at her open door caused her to look up from what she was writing, it was one of the orderlies.

“You’ve got a visitor.” He said with a small smile.

“My mom again?” Lexa asked as she put the notebook down on the small bedside table.

“Nope.” The orderly said, shaking his head, “and no, before you ask, it’s not Gustus either.”

“My sister isn’t coming until tomorrow,” Lexa said, her brow furrowed a little as she stood up, thinking about who it could possibly be, “are you going to tell me who it is?”

“No,” he said, flashing her a grin, “all she said was to tell you that you’re an asshole who doesn’t deserve her visit, but she’s here anyway.”

“Raven.” Lexa said, a small smile playing on her lips as she followed the orderly from the room.

It wasn’t a long walk from Lexa’s room to the cafeteria where visitors were allowed to wait. As she saw Raven sitting at one of the tables near the window, she took a deep breath, nerves building up in her stomach. When she had called Raven, the other girl hadn’t really said much, but she’d let Lexa say what she needed to say. She really had no idea why Raven decided to visit her, after saying that she wouldn’t, but part of Lexa was glad she had, even though Lexa knew it wasn’t likely to be a pleasant experience.

She walked over to the table.

“Hey…” she said as Raven looked at her, “do you want a coffee or something?”

“Got one,” Raven said, motioning to the cup on the table, “that cute orderly got me one.”

“Right.” Lexa said with a nod as she sat down.

“How are you doing?” Raven asked.

“Better,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “not good yet, but better.”

“You look a lot better,” Raven said, “but that’s not exactly difficult, you looked like shit the last time I saw you.”

“What are you doing here, Raven?” Lexa asked with a sigh, “pretty sure you told me you weren’t going to come.”

“I did say that, didn’t I,” Raven replied, “after some thinking I realised that I was taking out all the issues I have with my mom on you, and that wasn’t fair.”

“Well, I’m glad you decided to come,” Lexa said with a small smile, “if you’d come this afternoon you could’ve witnessed me getting ripped apart in group therapy.”

“You not making friends?” Raven asked with a laugh.

“Oddly enough no,” Lexa replied with a laugh of her own, “most of them see me as a stupid rich idiot who threw away everything she had, but I’m not sure that rehab is the best place to make friends anyway.”

“When are they letting you out?” Raven said.

“Couple of weeks, I think,” Lexa said with her brow furrowed a little, “time moves very slowly here.”

“You’ll be out in time for…” Raven started to say, stopping herself from completing her sentence.

“Clarke’s birthday.” Lexa said, finishing what the other girl had stopped herself from saying, “I would ask how she’s doing, but I’m guessing you’re not going to tell me. Does she know you’re here?”

“No,” Raven said, shaking her head, “I figured it was probably best not to tell her.”

“Understandable.” Lexa replied with a nod.

“So,” Raven said, wanting to change the subject away from anything Clarke related, “any plans for when you get out?”

“Not really,” Lexa said, “I honestly haven’t given it much thought, I’m going to stay with my mom for a while, being on my own probably isn’t a good idea.”

“Not staying with Gustus?” Raven asked.

“He’ll be around,” Lexa said with a soft smile, “something tells me I’m not going to be able to get rid of him anytime soon.”

“No plans to get back into music?” Raven said.

“Honestly, no,” Lexa replied, shaking her head, “that’s part of what got me into this mess in the first place, it was never my dream, you know, it was Anya’s dream, not mine. I might go back to school or something, or I might set up some animal rescue place and spend my days in the middle of nowhere with a zoo of strays.”

“Sounds like something you’d do.” Raven said with a laugh.

 

x-x-x-x

 

When Raven arrived back at the apartment she saw Clarke sitting on the sofa, Raven’s laptop open on the coffee table in front of her.

“Where did you go?” Clarke asked.

“I had to go and see someone.” Raven replied, taking her jacket off and hanging it up before she walked into the living room.

“You went to see Lexa…” Clarke said, turning the laptop around so Raven could see what she was looking at.

Raven groaned internally as she saw that she hadn’t closed the page which had directions to the rehab where Lexa was on it.

“I…” she said, about to try and explain herself.

“Is she okay?” Clarke asked, interrupting her.

“She’s doing better.” Raven said with a small nod, walking over and sitting next to Clarke on the sofa.

“Did she say when she was getting out?” The blonde said, looking at her friend.

“Clarke, I don’t think…” Raven started to say.

“I keep thinking about going to see her,” Clarke said with a sigh as she closed her eyes and rested her head back on the sofa, “my mom thinks it might be good for me, but I don’t know if I can.”

“She doesn’t expect you to go and visit, Clarke,” Raven said, “in fact I’m pretty sure she thinks you won’t go.”

“Does she look better?” Clarke asked, opening her eyes and looking at Raven.

“Yeah,” Raven said with a nod, “she does.”

“Good…” Clarke said with a nod of her own.

Clarke stood up from the sofa and walked towards her small studio.

“She’s getting out in a couple of weeks.” Raven said, causing Clarke to stop and look back at her, “and she’ll be staying at her mom’s.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was back sitting in her room after another therapy session from hell, as she had mentioned to Raven earlier that day none of it was easier for her. Most of the people she was in the rehab facility with were from a completely different world to Lexa, a large number of them had struggled day in and day out from the time they were very young, growing up in an environment where drug use was rife and being exposed to that way of life. The vast majority of them knew who Lexa was, they knew that she literally had the world at her feet, and as far as they were concerned she threw that all away. Over the time that she had been at the facility it had gotten easier for her, she wasn’t always the focus of the comments any more, but there were still some of them.

She was reading a book, trying to take her mind of everything, when someone walked into her room.

“So,” Costia said, walking into Lexa’s room and sitting on the bottom of her bed, “rumour has it you had a visitor today.”

“I see you still haven’t learned to knock.” Lexa replied, not looking up from her book.

Costia was a girl she had met on her first day in the facility, she had a problem with prescription pain medication and was on her third stint in rehab. It hadn’t taken Lexa long to realise that the other girl had a crush on her, but she had done absolutely nothing to encourage it. She was always nice to the girl, but she never gave her any false hope that they would be anything other than friends. If they had met at a different time, in a different place, perhaps that would be different, but Lexa wasn’t interested in anything that would remotely count as a relationship with anyone other than the girl who she was pretty sure she would love for the rest of her life.

“Door was open,” Costia said, nudging Lexa’s leg, getting her to look up from her book, “so, who was it? Was it that girl you’re madly in love with?”

“It was a friend of mine from high school,” Lexa said with a sigh, closing the book and putting it on the small bedside table, knowing she wouldn’t be able to get any more reading done while Costia was there, “she shares an apartment with Clarke, actually.”

“So, the roommate comes to see you, but the girl you’re in love with doesn’t?” Costia asked, “you did ask her to come, right?”

“I said she could come if she wanted to, but like I already told you, I don’t expect her to come,” Lexa replied, “I fucked up, I know I fucked up, and it’s up to me to fix that.”

“How do you expect to fix it when she won’t even come and see you?” the other girl said.

“By getting better, getting out of here, and proving to her that this is all in the past.” Lexa said, “she gave me a choice, her or the drugs, I chose the drugs.”

“I would never make you choose…” Costia said, stopping her sentence when Lexa started laughing.

“Costia,” Lexa said, as she finally got her laughing under control, “you would never make me choose because you’re an addict. It’s pretty simple for an addict, the drugs come first. That’s why the majority of times relationships between addicts don’t work, especially addicts who meet in rehab. Sometimes, if they both want to get clean and stay clean, it can work. But most of the time it doesn’t.”

“So that’s why you won’t give me a chance?” Costia asked.

“We’ve been through this already,” Lexa replied, shaking her head as she picked up her book again, “nothing is ever going to happen between us because it wouldn’t be fair on you. I can’t be with someone if I’m in love with someone else, I just can’t. I’m getting out of here in a couple of weeks, and we’re probably never going to see each other again.”

“How are you getting out in a couple of weeks?” Costia said, “I’ve been here longer than you and you’re getting out before me?”

“You can’t admit you have a problem, Cos,” Lexa said, a soft smile on her lips, “you can’t admit that you’re an addict, and until you do, you can’t get better. This is your third time in here, surely you get that by now.”

 

\---------------

 

Three days had passed since Raven had visited Lexa, and now Clarke found herself sitting in her car outside the rehab facility. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there. She’d told herself that she wouldn’t go and see her, that she would wait for Lexa to get out and get better before even agreeing to meet her, but as always where Lexa was concerned, Clarke’s plans never lasted.

A knock on her window caused her to jump in her seat, she turned her head to see Gustus smiling at her. Rather than wind her window down she got out of the car.

“This is a surprise.” Gustus said, the smile still playing on his lips.

“I wasn’t going to come…” Clarke replied.

“So, why did you?” Gustus asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Clarke said with a small laugh, shaking her head a little, “Raven came to see her a few days ago, said that she’s doing better…”

“She is,” Gustus said with a nod, “she’s doing a lot better.”

“That’s good.” Clarke said with a nod of her own.

“It’s probably not what you want to hear, but I think the realisation that she might have lost you forever is what made her agree to this,” Gustus said with a small smile, “throughout her time with Grounders, even though you two weren’t together, you were still there and she knew that. I think knowing that you weren’t there anymore was the final push she needed.”

“Raven said that an addict can’t truly get better unless they really want to,” Clarke said, “that they can’t do it for anyone else, it has to be for them.”

“And Lexa is doing this for herself, she is,” Gustus replied, “she hated the person that she’d become, and she wanted to change that. You should go in there.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Glancing at the clock on the wall in her room, Lexa realised that Gustus was late. She’d got the results of her HIV test that morning and the envelope, though already opened by the doctor at the facility, was sitting in her pocket. She had asked the doctor not to tell her what it said, she needed to find out for herself, and she didn’t want to do that on her own so she had waited for Gustus to visit.

“Lexa,” the orderly said, standing at her open door, “there’s...”

“Is Gustus here?” Lexa asked, sitting up from her position laying on her bed.

“No,” The orderly replied, shaking his head, “well, yes, kind of, he’s waiting outside. There’s someone else that would like to speak to you first.”

Rather than asked who it was, knowing that her regular game of ‘guess the visitor’ that she played with the orderly would just drag on, as she had no idea who it could be if it wasn’t Gustus, Lexa just furrowed her brow and stood up.

Her breath caught in her throat as she walked into the cafeteria, catching sight of the blonde hair. She glanced back at the orderly, who was smiling at her.

“She’s not going to disappear if you walk over there, you know.” He said, before turning and walking away.

Lexa took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying to calm the kaleidoscope of butterflies that had erupted in her stomach, before she slowly walked over to the table.

As she reached the table, Clarke looked at her, a small soft smile playing on her lips.

“Hey.” Clarke said.

“I really didn’t expect you to come…” Lexa said as she sat at the table opposite the blonde.

“Me neither,” Clarke replied honestly, “but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the best thing to do, for both of us.”

Lexa nodded a little, her mouth failing to form any of the words she wanted to say, and she had many words that she wanted to say. She’d played over and over in her head what she would say to Clarke if the blonde decided to visit, but as she sat and looked at her in complete disbelief that she was actually there, any thoughts about talking had fled her mind.

“How are you doing?” Clarke asked, realising that Lexa wasn’t going to say anything.

“Better…” Lexa replied with a small nod, “Clarke… I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough, I know that what I did hurt you and it’s too late to change that, but I am sorry. There isn’t a day that has passed that I haven’t wished I took the other choice…”

“Me too,” Clarke said, “I feel like I should apologise to you too.”

“For what?” Lexa asked, her brow furrowed a little, “you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.”

“But I do,” Clarke replied with a sigh, “the night that Anya and Raven were at the cabin, that night when you were going through the videos for replacement singers for Grounders, I said to Anya that you going back to the studio was a bad idea. But rather than actually do anything to stop it, I let it happen, and rather than stay with you…”

“Clarke…” Lexa said, a soft smile on her lips as she reached over the table and placed her hand over the blonde’s, “stop. Nothing that happened that day at the studio was your fault, so you have no reason to apologise for it. It’s all on me, I made the choice to contact the dealer, I took the drugs. There’s an old joke, ‘how do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving’, and it’s true. I think I already knew what was going to happen that day before we even got there, and rather than say anything to anyone about it, I physically made the choice to stick that needle in my arm. That isn’t your fault, it isn’t Anya’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault but mine. Okay?”

“But…” Clarke started to say.

“No buts,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “it is what it is.”

“But you’re doing better now, right?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed a little.

“I am,” Lexa confirmed with a nod, “it’s not going to be easy, I know that, and I can’t promise that I’m not going to fuck up again at some point in the future, but I can promise you that I’m going to do everything I can not to fuck up.”

“I guess that’s all anyone can ask,” Clarke said with a small smile and a nod, “nobody would tell me, but did you get the test results back yet?”

“I did,” Lexa said, taking her hand back from where it was still holding Clarke’s over the table, the blonde immediately missing the contact as Lexa pulled an envelope out of her pocket, “I have them right here. The doctor already looked at them, but I asked them not to tell me…”

“You haven’t looked at it yet?” Clarke asked.

“I was waiting until Gustus got here,” Lexa said with a small laugh, shaking her head, “I don’t want to do it on my own.”

“He’s outside,” Clarke replied, “he told me to come in first, I can…”

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “it’s better with you here, actually.”

Clarke’s heart pounded in her chest as she watched Lexa take the letter out of the envelope, her heart feeling like it stopped as Lexa closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

“Well?” Clarke asked, causing Lexa to look at her.

“Negative,” Lexa replied, a small smile playing on her lips as she pushed the letter across the table to Clarke, “it’s negative.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day before Clarke's birthday, and Lexa goes to her apartment to deliver her birthday card. She meets Niylah, things get stressful. Clarke gets a nice surprise. Small flash back at the end of the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been running around my head all day. Someone asked in previous chapters whether we'd ever get any flashbacks to a time when Clarke and Lexa were all happy and in love, this chapter has one of those. Hopefully you all enjoy it. I'd really appreciate it if you'd drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

It was the day before Clarke’s birthday, and Lexa was standing outside the blonde’s apartment with a birthday card in her hand. She hadn’t had to buzz the intercom to get Clarke to let her in, she’d managed to catch the door as someone was leaving the building, so she knew that she didn’t have to see Clarke. She could just post the envelope through the door and leave again. Gustus was waiting downstairs in the car for her, it was her first full day out of rehab and nobody trusted her to go anywhere on her own, which was fine with her as she didn’t completely trust herself either.

She took a deep breath, looking down at the envelope again before looking back at the door, raising her hand slowly before she knocked.

“Is Clarke here?” she asked the girl who opened the door.

She had no idea who the girl was who answered the door, nobody had mentioned Clarke getting a new roommate, though she knew that may have been a possibility.

“She’s just popped out to grab something from the store for lunch,” the girl said, “you’re welcome to come in and wait.”

“Thanks.” Lexa said with a small smile, walking inside the apartment as the girl stepped back a little and let her in.

The first thing Lexa noticed as she walked into the apartment was how so little had changed since the last time she had been there. There was a new painting resting against the wall in the living room that caught her attention though, it was a dark piece, Lexa could see the pain resonating from the canvas. She could also see, pretty easily, that the eyes in the painting were hers.

“That’s beautiful isn’t it.” The girl said with a smile as she walked over and stood next to Lexa.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “it is. Painful though…”

“A lot of the pieces that Clarke has been painting over the last few weeks have been like that,” the girl said, “she said it has been like her therapy…”

Lexa could tell by the way the girl was looking at her, that she was trying to figure out who she was, it was like Lexa’s face was familiar to her, but she wasn’t sure where from.

“Wait a minute,” the girl said, “aren’t you…”

Lexa took her phone from her pocket and checked the time, she had an NA meeting to get to, she was hoping to see Clarke before she went, but looking at the time she knew that she had better leave. She was also starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the way the girl was looking at her. It wasn’t only that though, it was also the way the girl talked about Clarke, there was a genuine feeling of affection there, and for some reason that tore Lexa apart.

“I…er… I have a meeting I need to get to,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little before she looked at the girl, “can you make sure Clarke gets this?”

“Sure,” the girl said with a nod, “she should be back soon though.”

“I’m going to be late,” Lexa replied, “I really need to leave.”

“Okay.” The girl said with another small nod, “is there a message that goes with the card, or…?”

“No,” Lexa said with a shake of her head, “no message.”

Lexa walked from the apartment and back down the stairs, out of the front door and to the car where Gustus was still waiting for her.

“I take it that it didn’t go well.” Gustus said as Lexa got in the passenger seat of the car.

“She wasn’t in,” Lexa replied, “there was a girl there, I left the card with her and asked her to pass it on. Can you take me to the meeting I mentioned earlier?”

“Of course.” Gustus said with a nod, knowing not to question Lexa further.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Sorry that took so long,” Clarke said as she walked into her apartment, “I had to go to a store 6 blocks away just to get what I wanted.”

“Not a problem,” Niylah replied, “this arrived while you were out.”

She handed Clarke the envelope that Lexa had dropped off.

“Birthday cards already,” Clarke said, “it’s not my birthday till tomorrow.”

“It’s from Lexa.” Niylah said, causing Clarke to look at her, “I didn’t realise who she was at first, I invited her in to wait until you got back, but she said something about having a meeting to get to. I guess that now she’s back in the city she’s probably going to be really busy with interviews and everything.”

“Did she say anything else?” Clarke asked, the hopefulness in her voice making Niylah’s heart hurt a little.

“No,” Niylah said, “just that she had a meeting to get to. She did see the painting though, agreed with me when I said it was beautiful, but also said it was painful.”

Clarke looked at the painting in question, it certainly was painful, and deeply personal. She knew right away that Lexa would have known that. She put the card on the living room table, it wasn’t her birthday yet so she told herself she would wait to open it.

“Right,” Clarke said, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly, “lunch.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa arrived back at her mother’s house after the NA meeting, dropping herself down on the sofa with a sigh, which attracted Anya’s attention.

“You okay?” Anya asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at her sister.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a nod, “it’s just been a weird day.”

“In what way?” Anya said, closing her laptop and putting it down on the table.

There had been an agreement between Anya, Indra and Gustus before Lexa came home, if it seemed like she needed to talk about anything, even if they were busy doing something else entirely, they would all postpone whatever it was they were doing and listen.

“I went to Clarke’s earlier,” Lexa said, quickly noticing the surprise on her sister’s face, “don’t look at me like that, I wanted to drop off a birthday card. I know you’re all meeting up tomorrow night, and I know that my being there would cause all kinds of awkwardness, so I wanted to avoid that. She wasn’t in anyway…”

“So, you posted the card through the door?” Anya asked.

“No,” Lexa replied, shaking her head, “when I knocked on the door, some girl answered and said I could go in and wait for Clarke to get back.”

“That was probably Niylah,” Anya said, “she works at the gallery where Clarke has an upcoming exhibition, she’s been around a lot during the last couple of weeks.”

Lexa nodded a little, not trusting herself to say anything.

“Hey,” Anya said, the look in her eyes softening as she realised just what thoughts would be going through Lexa’s mind, “they’re just friends.”

“It wouldn’t matter if they were more than that,” Lexa said as she stood up from the sofa, “I lost all rights to be involved in Clarke’s life the moment I chose drugs over her.”

Anya let out a long drawn out sigh as she watched Lexa walk upstairs to her room.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Raven asked as she sat with the gathered group in the VIP area at The Dropship, “I mean, I get that Lexa needs to reconnect with her actual life, but are you sure this place is the best place to do that?”

“It gets her out of the house,” Anya replied, “and it’ll stop everyone asking me if she’s okay.”

“We only asked you because it seems like she’s cut the rest of us off again,” Octavia said with a sigh, “I tried calling her earlier and she didn’t answer the phone.”

“She’s in a weird place right now,” Lincoln said, “she doesn’t really know where she fits in the world anymore, and with her just getting out of rehab she needs to know that we’re still all here for her.”

“Are we expecting Clarke tonight?” Bellamy asked, looking around the group, knowing that most of the others would be thinking it, but nobody wanted to actually say it.

“Yeah, cause that sounds like a great idea,” Ontari said sarcastically, shaking her head, “she needs to know that you all still want to be involved in her life for her, not for Clarke.”

“That isn’t what I meant…” Bellamy replied with a sigh, “Clarke is… was… a massive part of Lexa’s life, I was just wondering if…”

“She’s got plans tonight,” Raven interrupted, saving Bellamy from any more stuttering, “she said something about Niylah inviting her out.”

“Are they together now?” Echo asked.

“No,” Raven said, shaking her head, “just friends, I think. I mean, Clarke hasn’t said anything about it to me, but things have been a little weird at home since she knew I went to visit Lexa without telling her.”

“Lexa’s your friend too.” Bellamy said as he looked at Raven.

At that moment, Lexa walked over to the booth where everyone was sitting.

“If I have to push my way past one more photographer, I’m going to punch someone in the face.” Lexa sighed as she took her jacket off and put it over the back of the seat.

“No Gustus tonight?” Ontari asked as Lexa sat down.

“He was parking the car.” Lexa replied with a small smile.

“They’re probably lining up out there to see who gets the best shot of you stumbling out of the club later completely drunk.” Ontari said, a small smirk tugging at her lips as she shrugged.

Everyone around the table looked at Lexa to see how she was going to react to Ontari’s teasing, all more than a little surprised, and relieved, when she started laughing.

 

x-x-x-x

 

A few hours later Gustus went up into the VIP area and took Anya off to one side.

“What’s up?” Anya asked.

“Clarke’s here.” He replied.

“Shit…” Anya said with a sigh.

“It gets worse,” Gustus said, “she’s not alone.”

“Okay,” Anya replied with a small nod, “so we’re going to have to figure out how to play this. I don’t think we have any plans about leaving yet, so if we can keep her up here, she might not see them.”

Both of them glanced back at the booth to see Lexa standing up.

“Where are you going?” Anya asked her as both she and Gustus walked back over to the booth.

“It’s my round,” Lexa replied, “so I’m obviously going downstairs to get drinks.”

“I’ll go.” Anya said quickly.

“It’s my round, Ahn,” Lexa said, a confused look on her face, “I’m perfectly capable of walking downstairs and ordering some drinks.”

“I know, it’s not that, it’s…” Anya started to say, sighing as she watched Lexa shake her head and walk down the stairs, “Clarke’s here with Niylah…”

Lexa obviously hadn’t heard Anya as she went down the stairs and to the bar, a small smile playing on her lips as Ryder walked over to her.

“Well, look who it is,” Ryder said with a smile as he reached her, “you doing okay, kid?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “I’m good.”

“Good,” Ryder replied, “was pretty worried about you for a while there.”

“You and me both, friend,” Lexa said with a laugh, “but I’m doing okay.”

“Same again for everyone up there?” Ryder asked, making a start on the drinks as Lexa nodded, “I think I saw Clarke around here somewhere.”

“Really?” Lexa asked, swallowing the lump that had quickly appeared in her throat.

“Yeah,” he said with a nod, “I don’t know if she’s here with your group or not…”

“No,” Lexa replied, shaking her head, “Raven mentioned that she was busy tonight.”

Ryder didn’t say anything else as he got the rest of the drinks, that gave Lexa time to look around the downstairs area of the club. When she caught sight of Clarke she really wished she hadn’t looked. The blonde was laughing as she danced very closely with the girl that Lexa had met earlier that day, Niylah.

“Hey,” a girl standing near Lexa said, causing the brunette to look at her, “aren’t you Lexa Woods, lead singer of Grounders?”

“Was the lead singer of Grounders,” Lexa said with a small nod and a smile, “not anymore, but yes, that’s me.”

Ryder watched the interaction as he finished placing the drinks on the tray for Lexa.

“Can I get a picture with you?” the girl asked.

“Hey…” Ryder said.

“It’s fine, Ryder,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little at him before she looked back at the girl who was currently taking her phone out of her pocket, “sure.”

“My girlfriend is going to be so jealous,” the girl said as she stood next to Lexa, “she was going to come tonight but decided to stay home and study.”

Lexa smiled as the girl took the photograph.

“Thanks.” The girl said with a smile, before walking away to find her friends again.

Lexa took another look at where Clarke and Niylah were dancing before turning back to the bar and picking up the drinks, with a quick smile at Ryder she headed back upstairs to the VIP area.

“I’m going to head home.” She said as she put the drinks on the table, “I’m suddenly not feeling so great.”

“I’ll drive you.” Gustus said as Lexa picked up her jacket.

“I’m going to walk,” she replied with a shake of her head, “I need to clear my head.”

“You sure?” he asked, concern evident in her voice.

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a small smile and a nod, “I’ll text you when I get home. Have fun guys…”

With that Lexa walked back down the stairs.

“What was that all about?” Raven asked, her brow furrowed a little, “she seemed fine when she went to get the drinks.”

“Clarke’s here with Niylah.” Anya said with a sigh, part of her wanting to respect Lexa’s wishes, the other part of her wanting to follow her sister to make sure she really was going home.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke had been dancing with Niylah when she overheard someone telling their friend they had just seen Lexa at the bar. The blonde had no idea that Lexa would be at The Dropship that night, when Raven had said she was going out with Anya and the others she hadn’t expected Lexa to be going along. She glanced towards the VIP area just in time to see Lexa walk down the stairs and say something to Ryder before she motioned to the side door of the club, Ryder nodding slightly before Lexa left through the side exit.

“You okay?” Niylah asked when she realised Clarke was distracted.

“Yeah,” the blonde said with a nod, “I’m going to get some air, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Niylah nodded a little and walked back to the bar as Clarke walked out through the side exit, not even getting so much as a glance from Ryder.

“Lexa!” Clarke called as she saw Lexa walking down the alleyway towards the main street.

“Go back inside, Clarke.” Lexa replied, turning her head slightly as she continued walking.

“Lexa, wait,” Clarke said, speeding up so she could reach the brunette, “please.”

As Lexa stopped and turned around to look at her, Clarke could see her clench her jaw, and a quick flash of emotion pass across her eyes.

“I didn’t know you were going to be out tonight.” Clarke said as she reached Lexa.

“Anya figured it was probably a good idea to get me out of the house,” Lexa replied, “too much time to think is never a good thing.”

“I got your card,” Clarke said, a small smile playing on her lips, “I don’t know how long I missed you by, but Niylah said something about you having a meeting.”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “I didn’t have long, so I couldn’t wait around.”

“Was it for an interview or something?” Clarke asked.

“NA,” Lexa replied, “as one of the conditions of them letting me out of rehab I have to go to at least one meeting a day, for two months.”

“Right,” Clarke said with a small nod, “does it help?”

“Everything is a little overwhelming right now,” Lexa said, “ask me again in a couple of weeks.”

“I’m having some people round tomorrow night,” Clarke said, “for my birthday, I’d really like it if you’d come…”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Lexa replied with an apologetic smile, “it’s a little too soon for me, and I’m not sure your new girlfriend would want me there.”

“My new… you mean Niylah?” Clarke asked, “no, Lexa, we’re just friends, we’re not…”

“I saw you two dancing in the club, Clarke,” Lexa said, “that isn’t the way you dance with friends. And if you are just friends, she certainly wants it to be more than that.”

With another soft smile, Lexa turned to walk away again. It was killing her internally to be talking to Clarke at all, especially about the prospect of someone else being interested in the blonde.

“Do you remember at Lincoln’s birthday,” Clarke said, stopping Lexa in her tracks, “you asked me what I wanted for my birthday… I said that all I wanted for my birthday was you to be there.”

“Have a good night, Clarke.” Lexa said, not turning back so Clarke couldn’t see the tears that were now burning her eyes.

It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t want to spend time with Clarke, or go to her birthday party, but she knew deep down that she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be the right thing for either of them. She had lost all rights to being involved in Clarke’s life when she made the choice of drugs over their relationship, in Lexa’s mind that put her right back to square one, and she needed to earn those rights again. Part of her still felt that she didn’t deserve to be in Clarke’s life at all, it was the same part of her that was filled with self-doubt over her ability to stay clean.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was sitting on her bed, re-reading over what Lexa had written in her birthday card.

 

_I know you won’t have been able to wait until your actual birthday to open this, you never could. I also know that you told me the only thing you wanted for your birthday was for me to be there, but I don’t think I can be. I don’t deserve you, Clarke, and I’m not good enough to be in your life. Gustus will be there at about 10am on your actual birthday to give you your present._

_I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve the world Clarke, and I sincerely hope that you get everything you ever wanted._

_Yours always_

_Lexa._

 

x-x-x-x

 

When 10am rolled around, Clarke opened the apartment door to find Gustus standing there, smile on his face and two take-out cups of coffee in his hand, along with a small bag.

“Breakfast.” Gustus said, handing her the bag.

Clarke knew without looking what would be in it, it would be her favourite breakfast bagel, well, her favourite any time of day bagel.

“Why didn’t she come, Gustus?” Clarke asked quietly, her brow furrowed slightly.

“You know why.” He replied with a soft smile, “come on, we have somewhere to be.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke stayed quiet the whole drive. It wasn’t a long drive before Gustus was pulling the car over outside a building that was very familiar to Clarke. It had been an art gallery she and Lexa had spent a lot of time in when they were younger, it was one of Clarke’s favourite places to go. It had been closed for the last four years after the owner died and his son didn’t know what to do with it.

“What are we doing here?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at Gustus.

Gustus simply smiled and got out of the car, obviously expecting Clarke to follow him, which she did. They walked over to a guy in a suit who was standing outside the doors of the closed down art gallery.

“Clarke Griffin?” the man asked.

“Yes…” Clarke replied, completely unsure of what was going on.

“I need you to sign here.” He said, holding out a piece of paper and a pen.

Clarke looked at Gustus, complete confusion on her face.

“What’s going on, Gustus?” she asked.

“Just sign the papers, Clarke.” He replied.

Clarke did as he said, the guy taking back the papers and pen once Clarke was finished, before getting a set of keys out of his pocket and holding them out to the blonde.

“Happy Birthday, Clarke.” Gustus said, a soft smile on his lips.

Clarke felt tears burning at her eyes as she took the keys. Her mind taking her back to a time many years before when she and Lexa had been laying in her bedroom at her parents’ house.

 

_“But what do you want to do when you finish college?” Lexa asked, as she and Clarke lay face to face on Clarke’s bed, her hand softly trailing up the blonde’s arm._

_“You know that art gallery downtown, Dante’s?” Clarke said, causing Lexa to nod, “I want to own that and have my own exhibitions there. I know I never will, but that’s what I want.”_

_“If that’s what you want, then I’m sure one day you will,” Lexa said with a smile before softly kissing Clarke, “and when you have your first exhibition there, everyone in the city will be there.”_

_“Will you be there?” Clarke asked._

_“Of course I’ll be there,” Lexa replied, “where else would I ever want to be?”_


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's birthday continues, will she get the only thing that she wanted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long wait, and I'm sorry. Hopefully this chapter makes up for it. Enjoy. Don't forget to drop me a comment, let me know what you think.

Clarke was sitting in her apartment, the keys to the art gallery still on the coffee table where she had put them when she got home. Part of her couldn’t believe that Lexa had bought the place for her. She was torn between two feelings; surprise and hurt. The pain part of it came from the fact that it seemed like Lexa believed she owed her something, though part of Clarke knew, deep down, that wasn’t why Lexa had done it at all. Even with all the other thoughts and feelings running through her, the fact that Lexa remembered about the gallery brought a small smile to Clarke’s lips.

She considered what she was going to do, she was due to meet up with everyone later that day which she was obviously looking forward too, but a massive part of her wanted to see Lexa. Gustus had mentioned on the drive back to the apartment that Lexa was at another NA meeting, telling her where the meeting was and what time it finished, like he knew that she would want to see the brunette. Clarke knew she had a choice to make, she could go about her day the way she was planning to before that morning, or she could go and see Lexa.

“Fuck it.” Clarke said, standing up from the sofa and grabbing her keys and phone, before heading out of the apartment and getting in her car.

While she was waiting at a stop sign she called Gustus.

“What time does that meeting finish?” she asked when the big man answered.

“Well hello to you too, Clarke,” Gustus said, the hint of a laugh in his voice, “you’ve got about 10 minutes.”

“I’m never going to make it in 10 minutes.” Clarke replied with a sigh.

“I’ll call her and tell her that I’m stuck in traffic,” Gustus said, “there’s a small coffee shop a few doors away, she’ll wait there.”

“Thanks,” Clarke said, suddenly very relieved, “let me ask you something, why are you going to lie to her for me?”

“I adore Lexa, you know that,” Gustus replied, “but sometimes she’s too hard on herself. She thinks that staying away from you is the best thing for both of you, I happen to disagree. If a little lie helps her see that, then it’s worth it.”

“Thanks Gus…” Clarke said, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Just be ready to deal with the fallout from this,” he said, a slight warning tone in his voice, “the NA meetings always hit her pretty hard, and she might not be in the most talkative of moods.”

“I don’t need her to talk,” Clarke said, noticing a few cars ahead of her start moving, “I need her to listen, traffic is moving again, I’ve got to go.”

“Good luck.” Gustus said before Clarke hung up the phone.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa sighed as she once again checked the time on her phone as she sat in the small coffee shop, in her head she was silently cursing Gustus, he knew what time the meeting finished and he was also aware that traffic could really be a bitch sometimes. She kept her head down as people kept looking over at her, some talking amongst themselves, she could only imagine what they were saying.

As the bell above the door chimed once again, she looked up, inwardly groaning as she saw Clarke walk in. She got some cash out of her wallet to pay for her coffee, dropping it on the table before standing up and putting on her jacket.

“Sit back down,” Clarke said as she walked over to the table, “we need to talk.”

“This isn’t the time or the place, Clarke.” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little.

“When is the time?” Clarke asked, as Lexa clenched her jaw a little, “if you have your way there’ll never be a time or place.”

“Can we at least not do this here?” Lexa asked in reply, her eyes pleading with Clarke as more people started to look at them, “I can just imagine the gossip headlines…”

“Fine,” Clarke conceding, knowing that Lexa was of course right, “I know just the place.”

“I need to call Gustus, tell him that…” Lexa started to say as she was bringing up Gustus’ number on her phone.

“Don’t bother,” Clarke said, interrupting her, “he isn’t coming.”

“I’m going to kill him.” Lexa mumbled with a sigh, shaking her head a little.

“No, you’re not.” Clarke said, with the hint of a smile.

“I’m not.” Lexa agreed with the huff of a laugh.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“You said we needed to talk.” Lexa said as she sat down on the grass near Clarke.

Clarke had decided that the best place to talk to Lexa was near the tree stump, their tree stump. It was quiet, there was no one around, but now that they were there, Clarke wasn’t sure where to start. She didn’t want to sound ungrateful.

“What made you think it was a good idea to buy me an art gallery for my birthday?” she asked.

“It’s something that you’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known you,” Lexa replied with a shrug, tugging a piece of grass out of the ground, “and it’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for a while. To be honest, I was planning to get you it after the first big tour Grounders did, but…”

“We’d broken up by then.” Clarke said, Lexa nodding slightly in reply, still not looking at her, “I told you, all I wanted for my birthday was for you to be there…”

Clarke lifted her hand a little as Lexa opened her mouth to reply, causing her to clench her jaw as she closed her mouth again.

“I didn’t need some big extravagant gift, Lexa,” she continued, “I just needed you.”

“With everything that’s happened, I honestly didn’t think that you’d want any more to do with me,” Lexa said, her brow furrowed as she looked at the grass again, “I fucked up, and I hurt you, a lot, I know that…”

“So, you thought that buying me an art gallery would make up for it?” Clarke asked.

“You can always sell it,” Lexa said, going on the defensive, “if you really don’t want it, sell it, get something you do want…”

Lexa’s head snapped up as Clarke started laughing, utter confusion on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said, lifting her hand a little in apology as she tried to stop herself laughing, “that just reminded me of something my grandma said to me when I was a kid about taking a gift back to the store and getting something that I wanted. Obviously, she was talking about a book or something, not a building.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the small laugh that escaped her when she considered the stupidity of it.

“I could pay you back for it.” Clarke said, once the pair had stopped laughing.

“You could.” Lexa replied with a nod, “if that’s what you want.”

“How much did it cost?” Clarke asked, wanting to figure out how long it would take her to be able to pay the brunette back.

“For both floors of the building, with realtor costs, and taxes and everything,” Lexa said, as she thought back to the purchase, “close to $900,000.”

A smile started tugging at Lexa’s lips as Clarke face dropped in surprise.

“That… err… that would take a while.” Clarke said, causing the brunette to laugh a little.

“Why don’t we call it an investment,” Lexa replied, “if you don’t want to look at it as a gift.”

“An investment in what?” Clarke asked.

“You,” Lexa said, honestly, “this is something you’ve always wanted, Clarke. You have the talent to turn that place into something amazing, get your art out there in your own right.”

“You’re impossible to stay mad at, you know that?” Clarke grumbled.

“You’re mad at me for buying you a gallery?” Lexa asked, amusement clear in her voice, “do you realise how crazy that sounds? You’re mad because I did something to help you achieve your dreams.”

Clarke hadn’t actually looked at it that way.

“I didn’t think about it like that…” she said quietly.

“Well, that’s the way it was intended.” Lexa said with a sigh, “I’ve caused you a lot of pain, not just recently, but over the last few years, and I wanted to try and do something to change that.”

“You always talk about the pain you caused me,” Clarke said, with a shake of the head, “neither of us wanted our relationship to end the way it did, that wasn’t easy for you either. I had Raven and Octavia, all our friends that were here, I wasn’t alone, I had support. You didn’t have that…”

“I had Anya,” Lexa replied with a shrug, “I made the choice to join Grounders, that came with consequences…”

“Yeah, it sure did, it made you unhappy enough that you decided the best thing to do was inject drugs into your arms…” Clarke said, sighing before shaking her head, “sorry, that wasn’t fair.”

“It’s the truth though,” Lexa said with the huff of a laugh, “one bad decision lead to another bad decision… which lead to a cycle that I just couldn’t get out of…”

“You’re out of it now.” Clarke said with a soft smile.

“I’m working on it.” Lexa corrected, “I’m never going to be the person I was, Clarke, not completely. I’m always going to have this thing within me, and it’s not always going to be easy.”

“Is that why you’re trying to push me away?” Clarke asked, moving slightly closer to Lexa.

“I’m not trying to push you away,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “it’s… complicated. You gave me a choice, I made that choice. Obviously, it was the wrong choice, part of me knew that at the time, but a bigger part of me didn’t care. When you’re on drugs that’s the most important thing, nothing else matters, all you really care about is that next fix. I’m always going to be an addict, that isn’t ever going to change. That’s why they say that an addict is in recovery, never recovered.”

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just listened to what Lexa was saying, moving ever closer to the brunette. It was almost like there was this invisible force that was drawing her closer. Like a moth drawn to a flame, the possibility of being burned didn’t even cross her mind. The only thing she was thinking about was the words coming from Lexa’s mouth, and the pain that laced those words.

“That chance of relapsing is always there,” Lexa continued, “every day is a battle, and some of those battles are easier than others… some days are better than others… but it’s always there. That’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life, and… if I slip again…”

“There’s always people here to catch you, Lex, if you let us.” Clarke said.

“I can’t put you in that position, Clarke.” Lexa said, looking at the blonde as the slight burn of tears filled her eyes.

“Tough luck, because I’m already there.” Clarke said, a soft smile on her lips as Lexa blinked, the first of the tears starting to fall, she put her arm around the brunette’s shoulder as all of Lexa’s walls cascaded down in front of her, “and I’m always going to be there.”

Lexa finally let herself feel again, after months of trying not to, as she nodded slightly.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“I thought the plan was that we’d meet up here, and then go out.” Octavia said as she stood in Clarke’s kitchen and watched as the blonde plated up the take out for everyone who was there.

“That was the idea,” Clarke said, making sure that there was enough food for everyone to help themselves too, as there was a knock at the door, “but plans change, make yourself useful and get that will you.”

“Raven will get it,” Octavia replied, as she heard Raven yell from the living room, “what happened today?”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, glancing up at her friend as she got another plate from the cupboard.

“You seem… I don’t know, lighter.” Octavia said.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Raven quickly stopped the smartass response leaving her mouth when she opened the front door to find Lexa standing there. Clarke’s earlier group text telling everyone there had been a change of plans suddenly making complete sense.  Lexa didn’t say anything as she held up two bottles of pretty expensive wine, Gustus and Lincoln walking up behind her with yet more alcohol.

“You do deliveries now?” Raven asked, a smirk playing on her lips, “that’s a bit of a step down.”

“Asshole.” Lexa replied with a laugh, “I can always leave again, obviously taking my alcohol with me.”

“Nope,” Raven said, shaking her head as she reached out and grabbed Lexa’s arm, “you’re coming in.”

Gustus shook his head at the interaction as he and Lincoln followed Lexa and Raven into the apartment.

“The alcohol is here.” Raven announced as they walked into the living room.

The entire room fell silent as they all looked at Lexa, she knew most of them, Niylah was there as well, along with one or two people she’d never met.

“That’s more like it.” Bellamy said, standing up and walking over to Lexa, taking the wine off her, “I told Clarke that what she had wasn’t enough.”

He handed the wine to someone else, before pulling Lexa into a hug.

“I’m glad you could make it.” He said quietly, smiling as he backed away and dragged her over to the sofa, “you know everyone apart from Murphy…”

Bellamy pointed to a guy with floppy hair, who was sitting next to a girl that Lexa also didn’t know, he lifted his hand in a small wave.

“His girlfriend Emory,” Bellamy said, the girl nodded her head slightly and smiled at Lexa, “and Niylah.”

“We’ve met.” Niylah said, a smile on her lips as she looked at Lexa.

“Briefly,” Lexa replied, with a small smile of her own, “I was in a bit of a rush, I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s understandable,” Niylah said, “and there’s really no need to apologise.”

“Okay,” Gustus said as he walked back out of the kitchen and looking at Lexa, “my job here is done, Clarke said that everyone will probably end up crashing here, but if you need me….”

“I’ll call.” Lexa said with a nod.

“Have fun.” Gustus said with a smile as he left the apartment.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“That so isn’t the way it went down,” Raven said, grabbing another beer off the table, “Lexa, you were there…”

“Don’t drag me into it,” Lexa replied with a laugh, “I’m not getting involved.”

“You’ve got to remember though,” Octavia said, stumbling back across the room after getting something off one of the plates which were on the coffee table, which had been moved to the side of the room so everyone could all sit around on the floor, “that was during Lexa and Clarke’s totally loved up phase, neither of them would remember anything about whatever else happened back then.”

“You mean their loved-up phase which lasted from the day they met all the way through until college?” Anya asked, downing what was left of her drink before getting another.

Lexa just rolled her eyes and shook her head at her sister, rather than replying. The alcohol had been flowing freely for a couple of hours and she wasn’t interested in getting into an argument about it with Anya, an argument she knew she would lose as she would be severely outnumbered when it came to people agreeing with her older sister.

“I remember perfectly what happened,” Clarke said, walking out of the kitchen with two glasses of wine in her hands, “the experiment exploded, the entire classroom was unusable for the rest of the day, and Raven was banned from doing anything practical in science for almost a month.”

“It didn’t explode.” Raven huffed.

“They could smell the smoke down the hallway, Rae.” Clarke said with a laugh as she sat down on the sofa next to Lexa, handing her one of the glasses.

“Thanks.” Lexa said with a soft smile, Clarke didn’t reply, she simply returned the smile.

Both girls sat and watched in amusement as their friends continued to argue.

“Thank you…” Clarke said quietly to Lexa.

“For what?” Lexa asked, just as quietly as she turned her head to look at the blonde.

“Making this birthday pretty much perfect.” Clarke said.

“Like I said in the card,” Lexa replied, feeling slightly more confident than she had for a while, it was probably the alcohol, “you deserve the world…”

“I don’t need the world,” Clarke said, a soft smile playing on her lips, “I just need this…”

Lexa nodded a little as she looked around the room.

“This is pretty good.” She said with another nod.

 

x-x-x-x

 

“You’re not going to disappear in the night are you?” Clarke asked drunkenly as she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, her hand going across the brunette’s waist and gripping hold of her t-shirt that Lexa had borrowed to sleep in, “I’m not going to wake up and find out that this has all been some kind of dream?”

“I’m not going to disappear…” Lexa said, softly kissing the sleepy blonde’s head, “happy birthday, Clarke…”

“Best birthday ever.” Clarke said before she drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we're nearly at the end of this one, I have an idea for another chapter, but that might be it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa struggles, Clarke helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you'll be able to see from the chapter counter thingy (what the f*** is that thing called) there's only 5 chapters of this one left after this chapter. Hopefully you all enjoy this one, drop me a comment and let me know. Enjoy.

In the couple of days since her birthday, Clarke and Lexa had spent a lot of time texting each other, that’s when they weren’t hanging out. Clarke knew that the coming days would be difficult for Lexa, Grounders were travelling to LA to record their new album, so obviously Anya would be going with them.

Late one night, after Clarke had literally collapsed onto her bed after a long day of working on her art, her phone rang. She thought about ignoring it, until she looked at the screen and saw that it was Lexa. She knew that Lexa wouldn’t call her that late at night unless something was wrong.

“Hello…” Clarke said, her voice kind of groggy from tiredness.

“Did I wake you?” Lexa asked, worry clear in her voice, along with something else that Clarke couldn’t quite place.

“No,” Clarke replied, “you didn’t. Is everything okay?”

“You’re tired, I’ll let you sleep,” Lexa said, “it’s not important…”

“Lexa,” Clarke said, interrupting her, “it obviously is important or you wouldn’t have called me, what’s going on?”

“I just… I need you, Clarke.” Lexa said.

The tone of Lexa’s voice made Clarke’s heart feel like it was about to break in her chest.

“I’m on my way.” Clarke replied, climbing out of bed, “you’re going to need to let me in when I get there though, I don’t think I could deal with having to wake your mom up, she’s scary.”

The only response Clarke got from Lexa was a small huff of a laugh.

“I’ll be there soon, okay.” Clarke said.

“Okay.” Lexa replied hesitantly.

 

x-x-x-x

 

The drive over to Lexa’s didn’t take Clarke that long, with it being so late there wasn’t much traffic on the street. As soon as she parked her car, the front door of the house opened, Clarke was a little surprised to see Gustus standing there.

“Is she okay?” Clarke asked.

“One of the women at her NA group died of an overdose tonight,” Gustus said, “she’d been clean for 18 months, and she was one of the people who was really helping Lexa at the group.”

“Shit…” Clarke said with a sigh, running her hand through her hair.

“I’m glad she called you, because she won’t talk to me.” Gustus said as he closed the door behind Clarke, “she’s upstairs in her room.”

“Thanks.” Clarke said.

She went straight upstairs to Lexa’s room; the door was already open. Clarke assumed that Indra probably didn’t like Lexa having it closed. But she also knew that Indra wouldn’t mind if the door was closed when Lexa wasn’t in the room by herself, so after she walked into the room she closed the door behind her. Lexa was laying on her bed, facing the wall.

Clarke didn’t say a word, she just walked over to the bed, taking her shoes off before she climbed onto the bed and laid behind Lexa. As soon as Clarke laid down, Lexa reached behind her and took Clarke’s hand, the blonde didn’t hesitate to put her arm over Lexa as the brunette moved back slightly so her back was flush with Clarke’s front.

Neither of them said anything as Clarke softly placed a kiss on Lexa’s head.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke woke the following morning in an empty bed, she glanced at the clock on the bedside table and saw that it was nearly 11am. She hadn’t slept that late in a long time, nor had she slept as peacefully as she had the previous night. Once Lexa had eventually fallen asleep Clarke stayed awake a little bit longer, just to make sure that Lexa was asleep, before she slept.

As she got out of bed, Clarke could hear voices downstairs, which meant that at least someone was still in the house. She was worried that Lexa had waited until she had gone to sleep before getting up and leaving.

When she got downstairs she found that she shouldn’t have worried, Lexa was sitting on the sofa drinking coffee.

“I didn’t know we had a guest.” Indra said, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I called her last night,” Lexa said, looking down at the coffee cup that she held in her hands, “I was…”

“You don’t need to explain,” Indra said, kissing Lexa on the side of the head before she looked at Clarke, “it’s good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Clarke replied.

“Do you want a coffee?” Lexa asked, looking at the blonde.

“I can get it.” Clarke said with a smile.

“It’s really no trouble.” Lexa said, moving to stand up.

“Already done.” Gustus said, walking out of the kitchen before handing Clarke a cup of coffee.

“So,” Indra said, looking at Lexa as Clarke sat next to her on the sofa, “what are your plans for today?”

“I don’t have any,” Lexa replied, her brow furrowed slightly, “there’s an NA meeting that I’m supposed to go to, but…”

“Would it help if I took you?” Clarke asked, causing Lexa to look at her, “I could wait around and we could go for coffee or something afterwards?”

“I wouldn’t want to interrupt any plans that you already have.” Lexa said with a sigh, “I woke you up last night and…”

“Hey,” Clarke said, softly putting her hand on Lexa’s leg, “you didn’t wake me up. Sure, I had just collapsed on my bed with every intention of crashing, but you didn’t wake me up. I told you a few days ago, you need me, I’m here.”

Lexa nodded her head slightly.

“Plus, I actually don’t have any plans today,” Clarke continued, flashing Lexa a grin, “so you’re kind of stuck with me anyway.”

“And what a hardship that is.” Lexa said quietly with a small smile.

Gustus and Indra shared a look, both of them rolling their eyes.

“Anya called me this morning,” Indra said, “she said something about the band going into the studio this morning.”

“They’re recording their new album, you knew that already.” Lexa said, looking at her mother, “or did you just not listen when Anya told you why she was going to LA.”

“Why are they recording in LA?” Clarke asked.

“New producer,” Lexa replied, “that and not really wanting to record at the same studio anymore.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” Clarke said with a nod.

“She mentioned fans on twitter not being too happy about you not being there.” Indra said.

“I haven’t been on twitter in months…” Lexa said, “I should probably tweet something, right?”

“If you want to,” Gustus said, “nobody can tell you what to do anymore.”

Lexa nodded again and reached over to the coffee table to get her phone. Neither Clarke nor Lexa seemed to notice that Clarke’s hand was still resting on Lexa’s leg, either that or they really didn’t care.

“Okay…” Lexa said, bringing up her twitter app.

 **@LexaWoods** : Just a quick tweet to wish **@AnyaWoods** and Grounders the best of luck in the studio today! #excitingtimes

It didn’t take long for the replies to start coming in, most of them from fans saying Grounders wouldn’t be the same without Lexa, some even saying that they weren’t going to listen to the band anymore.

 **@LexaWoods:** Come on guys, Grounders are still Grounders, and Luna is going to be amazing. It’s a new start.

 **@AnyaWoods** : **@LexaWoods** wouldn’t want you here anyway, you’d eat all the donuts.

Lexa laughed, shaking her head a little as she put her phone back down on the table.

“Everything okay?” Clarke asked.

“Anya just being Anya.” Lexa replied with another laugh.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke sat on the small wall outside the place that was being used for the NA meeting, waiting for Lexa. As soon as Lexa walked out, Clarke knew she wasn’t in a good place.

“Where do you want to go?” Clarke asked.

“Anywhere.” Lexa replied, “just away from here.”

Clarke nodded as they walked to the car, she figured that Lexa wouldn’t want to go home just yet, so she took her to the apartment.

It wasn’t a long time later that Clarke was sitting on the sofa, Lexa’s head in her lap, both of them having changed into sweat pants.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke asked, looking down at Lexa as she ran her fingers through the brunette’s hair.

“Not really.” Lexa replied, “it’s just… hard, you know. First meeting without her, I don’t think I really realised how much she helped by just being there. I also couldn’t help but think about how she’d been clean for 18 months. She was fighting to get her kid back, she was getting her life back on track, and now…”

“How long had she been using for?” Clarke asked, unsure about whether that was even the right thing to ask.

“4 or 5 years,” Lexa said, “she had two kids, a boy and a girl. Then the girl was involved in a car accident with her dad, they both died. She just couldn’t cope… it kind of puts everything into perspective for me, I think. I started using because I wasn’t happy with my life, I wasn’t happy with a job that has made me millions of dollars… it’s pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Clarke countered, “people use drugs for all kinds of different reasons, no one person’s reason is any more valid than anyone else’s. She had her reasons, you had yours.”

“I remember when we had group therapy at the rehab,” Lexa said with a sigh, “at first nobody there took me seriously, well the other patients anyway. I had everything, and I threw it all away. That’s the way they saw it anyway. There were people there who had to steal things to get the money for their next fix, and there I was, using drugs because I wasn’t happy being famous…”

“It was a little more than that.” Clarke said with a soft smile.

“Not to them…” Lexa replied.

“Well, they’re not important,” Clarke said, “not to me, anyway.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Later that night, with Lexa still at Clarke’s, they decided to have a movie night with Raven.

“One for you,” Raven said, walking out of the kitchen with three bottles of beer, handing one to Clarke, “one for Lexa…”

“Not for me, thanks.” Lexa replied with a small smile.

“You not drinking now?” Raven asked as she put the extra bottle on the table before sitting in her chair.

“Nope.” Lexa said.

“You drank on my birthday.” Clarke said, her brow furrowed as she looked at Lexa.

“It was one drink,” Lexa said, “and that was a good night, I was in a good place, surrounded by good people. If I start drinking now, I probably wouldn’t stop.”

“We’re good people.” Raven said, a small smirk tugging at her lips.

“You’re an asshole, Reyes,” Lexa replied with a laugh, shaking her head, “but yeah, you are good people, but mentally I’m… I’m struggling…”

“Then it’s a good job you’re here then.” Raven said with a genuine smile, before she turned her attention back to the movie.

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa had fallen asleep part way through the movie, her head back on Clarke’s lap. As the end credits rolled, Raven looked over at Clarke.

“Is she asleep?” Raven asked, Clarke nodded in reply, “okay, serious talk time. If you’re going to be all in for this, you need to be all in.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked in reply.

“Well, I’m guessing as you didn’t spend the night here last night, you were with her.” Raven said.

“She called,” Clarke said with a nod, “so I went round.”

“Which is a good thing,” Raven said, “and I know I’ve said before that she’ll only stay clean if she wants to, but the fact that she called you last night rather than getting high kind of proves that she wants to stay clean. If you’re going to be that person she calls, you need to be all in with that. You can’t just ignore her call at some point because you just can’t be bothered.”

“I know that,” Clarke said, looking down at the sleeping Lexa, “to be honest, I couldn’t be more in if I wanted to be. I want to help her through this.”

“Good,” Raven said, stretching before she stood up, “oh do me a favour, when you two start banging again, let me know so I can be somewhere else.”

Clarke shook her head as she rolled her eyes, causing Raven to laugh a little before she headed to her bedroom.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts off light with Lexa and Lincoln jamming together. Gets heavy when Lexa finally releases her statement to the world. Ends with emotional stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this happened. I'm not sure what I think about this chapter, but it's not going to get any better than it is. Don't forget to drop me a comment and let me know what you think of it.

Clarke and Lexa were hanging out at Lincoln’s place, when Clarke literally couldn’t find Lexa. In the few days since she had spent the night at Lexa’s, the two of them hadn’t really been apart, other than when Lexa was at meetings or when Clarke was working on her art. Clarke knew that Lexa was getting a lot of tweets asking if she was going to continue making music, and she knew that Lexa was still writing songs, but the performance side was probably a no go.

When she was about to ask Octavia if she knew where Lexa was, she heard music from a piano start to filter out of Lincoln’s music room. The room itself was a small studio where Lincoln sometimes played around, thinking about what could’ve been if he hadn’t left Grounders and concentrated on his education, which had been why Lexa had joined the band in the first place. As the music continued, Clarke’s feet led her to the door of the room, where she found Lexa sitting behind the piano.

A small smile played on Clarke’s lips as she watched Lexa, it had been a while since she had seen her look at peace, but while she was sitting behind the piano that’s exactly what Clarke saw. She took her phone out, hitting record, as the opening chords from Just Give Me a Reason started to float from the piano. Clarke kept recording as Lexa sent a challenging look in Lincoln’s direction as he stood near the piano watching her.

Clarke spotted Octavia who was walking back from the bathroom, and grabbed her arm to stop her, she knew that she’d want to hear this. It had been so long since Lexa and Lincoln had jammed together, and Octavia had once mentioned that it was something that Lincoln really missed.

 _Right from the start_  
_You were a thief, you stole my heart_  
 _And I your willing victim_  
 _I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty_  
 _And with every touch you fixed them_  
 _Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh_  
 _Things you never say to me oh oh_  
 _Tell me that you've had enough_  
 _Of our love, our love_

Part way through Lexa singing that first verse, Lincoln walked over to the drum machine that he had set up, coming in at the perfect time during the chorus, causing a smile to tug on Lexa’s lips as she sang.

 _Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_  
_Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_  
 _It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_  
 _We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

The challenging look was back in Lexa’s eyes as she looked at Lincoln, both Clarke and Octavia knew that the song was a duet, and the look in Lexa’s eyes was simple, it said ‘your turn’.

 _I'm sorry I don't understand_  
_Where all of this is coming from_  
 _I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)_  
 _Your head is running wild again_  
 _My dear we still have everythin'_  
 _And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')_  
 _You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh_  
 _You used to lie so close to me oh oh_  
 _There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love, our love_  
 _Oh our love, our love_

_Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_   
_Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_   
_I never stop, you're still written in the scars on my heart_   
_You're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

_Oh tear ducts and rust_   
_I'll fix it for us_   
_We're collecting dust, but our love's enough_   
_You're holding it in_   
_You're pouring a drink_   
_No nothing is as bad as it seems_   
_We'll come clean_

_Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough_   
_Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_   
_It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_   
_That we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

_Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough_   
_Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_   
_It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts_   
_That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_

_Oh we can learn to love again_   
_Oh we can learn to love again oh oh_   
_Oh that we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_

As the song finished, Clarke stopped recording.

“I’ve missed that.” Lincoln said as he and Lexa shared a laugh.

“It’s been a while.” Lexa agreed.

“That was awesome.” Octavia said, looking between the two of them, “you need to post that video online or something.”

“You recorded it?” Lexa asked, looking at Clarke.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied, “you looked… happy. I can upload it to twitter or something, if you’re both okay with that.”

“I don’t have a twitter account, so it won’t affect me either way.” Lincoln said, laughing as he looked at Lexa, “So, completely your choice, superstar.”

“I don’t know,” Lexa said, looking unsure, “I’m not sure if I want that kind of attention again…”

“You’re getting that kind of attention anyway,” Clarke said, walking over to where Lexa was sitting, “I know you’ve had hundreds of tweets over the last couple of days asking if you’re giving up music all together, this might be a good way to answer those tweets.”

“But then people might start expecting more,” Lexa said with a sigh, “that’s a lot of pressure…”

“Not if you explain that you’re not giving up music, but you’re doing it for you now.” Octavia said.

Lexa nodded a little.

“Want me to upload it?” Clarke asked, as smile dancing on her lips.

“Tag me in it and I’ll retweet it.” Lexa said with a nod.

Clarke set about uploading the video onto twitter.

 **@ClarkeGriffinArt** : For all those wondering if **@LexaWoods** is giving up on music, I guess this is your answer.

Once the tweet with the video attached was posted on twitter, Lexa retweeted it, knowing that her notifications were, once again, going to go through the roof.

 

x-x-x-x

 

A few hours later it was clear the video had gone viral, hundreds of thousands of retweets, even the Grounders twitter account had retweeted it which amused Clarke.

“I’ve got an idea.” Raven said as she, Clarke and Lexa were sitting in the living room.

“No, we’re not blowing anything up.” Clarke said, causing Lexa to laugh as Raven rolled her eyes.

“I’m serious,” Raven said, her brow furrowed as she looked at Lexa, “you know you were wondering the best way to get a statement out there, your side of everything, a way to explain to your fans what happened?”

“Yeah.” Lexa replied with a slight nod, wondering where Raven was going with this.

“Make a video,” Raven said with a shrug, “just you talking to the camera. I know that Ellen has been trying to get you onto her show, as with every other entertainment channel, but this way it’s just you, there’s no pressure.”

“That might work,” Lexa said with a small sigh, “I could do that…”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Raven had helped Clarke get an area of the apartment set up for Lexa to record the video, making sure that the lighting was right and everything else. Lexa had said she wanted to record it as soon as possible after Raven had suggested it, so she didn’t change her mind. So, that’s what they were doing.

“You sure about this?” Clarke asked, as Lexa sat in the chair in front of the camera.

“No,” Lexa replied with the huff of a laugh, “but I think it needs to be done. It’ll stop all the emails I’ve been getting from media outlets and stuff. Plus, Raven was right, doing it this way means there’s no pressure.”

“Okay.” Clarke said with a nod, walking over to the camera and hitting record, before she walked over to the sofa where Raven was sitting and sat down.

Lexa had asked both of them to stay, a silent support group if you will.

“This is not going to be easy,” Lexa said as she started the video, “but it’s going to be honest, and that’s the main thing. I know there have been so many questions and rumours flying around since I left Grounders, most of them are not true. There was no falling out, no massive argument that ended everything. It was a decision that I needed to make for me…”

Clarke and Raven glanced at each other, both knowing that Lexa was right, this wasn’t going to be easy. It wasn’t going to be easy for Lexa to say what she needed to say, and it probably wasn’t going to be easy for either of them to hear everything, even though they had been there for most of it.

“It’s probably going to be best to start at the beginning,” Lexa continued, “I joined Grounder in college, as most of you know, we were signed up pretty quickly. It was never something I really wanted, I didn’t want to be singer, I didn’t want to be in a band. I felt that I couldn’t say no though, there was too much riding on it for everyone else, so I went along with it. For the first few months everything was fine, then it all just exploded, we were everywhere, doing everything. That’s when things started to change for me. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to be there, but I stayed. It wasn’t that much later that I found something that made it all easier. I developed a pretty serious drug problem. I used drugs as a way to be that person that everyone else expected me to be. That went on for about three years, getting progressively worse. I came close to OD’ing a couple of times while we were on tour… It’s strange, a lot of people would look at my life and not understand why I turned to drugs, and I get it, I do. But, for me, being up there on that stage night after night, thousands of people screaming your name… being surrounded by all those people was the loneliest place in the world…”

Clarke clenched her jaw as she listened to Lexa talking, she didn’t want to hear all of this, but she knew that Lexa needed her there, so she forced herself to stay put.

“Before the final tour came back to my home city, we’d already talked about me taking some time off,” Lexa said as she continued to explain everything, “to get myself clean, but I knew deep down, that wasn’t going to be enough. I couldn’t get clean and then put myself back into that environment. The night before the first of the gigs we had here during that tour, I took an overdose, I don’t know, even now, if it was intentional.”

Raven put her arm around Clarke’s shoulders as Lexa continued, knowing that this was going to be seriously hard for her friend.

“In a way I think it might have been,” Lexa admitted as she continued, “I just couldn’t do it anymore. But the next morning, the manager of the band came to see me at the hospital, and talked me into pushing through it, getting back on stage to finish the tour dates planned… so I turned away help that was being offered to me, by people who mean the world to me. I pushed all that away and continued on.”

Lexa and Clarke’s eyes met at that moment, and Clarke could see so much pain in those pools of green that she had loved from the moment she saw them, and it broke her heart to see.

“I think that’s one of the things I regret the most,” Lexa said as she looked back at the camera, “because in doing that, I hurt someone I love. It wasn’t the last time I hurt that person… I’m getting off track here, er… so basically, after a couple more really close calls, a complete failed attempt at getting clean, another seriously bad decision on my part, I ended up going to a rehab facility. I have now been clean and off drugs for… nearly 4 months. It’s still really hard, but I have people around me who care about me, and that does make it easier. So, now you know the reasons I left the band. As for whether I’ll get back into music, I honestly don’t know right now. I am still writing songs, whether any of them ever see the light of day is a completely other question that I can’t answer right now. To end this video, I want to say that I am sorry to everyone that I have hurt, to all my fans who I let down… I wasn’t strong enough to be the person that you expected me to be, and I am sorry about that, but I am working on getting better.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Once the video had been uploaded, and posted onto Lexa’s twitter account, she had turned her phone off. Simply turning the notifications on social media off wouldn’t have been enough, as she started getting phone calls and texts from people, none of which she wanted to deal with. If anyone really needed to get in contact with her, they could call Clarke, which is what Anya had done. Lexa didn’t want to talk to her, but Anya had told Clarke to tell her that she was proud of her.

Anya had also tweeted how proud she was of Lexa, which had caused her own notifications to blow up.

Lexa didn’t feel proud of herself. Putting the whole thing out there for the world to see made her think about just how much she had failed. How many people she had let down. It also made her really think about just how much she’d hurt Clarke.

It was the early hours of the morning when Clarke woke up to find a note on the pillow where Lexa had been sleeping just hours before. All the note said was ‘I’m sorry’.

 

x-x-x-x

 

It hadn’t taken Clarke as long as she thought it would to find Lexa, the girl was sitting on the roof of her car, on a hill that overlooked the city. It had been somewhere that Clarke and Lexa had been to many times when they were at school. It’s where they had shared their first real kiss. It’s where the date the night that they had first slept together had started. It was somewhere that held so many happy memories for the two of them.

Clarke parked up her own car before walking over to Lexa’s jeep and climbing up onto the roof. Next to Lexa she saw a foil wrap, a spoon and a needle. It had all been set out, in almost compulsive fashion. From looking at it, Clarke could see that the needle hadn’t been used, the spoon was still clean, and the foil hadn’t been unwrapped.

“I haven’t used it.” Lexa said, not taking her eyes off the view over the city as Clarke sat next to her, the drugs between them.

“Why not?” Clarke asked.

“I was about to, then I thought about you, and Raven… Anya, my mom, Gustus…” Lexa said, “the video I posted earlier… then I suddenly came to the realisation that I don’t want it. I don’t need it…”

Clarke let out a sigh and shook her head.

“I’m stronger than that,” Lexa said, glancing down at the drugs, “I’m worth more than that…”

“I’ve only been telling you that for months.” Clarke said, causing Lexa to laugh a little.

“I know,” Lexa said with a nod, “I just… I guess I needed to figure it out for myself. Do you remember the woman at my group, the one who died…?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a nod of her own, “I remember.”

“Did I tell you why she started using again?” Lexa asked, her brow furrowed a little as she looked at Clarke, the blonde shaking her head a little, “she’d worked so hard to get clean, to get her life back on track, so she could get her son back. But the state decided that it wasn’t good enough, they decided that she wasn’t good enough. The fact that she’d been clean for 18 months, hadn’t missed a meeting, had an apartment, a job… hadn’t missed a time at the visitation centre where she could see her son… She had done everything right, everything she could, and they told her it still wasn’t enough…”

Clarke didn’t say anything as Lexa took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I want to be enough, Clarke…” Lexa said, her eyes fixed on Clarke, “as I am, I want to be enough.”

There was a look in Lexa’s eyes that made the breath catch in Clarke’s chest, she was suddenly so overcome with feeling that she couldn’t stop herself as she quickly closed the distance between them, capturing Lexa’s lips with her own. The kiss quickly became heated, until Clarke heard a whimper escape Lexa’s lips.

She backed away a little, her eyes closed as she rested her forehead against Lexa’s.

“You have _always_ been enough, Lex…” She said quietly.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is probably the lightest chapter that I've written for this story so far, which I'm hoping isn't too disappointing. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think :)

**_Two months later…_ **

 

As Lexa climbed into the cab that picked her up from the airport, the cold winter air swirling around her, she considered where she wanted to be dropped off. She’d been out of the city, she’d been in LA for close to two weeks doing interviews and publicity for the book she was getting published. She’d fought with herself over writing the book, it was literally a tell all book, but as she had sat down and started writing it just hadn’t stopped flowing.

Clarke had been her biggest supporter through the whole thing, sitting awake with her in the early hours of the morning when Lexa just had to write. Their relationship was slowly building back to the place where Lexa wanted it to be. She had known she had to get Clarke to trust her again, even though Clarke had said she did trust her. Even though they hadn’t talked about what they were, and there were days when Lexa herself questioned just what they were, she had Clarke in her life and that was more than she had hoped for after she had chosen drugs.

“Where to?” the driver asked.

She knew that Clarke was at the gallery, she’d decided the place needed to be renovated so she had people there doing that, Anya would be at the Dropship as Grounders had a small gig there that night. She also had the option to go to her apartment. She’d finally moved out of her mom’s place and into somewhere of her own, but she knew that she could always go back home to her mom’s if she was struggling with anything.

“Can you take me to The Dropship, please?” Lexa asked.

“Sure thing.” The driver replied with a smile and a nod.

Lexa looked out of the window as the driver took her to the bar.

“You look familiar…” The driver said, his brow furrowed as he looked at Lexa in the rear-view mirror.

“I get that a lot.” Lexa replied with a small smile, knowing there was a chance that the guy had no idea who she was.

“Lexa Woods, right?” he asked, “you were the lead singer of Grounders for a while?”

“That’s me.” Lexa said with a nod.

“My daughter is a massive fan,” the guy said, a smile playing on his lips as he concentrated on the road, “I remember her saying something about you having some kind of drug problem or something.”

“Yeah,” Lexa said with a sigh and another nod, “not really the best role model for anyone’s kid…”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he said, glancing back at her, “my daughter’s respect for you increased when you talked about it, I think it made her and her friends realise that not everything is the way it seems to be. She’s been trying to get me to get her your book…”

“It’s not out yet,” Lexa said with a small laugh, “next month.”

“Well I’ll make sure to get it for her.” The guy said, “she’s going to be so amused that you got in my car, I never get anyone she thinks is famous in my car. Sorry, I’m probably making you really uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine.” Lexa said huffing out a laugh, “how old is your daughter?”

“18.” he replied.

“Grounders are having a small gig tonight at The Dropship,” Lexa said, “starts at 8 if your daughters interested.”

“I’ll be sure to let her know,” he said, “she hasn’t mentioned anything about it, normally she wouldn’t be able to shut up about a Grounders gig.”

“It hasn’t been advertised,” Lexa replied, “they’ll be posting about it later on social media, it’s a first come first served type deal.”

“Well, I’ll let her know,” he said, “thank you.”

Lexa nodded and realised they were nearly there already.

“Will you be singing tonight?” the driver asked as they rounded the corner and onto the street where the bar was.

“I don’t know yet,” Lexa said, a small smile playing on her lips, “my sister is trying to get me to sing a song or two, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

The driver parked the cab outside the bar.

“That’ll be…” he said, turning to look back at Lexa.

“Keep the change.” Lexa said with a smile, handing him two $20’s, knowing that was way more than the actual cost.

“Thank you.” He said with a smile of his own.

Lexa grabbed her bags and got out of the car, walking into The Dropship.

“We’re currently…” Ryder started to say, stopping when he saw who it was, “well, look who it is.”

“Hey Ryder.” Lexa said with a smile, “Anya and the others still here?”

“Yep, they’re upstairs.” He said.

Lexa left her bags downstairs near the bar and went up to the VIP area, as soon as she started to walk up the stairs she could hear the argument that was just starting.

“But we should…” Luna said.

“No,” Ontari replied, “you don’t get to say that we shouldn’t do those songs, everyone knows us for those songs.”

“They know Lexa for those songs,” Luna said, shaking her head, “if we do some of the new songs…”

“Which are still Lexa’s songs as she wrote them…” Ontari said, interrupting her again.

“You really need to learn to play nice.” Lexa said, a smile tugging at her lips as everyone turned and looked at her.

“Why change the habit of a lifetime.” Ontari asked with a smirk.

“Truth.” Lexa said with a nod as she walked over to the table, “can I input my opinion?”

“Your opinion doesn’t count for anything anymore.” Anya said, waving her hand a little, though the look on her face let Lexa know she was joking.

“Asshole.” Lexa said, shaking her head, “you were both right.”

“How do you figure that?” Ontari asked.

“Well, you were right in saying that everyone knows the band for those songs,” Lexa said, rolling her eyes as Ontari grinned in Luna’s direction, “and Luna was right by suggesting you should play some of the new songs too.”

“But shouldn’t we…” Ontari said.

“Listen to me,” Lexa said, lifting her hand a little, which shut Ontari up, “you’re always going to play those songs, that album was huge, we know that. But tonight is about introducing Luna to the fanbase properly, this is about the new Grounders, so do something new.”

“So, I take it you’re not going to get up there with us and sing something.” Echo said.

“Not tonight,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “that would totally defy the point. I’ll still be here though.”

“Is Clarke coming?” Anya asked, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“I don’t know,” Lexa said with a small shrug, “I would assume so as Raven and Octavia are going to be here. When I talked to her she said she would see how she felt, she’s been working hard at the gallery.”

“You’re telling me you didn’t go to see her first?” Anya asked, certainly surprised by that.

“Shut up.” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I’m going to go and see her now. Can you take my bags back with you?”

“That’s why she came here first.” Ontari said, “She didn’t want to have to carry her bags around with her.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

When Lexa walked into the gallery she could see Clarke and some guy, one of the workmen working at the gallery, standing and looking at some pictures. It wasn’t until she saw the blonde again that she realised how much she had missed her while she’d been away. They’d talked every day, usually more than once, but she couldn’t stop the small smile playing on her lips as she actually saw her again.

While she stood watching the interactions between Clarke and the guy, Clarke not realising she was there, Niylah walked over to her. In the previous couple of months Lexa had learned to accept Niylah’s presence, though she still believed that Niylah was interested in more than friendship with Clarke, she learned to tolerate her.

“They’re having a discussion about light fittings.” Niylah said as she walked over to Lexa.

“I bet that’s interesting.” Lexa replied.

“Clarke wants lights that hang down, but apparently that’s going to be an issue.” Niylah said with a shrug.

“If that’s an issue for them, then she should get someone who can do it.” Lexa said glancing at Niylah before looking back at Clarke.

“Oh, that’s not the problem,” Niylah said, “it’s more that it doesn’t fit her budget.”

“She has a budget?” Lexa asked, her brow furrowed a little.

“Have you talked to her about this at all?” Niylah asked in reply, laughing a little.

“I should do that.” Lexa said with a nod, Niylah also nodding slightly in agreement.

“Maybe before he convinces her that he could probably do it within her budget if she agrees to go on a date with him.” Niylah said, fighting to stop the laugh that was threatening to escape her at the look on Lexa’s face.

Lexa just sighed slightly, shaking her head.

“She can go on a date with him if she wants to.” Lexa said.

“You still don’t get it do you,” Niylah said, amusement sparkling in her eyes, “she doesn’t want to date anyone but you.”

Niylah then walked away, leaving Lexa to decide whether she was going to go and talk to Clarke or not. Though they had kissed a few times in the previous couple of months, they’d not sat down and talked about whatever it was going on between them, and Lexa had been fine with that. Or so she thought.

Biting the bullet, she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, before she walked over to where Clarke was standing.

“Would the lights on the ceiling be bright enough though?” Clarke asked the guy standing next to her, “that’s something I’m worried about, with the hanging lights I could get the right lighting on each individual image…”

“I’m sure we could work something out.” The guy said.

“I think you should get whatever lights you want to get.” Lexa said, leaning over Clarke’s shoulder slightly.

Clarke jumped at the sound of Lexa’s voice, a smile taking over her lips, before she turned around and engulfed the brunette in a hug, surprising Lexa slightly.

“You’re home.” Clarke said, as Lexa wrapped her arms around her, “why didn’t you tell me you were back.”

“You knew I was coming home today.” Lexa replied, forcing herself not to smile as the guy’s face dropped slightly at the way Clarke hugged Lexa.

“But you didn’t tell me when.” Clarke said, finally backing out of the hug.

“That’s because I wasn’t 100% sure when my flight was going to get in, and I didn’t want you worrying if I was late.” Lexa said with a soft smile, “but I’m here now, and like I said, I think you should get whatever lights you want to get.”

“I can’t,” Clarke said with a sigh, shaking her head a little as she turned back to look at the picture, “it’s like $10,000 out of my budget. I can just go with the main lights, and set up some temporary lighting when I have exhibitions.”

“We could go with the cheaper flooring,” the guy said, “that’ll save a bit of money.”

“No,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “it needs to be the dark red wood.”

“If we don’t strip back the walls…” the guy said, stopping as Clarke shook her head again.

“I like the idea of the walls being stripped back to the brick work.” Clarke said.

Lexa knew that Clarke had an image in her head, one that had been there since they were younger, about exactly how she wanted the gallery to look. Lexa also knew that Clarke wouldn’t be completely happy until she had that exact look.

 “Go with the lights you want.” Lexa said.

“I can’t,” Clarke said, glancing back at Lexa, rolling her eyes and shaking her head as she saw the look on Lexa’s face, “no, Lexa, no, you’re not paying for this too.”

“It’s lighting, Clarke, it’s not going to leave me bankrupt.” Lexa said with a laugh.

“You bought the building,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I’m not letting you pay for this too.”

“You can pay me back.” Lexa said with a shrug before she looked at the guy, “she’ll take the hanging down lighting.”

“Lexa.” Clarke said, turning around and looking at the brunette.

“Is the hanging down lighting thing what you want?” Lexa asked, smiling a little as she could see that Clarke was considering what she was saying, “with the stripped back walls, the dark red wood floors, the huge windows…”

“You’re impossible.” Clarke said, shaking her head and walked away towards the back room.

“She’ll take the lighting.” Lexa said as she looked at the guy, a small smile on her lips.

“I’m Finn,” the guy said, holding out his hand, “I’m the lead contractor.”

“Lexa,” Lexa replied, shaking his hand, “the annoying friend who is going to pay for everything.”

“So, you bought her this building?” Finn asked.

“I did,” Lexa replied with a nod, “it was a birthday gift, she’s talked about having her own gallery since we were younger.”

“She’s a lucky girl to have a friend like you.” He said.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “I’m the lucky one.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh as Clarke picked up her drink from the bar, looked at her, and walked away without saying a word.

“What did you do this time?” Abby asked as she walked over to where Lexa was standing.

“Made a deal with the lead contractor that’s working on her gallery so that she can get what she wants.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little and turning back around so she was facing the bar, “A deal that doesn’t mean she has to go out on a date with the idiot.”

“Ah,” Abby said with a nod, “a deal that works well for your jealousy.”

“I’m not jealous,” Lexa replied shaking her head again, “she can go on a date with whoever she chooses to…”

Her words stopped when she heard Abby laughing next to her.

“Oh shut up.” Lexa said, rolling her eyes.

“That’s not a nice thing to say to the mother of the woman you’re in love with.” Abby said, causing Lexa to sigh, “you two really need to sit down and talk about this.”

“No, we don’t.” Lexa said, “we’re okay as we are.”

“Other than the last week and a half, while you’ve been out of the city, how many nights have you two spent apart in the last two months?” Abby asked.

Lexa furrowed her brow as she thought about it.

“The answer is none, Lexa,” Abby said, “you haven’t been apart in two months. Face it, you’re together, just without the fun stuff.”

“How many drinks have you had?” Lexa asked, amusement lacing her voice as she looked at the older Griffin woman.

“I’m not working tomorrow,” Abby said, picking up her drink that Ryder put down in front of her, “and the night is young.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her as Abby turned and walked away from the bar.

“That woman is something else.” Ryder said, shaking his head as he laughed.

“Yeah,” Lexa agreed, “she is.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Lexa had managed to escape up to the VIP room as The Dropship quickly filled up with fans of the band. She’d stayed downstairs and listened to the first half of the set, but then things started to get a little bit too much for her, so she’d gone upstairs.

“There you are.” Clarke said as she walked over to the booth where Lexa was sitting, “you regretting not having Gustus here?”

She had left Gustus in LA when she flew back, he had family there and was spending an extra day with them, he would be back in the city the next day.

“Tonight is not about me,” Lexa said as Clarke sat down, “it was just…”

“Getting a bit much?” Clarke asked, a soft smile on her lips.

“Yeah,” Lexa replied with a nod, “just a bit.”

“You should have told me, I’d have come up here with you.” Clarke said.

“It’s all good,” Lexa said, “there was no need for you to miss anything just because I can’t deal with it… It just brings back memories, you know, and not all of them good.”

“Are you doing okay though?” Clarke asked, Lexa nodded a little, “Did you go to any meetings when you were out in LA?”

“I did,” Lexa said, “I went to a couple. They were slightly different to the ones I usually go to here though, but they did the job.”

“I missed you, you know.” Clarke said, “it was weird, I got so used to you being here. I struggled to sleep without you there, which probably sounds pathetic…”

“It’s not pathetic,” Lexa said, causing Clarke to look at her, “I couldn’t sleep without you either.”

“What are we doing here, Lexa?” Clarke said with a sigh.

“I don’t know.” Lexa replied honestly, “What do you want us to be doing, Clarke?”

“Why does it always have to be what I want?” Clarke asked with a laugh, “you always do that, you always make it about what I want, why?”

“Because I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want,” Lexa said, deciding that the best course of action was just being honest about how she was feeling, “the last time we started to build our relationship back up, I chose drugs over you, you literally put your life on hold for me, and I threw it back in your face. Before you say anything, yes, I’m clean now, but this is going to be an on-going thing for me, I’m going to struggle with this in one way or another for the rest of my life…”

“I know that,” Clarke said, gently turning Lexa’s face so she was looking at her, “and like I’ve said before, I’m here to help you. I know you’re going to wobble from time to time, I know that you might fall completely, but I’ll be there to catch you… if you let me.”

Lexa nodded a little, taking a deep breath to try and steady her heart which felt it was going to beat right out of her chest.

“I trust you.” Clarke said.

Those were the three words that Lexa needed to hear, and she could tell that Clarke was being completely honest and sincere as she said them, which caused her heart to beat even faster. The next thing Lexa realised she was kissing Clarke, not exactly sure which one of them made the first move.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's been a while. Anyone who follows me on Tumblr will know why I haven't updated. This chapter has a slight twist at the end, but don't worry, it all ties together. Drop me a comment and let me know what you think of this chapter.

Clarke was busy working away on a new painting, and Lexa had fallen asleep on the sofa after eating lunch. She got a rude awakening when Raven literally dropped a magazine on her face.

“What the fuck, Raven.” Lexa said, pushing the magazine onto the floor as she sat up.

“Something you want to tell us?” Raven asked, picking the magazine up and holding it out to Lexa.

“You have bad taste in reading material?” Lexa said, shaking her head a little as Raven’s expression didn’t change, “what are they saying this time…”

She took the magazine of Raven and immediately saw what Raven obviously wanted her to explain.

_Lexa Woods falls off the wagon, again._

“Isn’t that a term used for alcoholics?” Lexa asked, turning to the page with the article, “okay, that isn’t me.”

The article had pictures, very blurry pictures, of a brunette around Lexa’s height going into a well know drug den. She continued reading the article as Raven sat down next to her.

“Lexa Woods, former lead singer of Grounders, and recovering drug addict, blah, blah, blah,” Lexa said, skipping down to the interesting part of the article, “we showed the images to a source close to Lexa who said that without a doubt the pictures are of her. The source also went on to say that everyone close to Lexa knew it would only be a question of time before she fell back on old ways. It has been a week since these photographs were taken…”

Lexa furrowed her brow a little as she tried to remember what she’d been doing a week before, noticing the time stamps on the photographs.

“Wait a minute,” she said, shaking her head and grabbing her phone, “I can prove these aren’t me.”

She pulled up a picture on her phone from the week before, when she had been at her mom’s house for lunch with Clarke, Anya, Raven, Lincoln, Octavia and the members of Grounders.

“See,” she said holding out her phone to Raven, “not me.”

“Huh…” Raven said, furrowing her brow as she looked at the picture on the phone, “in that case, firstly I’m sorry, secondly, can we sue these fuckers?”

“They can print a retraction at the very least,” Lexa said with a sigh, “I’m going to have to call my lawyers and find out.”

“Good idea.” Raven said with a nod, handing Lexa back her phone, “and who the fuck is this source that they talked to?”

“Someone who obviously has no clue.” Lexa replied, “It actually happens more than you think, it could be someone who I’ve talked to once, or someone who is a friend of a friend. Anyone who supposedly has information is a source, and technically by law a reporter doesn’t have to reveal who that source is.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Clarke was just putting the finishing touches to her painting when she heard Lexa’s raised voice in the living room. When she walked into the living room she saw Raven sitting on the sofa, and Lexa pacing back and forth on the phone.

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked quietly as she sat on the sofa next to Raven.

Raven didn’t answer her, she just handed her the magazine.

“That’s bullshit.” Clarke said, shaking her head and dropping it on the floor without even looking at the article.

“If it was a simple rumour I would completely agree that we should just ignore it,” Lexa said into her phone, “but this isn’t a simple rumour, they have photographs which they claim are me… No, you don’t understand, this isn’t one of those things that I’m just going to let go, this can fuck up everything…”

As Lexa turned in her pacing once again, she saw Clarke sitting next to Raven and smiled softly at her.

“Great, thank you.” Lexa said, “let me know what happens.”

With a sigh, Lexa hung up the phone and walked over to the sofa, sitting on the arm of the sofa next to Clarke.

“You see the latest?” she asked, motioning to the magazine which was sitting on the floor where Clarke had dropped it.

“Saw the headline, didn’t need to read it.” Clarke said.

“The irritating thing is, I can prove it’s not me,” Lexa said, “they left the time stamps on the pictures. It was when we were having lunch at my mom’s house.”

A knock at the door got everyone’s attention, Clarke went to answer it.

“Hey, Anya.” She said as she saw who it was.

“Is she here?” Anya asked, “I tried calling but it went directly to answerphone.”

“Yeah, she’s here.” Clarke said, stepping aside and letting Anya in.

Clarke followed Anya though to the living room.

“Care to tell me why I got asked about you using again?” Anya said as soon as she saw Lexa, “They completely blindsided me at an interview for the new album, something about some photographs or something.”

“It’s all bullshit,” Lexa replied, “do you really think I’d be sitting here if I was using again?”

“So where did they get the photographs?” Anya asked.

“The photographs aren’t of me,” Lexa said, “I have no idea who they’re of, but it’s not me. At the exact moment those pictures were taken I was at mom’s, with you and everyone else. I know I’ve got skills but even I can’t be in two places at once.”

“That would be an awesome skill to have.” Anya said, “What are you going to do about it?”

“I called my lawyers, to see if we can force them to print a retraction or something.” Lexa replied, “other than that, I don’t see what more I can do right now.”

“You might want to check your social media.” Raven said, looking up from her phone, “your accounts are literally blowing up right now.”

Lexa groaned as she opened her twitter on her phone. Raven was right, she had almost a thousand notifications from people wanting to know if it was true.

“So, post the picture that proves it can’t be you.” Clarke said, “that’ll shut everyone up.”

“It will also let everyone know that you and I are back together.” Lexa said, shaking her head, “that’s literally the reason I didn’t post it before.”

“I don’t care,” Clarke replied, a smile playing on her lips, “if it stops people thinking you’re using again, it’s worth it.”

“You say that now,” Lexa said with the huff of a laugh, “just wait until you’re walking to the store in your pj’s and you have guys following you with their camera’s.”

“I think I have a picture from the same lunch,” Anya said, going through the camera roll on her phone, “yeah, here, post this one.”

Anya sent Lexa the photograph, it was of the two of them with Ontari, Echo and Luna.

 **@LexaWoods** : Just to stop all the bs, this picture was taken at exactly the same time that the magazine article claims I was out getting drugs. I can’t be in two places at once. My legal team have already been informed #StillClean

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

A few days after the magazine article, Lexa was doing an interview to promote her book. The day after the article had been printed it was made known to Lexa that it had been Costia who had talked to the magazine. Lexa wasn’t too surprised that Costia was using her to make money, though she was surprised that she’d got out of rehab.

“I know this interview is supposed to be about your book,” The interviewer said, “but I can’t have you here and not ask about that magazine article. You posted a picture on your twitter account of you and the band, which was taken at the same time that magazine claimed you were getting drugs, and I think it’s pretty clear to anyone who is a fan of yours that the woman in those images wasn’t you…”

“You’d think so, but a close friend of mine actually thought it was,” Lexa said with a laugh, “she has since apologised, of course.”

“Does that kind of thing bother you?” the interviewer asked, “magazines just waiting for you to slip?”

“Yes and no,” Lexa replied, “I mean, it doesn’t bother me in the sense that whatever a magazine prints doesn’t usually effect my day to day life. I’ve been in the public eye for long enough to know how it works. What did bother me for a while was people just waiting for me to fail, I’d get people tweeting me asking if I wanted to shoot up, they’d send my pictures of needles and drugs, and… that was hard to see but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I’ve blocked so many accounts on twitter before of that kind of thing. Magazines need to print whatever sells, and for some reason the idea of me failing is what their readers like, I’m not sure if that says more about the magazine or the people who actually buy it.”

“From what I understand the source that the magazine used was a girl who was in treatment with you, is that true?” the interview said.

“Yep,” Lexa replied with a nod, “which is alarming because we had group therapy at the treatment centre where I was, so if she wanted to make some serious money off my name she could always spill my darkest secrets.”

“Are you sure it’s wise for you to say that in an interview?” the interviewer asked with a laugh.

“Well, it’s fine now because literally everything I talked about in those group sessions is in the book, so she wouldn’t really be able to make money off it when I’m putting it out there myself.” Lexa said, a smirk dancing on her lips.

“One thing that everyone has been wondering about is your ex band manager, Titus,” the interviewer said, “we all know that he was arrested for what he did to you the night of your final gig for Grounders, has he been charged, and will he be going to trial?”

“As far as I know he has been charged,” Lexa said with a small nod, just thinking about Titus again was turning her stomach, “as for a trial or anything like that, the last time I talked to one of the detectives they said they were pushing for that, it would depend on whether or not they offer him some kind of plea deal or something.”

“Would you have to be present at the trial?” the interviewer asked.

“I assume so.” Lexa said.

“Is Gustus, your bodyguard at the time, still being charged for what he did?” was the next question.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “they dropped all charges for him, which I’m pleased about because he still works for me. He is one of 5 people that I would literally trust with my life. I talk about it in the book, but if it wasn’t for him I would have od’d a long time ago.”

“A lot of people tweeted me to ask you whether or not you would ever consider releasing a solo album or anything like that.” The interviewer said, a small smile playing on his lips as Lexa rolled her eyes.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Lexa replied, “I’m still writing music, I wrote all but one of the songs on the new Grounders album, so I’m still around music a lot. But, and I touch on it in the book, it wasn’t something that I actually ever really wanted, you know, I didn’t want to be famous, I didn’t have any interest in that lifestyle at all. So, I’m not sure if I’d continue that, I will keep writing though.”

“So, what does the life of Lexa Woods entail now?” the interviewer asked.

“I don’t know,” Lexa said with a laugh, “and I actually like not knowing. I like waking up in a morning and knowing where I am, when I was with Grounders we toured so much I would wake up and not have any clue what city we were in, but now I like knowing where I am. I bought my own place recently, so I’m working on decorating that, I have plans…”

“Plans just involving you or…?” the interviewer said, a smile on his lips as Lexa laughed.

“Now, that would be telling wouldn’t it,” Lexa said, shaking her head, “What I will say is, I’m in a good place right now. I’m happy, I’m settled, I’m putting my life back together. Am I putting my life back together alone? No. But I think I’ll keep that part of my life quiet for a little while longer.”

 

x-x-x-x

 

Later that day, Lexa was standing outside The Dropship, she was there with the whole gang but just needed a little air. Grounders were playing yet again, and Lexa obviously still attracted attention. While she was standing outside the side door she saw someone going through the trash in the bins near the club. She had obviously seen homeless people before, she actually donated a large amount of cash annually to a homeless shelter, but the person going through the trash looked young, really young.

Before she could think what she was doing she was walking over to the kid.

“You okay?” she asked.

The kid jumped at the sound of her voice, and as he turned and looked at her Lexa could see just how young he was. He didn’t say anything to her, he just turned back to the trash as if she wasn’t there.

“Are you looking for something specific, or…?” Lexa said.

“Food…” the kid said.

“How old are you, kid?” Lexa asked.

“I’m 13… I think.” The kid replied.

“Tell you what, if you wait here, I’ll just go and tell my friends where I’m going, then we can go and get you something to eat.” Lexa said, the young boy’s eyes lighting up as she spoke to him, “would that be okay?”

He nodded his head.

“Great.” Lexa said, a small smile playing on her lips, “I’ll only be a couple of minutes, okay.”

Again, the kid nodded, and Lexa turned and walked back into the club. She knew that there was every chance that when she went back outside the kid would be gone, but she also knew he might not be. She also knew that the streets were no place for a child, of any age. She went back up to the VIP area, where Gustus was waiting for her.

“You look like you’re on a mission.” He said as Lexa picked up her jacket.

“I might be.” Lexa said with a small smile, “you can join me if you want.”

“Where are we going?” Gustus asked, standing up.

“We are going to take a young kid, I just found digging through the trash, to get some food.” Lexa said.

“It’s almost 11:30 at night, what is a kid doing out on their own at this time?” Gustus asked.

“I think he’s a street kid,” Lexa replied, “I need to go and tell Clarke where I’m going.”

Gustus nodded his head as Lexa headed back downstairs in the club to let Clarke know where she was going.

 

x-x-x-x

 

A couple of hours later, Lexa was back at her apartment with Gustus, and the young boy, Aden. She hadn’t just been able to buy him food and then sit and watch as he walked away. He looked familiar to her, even though she knew that she couldn’t have seen him before. While she was sitting and watching him sleep, after he had taken a shower and dressed in some of Lexa’s clothes, she knew who he reminded her of. The woman at her NA group who had overdosed. He had the same eyes, and the same smile.


End file.
